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Is It Him Who Is Too Hard To Trust Or Is It Me?

Question:

A little background:

I’m a strong, independant woman. I’m friendly and engaging, but I have a very thick wall. I’ve gotten this way because as a little girl I was unable to depend on my parents for protection and comfort and concluded I could only count on myself. I’ve had many relationships, but I’ve always ended them because I just didn’t feel they were “it.”

About a year ago I met a guy who was everything I wanted. He lived a few hours from me so we exchanged numbers and after a few phone calls he admitted to me that he was married. I had always had strong morals about this situation but I was unable to hold them up in this situation. We began dating, and I told him I couldn’t continue it and he would have to choose. Within a month he had filed divorce and we seriously pursued our relationship. I fell deeply in love and let him all the way in my walls, no holds barred. I knew he looked at porn, and I understood that we were far apart and, as he said, he wouldn’t need it as much once we lived together. I was under the assumption that this meant we’d have more sex than he looked at porn, but, apparently not.

I told him I was fine with porn as long as it didn’t effect our sex life and even offered to watch it together. However, he’s been looking at it in secret almost every day since we moved in together over a month ago. To top it off, he told me several months into our relationship that I was not the first woman he had cheated with his wife on, as he had led me to believe. In fact, he had been cheating on her almost as long as they had been together, whenever he had the opportunity.

He’s done a lot to prove how he feels for me, from divorcing his wife to moving here to live with me, and I don’t doubt his feelings for me now. However, I can’t help finding things to worry about, from him cheating on me too, to his continued (and possibly escalating) use of pornography leading to worse activities or a denegration of our sex life.

The main question is, do I have cause for concern, or am I being crazy and maybe causing problems?

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Answer:

I can only offer you my opinion about your relationship as you describe it. Please keep that in mind.

I do not believe that you are being crazy. In fact, in my opinion, you have lots of cause for concern.

This man has a long tack record of proving that he cannot be trusted. He admits that he cheated on his wife from the start of their marriage. In addition, even after you offer to watch pornography with him, he continues to view it in private. This man seems to have a need for a secret life.

I have no idea why he needs a secret life. He may have a personality disorder of some type, or, he may be protecting himself against intimacy in a similar that you did in the past. There is more than one way to build thick armor around one’s self.

Trust is fundamental to a healthy relationship. How can you trust him? He has a history of cheating and continues to view porn in secret. If the past is a guide to the future then, your future together is very unsteady.

I want to point something out, in the way of a guess: Because of your fears about intimacy, you may have unwittingly chosen a man with whom you cannot have a strong and intimate relationship?

My suggestion is for you to enter psychotherapy for yourself so that you can both learn about how you function while also improving the way you feel about and handle close relationships.

By the way, I have no doubt that he needs psychotherapy as well.

Good Luck

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