I am 15 years old and I think I have no friends. From the age of 9 I knew I was different then everyone around me. I would get uncontrollably angry and pull my hair, so far that I had to keep the piles in a box because the garbage would be too obvious. Then I began to contemplate suicide and there was no one around to help me because my mom is bipolar and doesn’t care about me. I began to cut myself, deep, when I was 13 . I would do it on my thigh. I blamed my only friend, who I actually liked, because she would ignore me and go off with her other friends because she said I was too depressing to be around. I can’t help it if I don’t understand anything. I’m just really not that smart. In fact I always tend to get into bad things, Like when I found a dead dog and I was really hungry and I just wondered what it would taste like. It wasn’t gone bad so I just brought it too my shed where my dad keeps his tools and cooked it over the BBQ. Lately I’ve felt really lonely because my former only friend left me because I was too ‘clingy’. This past week I had sex with a lot of girls because sometimes I just really want to do that. whats wrong with me, I need to get help so I can care about other people.
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There is only one answer to your question and it is: NO, it is not OK to feel the way you feel. You need help urgently and immediately. There are several ways you can get help:
1. Go to the school guidance counselor and tell them what has been happening and report that you need help. They can refer you to a school psychologist who will work with you and your family.
2. Go to your mother and let her know. Even though she has a bipolar disorder it does not mean she does not care. I assume she has a psychiatrist to help her with her disorder and that psychiatrist can help you as well.
3. Go to your father and let him know how upset you have been and how much you need help.
4. If you belong to a church or other religious organization you can consult the minister or priest or other presiding official of the church, discuss your problems and ask for help. On excellent organization, if it is in your neighborhood is Catholic Charities. You do not need to be Catholic to get help and they will get help for you and your family.
5. If you have other family members such as grandparents, let them know what is happening to you and how much you need help.
6. You can go to the hospital emergency room of your local hospital, explain that you have wanted to commit suicide and that you are scared and need help. They can get things going for you and your family.
It is hard to say for sure what is wrong with you but there are some possibilities and they are:
1. You may have a bipolar disorder as well as your mother. Bipolar disorder runs in family and you could have gotten the gene for the disorder.
2. You may have major depression and that would account for your suicidal thoughts and for your awful feelings about your self.
What ever the diagnosis may be there is no question that you need help. That help should come in two forms: You need medication and the type of medication will depend on the diagnosis. In addition to medication you need psychotherapy to help you learn how to overcome your problems and lead a happier life.
You are a young person and you deserve every chance at a good life.
Yes, sex can temporarily feel good but it is not a solution to your problems.
By the way, your writing of this E. Mail reveals that you are NOT the dumb person you think you are. Quite the contrary, the E. Mail reveals the fact that you are an intelligent person who cannot do well in school because of all of these problems. These problems can be helped but you must seek that help immediately.
Best of Luck