Is he a narcissist?
I met this wonderful man 11 months ago. After me being alone with my daughter for a number of years, he was everything I could have wished for. He was gorgeous, kind, attentive, and highly educated in science.
When we first met he was getting abusive texts and calls from his ex’s. I asked him what he had done to them and his reply was, “I have done nothing, they are crazy.” He changed his cell phone number after that but kept all the contacts. Some texts continued, but they were ex’s who were “just friends.”
This started to go downhill from then. He would put me down all the time saying I am stupid, paranoid, crazy, fat,(I’m size 10), blah, blah. He would call me nasty names and shout all the time when he was drunk, which was every time he had a day off work.
He was brought up with an abusive, alcoholic father. He would then leave and say it was all my fault. I would stupidly beg him to come back and say i was sorry. I needed him in some way to heal my wounds. Why, I wonder? He told me I needed to get a grip. I used to sit and just cry and he would just laugh at me, showing no emotion.
My self confidence has been knocked, I feel sick all the time. I feel like I’m going crazy. He has gone again, for good. He is already back on dating sites and looking for a new supply. He wanted us to get married, buy a house and have kids. How can someone who apparently loved me do this? I couldn’t even think of dating again the way I feel. I have had to take time off work as I can’t cope. I keep crying all the time.
The doctor has put me forward for counseling. I hope it comes soon, before I do something stupid. I can’t sleep, I can’t talk to people, I’m just totally lost in some sort of daze.
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
It is understandale that you feel depressed and in a daze after all you have been through. Not only was this man incredibly abusive but, then, he abandoned you. It is also understandable that you feel humiliated and angry at this person. What you need to do is not blame yourself for his nasty behavior. Sadly, when it comes to human relationships, especially romance, what you see is often not what you get. That is why it should take a lot of time before people agree to have sexual relations and move in with one another.
There were warning signs about what this man was really like. The large number of exe’s, the many phone call and texts from them and his calling them names. There is an old saying that, the way a man treats his mother shows how he will treat his wife. I don’t know if that is actually true but, its fairly clear that he treated many of his ex girl friends the same way he treated you and that’s why they are exe’s.
These observations cannot change what happened to you in the past, but, they can be a guide for you to avoid men like this one.
In answer to your question, “How can someone who apparently loved me do this,” the answer could be that he hates women. This is just conjecture on my part. Whatever his motivations, it is important that you come away from this with some positive learning and wisdom:
1. If a boyfriend is being hostile, disrespectful and abusive in the way he treats you, end the relationship. After all, there are other men.
2. Never let yourself believe that you need or are dependent on one person. That thinking can cause you to allow a man to mistreat you while you cling to him.
3. Drinking and drug abuse are never an excuse for abuse. Its incumbent on you to send the message to your man that he clean up his act or he’s out.
4. Never allow yourself to be guided by those initial feels of infatuation at the start of a relationship. Infatuation is a wonderful drug that makes us feel wonderful when we meet someone we fall in love with. However, its only a drug. Never make important decisions under the influence. If someone seems like they are everything you wished for, think again. No one can fit that bill because everyone has flaws.
Your self esteem has been battered and you are probably blaming yourself and thinking that you let this happen. That is why entering psychotherapy is a good idea. In addition, I suggest joining a support group for those women who have been through similar types of experiences. You can find them on the Internet and locate one in your neighborhood or ask your physician and therapist about such a group.
Finally, allow yourself to feel real angry at this individual rather than angry at yourself. Think to yourself, “how dare he!” Think to yourself, “How lucky I am for getting out of this thing because marriage would have been a disaster.” You do not need the love of a cruel man.
Best of Luck