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Is He Gay?

Question:

I have this feeling my boyfriend might be gay but may not know it or is hiding it. I analyze the situation over and over until I have a headache. Sometimes I don’t think he is because he seems so sexually into me. He loves having sex with all the lights on. That’s a good sign right? But other times he just seems totally uninterested in sex even when I’m throwing myself at him.

I love this man so much and if our sex life were better I’d say he’s the one. I don’t know what to do? I can’t leave because I’m in too deep and have no proof. But staying is hard work sometimes.

He has a lot of clothes, is very neat, very hygienic. I know lots of men that carry similar traits. So I duno.

Please, any advice would be helpful.

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Answer:

Of course, not knowing your boyfriend and, therefore, never having spoken with him in psychotherapy, I have no way of knowing if he is gay or straight. However, there are some things I can point out to you that I believe you need to think about.

At the same time you scratch your head, wondering if he is gay, you report that he is really sexually into you and even loves having sex with you with the lights on. Well, that doesn’t sound gay.

You complain about the times when you want sex, throw yourself at him but he just doesn’t want sex. Isn’t that true of everyone? Just like women, there are times when men want sex and times when they don’t. Does that mean they are all gay?

You state that, if your sex life were better, you wouldn’t have any doubts and would want to stay with him. That is difficult to understand because, once again, you report that he is sexually into you. No one’s sex life is perfect and every couple must learn how to adjust to one another. Does this mean they are gay?

If having lot’s of clothes and being hygienic made a person gay then there would be untold numbers of gay people in the world. Is it really true that having lots of clothes and being hygienic makes a person gay?

I hope you realize that, to a point, I am teasing you but am also attempting to give you some things to think about.

Now, here are some serious pointers about relationships. I hope they apply to both of you.

From the tone of your E. Mail, it seems as though you think about your sex life alone and never engage in a discussion with him. I don’t mean that you should tell him you think he may be gay. Rather, it’s important to discuss the details of your sex life with him. So many people will engage in this most intimate acts of relating but shy away from discussing it with their partner. Sex, like every other aspect of relating, requires lots of talking. It takes time for couples to adjust.

Adjusting means talking with one another about what you and he are doing sexually that you like and what you don’t like. For the two of you this might include frequency. It might also include why he doesn’t respond when you are feeling sexy. He needs to understand that, when you throw yourself at him you are feeling sexy and need him. You need to listen to his responses to this.

Finally, you are absolutely right when you say that relating is a lot of work. Yes, its hard work for two people to have an intimate relationship. That hard work includes communicating, talking and talking, with each other, about everything.

I wish you and he great good luck.

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