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Intercourse Doesn't Work


I’m only able to reach orgasm through vibrators or watching porn. My boyfriend is frustrated with me. He works hard to please me but it just doesn’t work. What’s wrong with me?

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  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
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It is significant that you are able to reach orgasm using a vibrator or watching pornography. For some reason, it does not happen when you are with your boyfriend. Why?

There are several possible answers to your dilemma. For example, it might be that, when with your boyfriend or another man, you are fearful of releasing control of yourself. That release, whereby, voluntary or deliberate movement ceseases and there is a total physical reaction, requires the ability to feel comfortable allowing the involuntary process to work.

Difficulties allowing yourself to experience loss of control could be caused by great anxiety when with another person. There may be a need to feel in control with your boyfriend that you do not feel when masturbating. It’s possible that you experience a sense of embarassment or shame about having an orgasm when you are with him that you do not experience when alone. Perhaps you do not yet  trust your boyfriend enough to feel comfortable having an orgasm. Being a new couple often brings with it difficulties adjusting for both the male and female. 

Finally, I want to point out that women often take longer to orgasm than men. Foreplay is important to both but it can be vitally important to a woman. Many females complain that their intimate partners want immediate intercourse and completion. In reality, it takes time for full enjoyment and release. If this is the case, the two of you need to talk it over so that he can adjust himself and learn to take more time and give more attention to foreplay. You and your boyfriend need to remember that there is more to sex than intercouse alone.

These are just a few examples of what could be going on.

Of course, it’s always a good idea to get a full physical check up just to be certain that none of this is related to some physical or neurological difficulty you may have. Nevertheless, the fact that you can bring yourself to orgasm points to the fact that you are probably dealing with something psychological rather than physical.

It’s important to let your boyfriend know that his getting angry or impatient with you will only worsen the situation. The idea is to reduce anxiety for both of you rather than increase it. Both of you need to relax and let nature takes it’s course.

If the two of you are not able to work this out on your own then a referral to psychotherapist might be a good idea.

Best of Luck

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