Hi: I really need you to help me. I’m 25 years old and married to my High School sweetheart. I love him soooooooooo much and we are great together. We are in love and best friends too. Sometimes I change my mood suddenly and only with him while he is being nice to me. I start being mean and, in my mind, I start thinking that he is making me look bad because he is too nice to me and no matter what I do I’m always not doing well enough! I know its only in my mind but I hate it when my friends tell me that he is really nice to me. I always feel like I want to prove that I’m really nice to him too. Although I am nice to him, sometimes when he is too nice, I hate that and start acting mean and suddenly I can’t stand him.
Something inside me always wants me to be nicer than he is. In my mind I assume that when a man is nice people look at the woman like she is in control AND I CANT stand being looked at like that.
Please help me. I’m hurting the love of my life and I want to change it. This happens every couple of days and then I really regret being mean. What can I do?
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Thank you for your openness and honesty about your behavior in relationship to your husband.
First, understand that you are making many assumptions that are only that: assumptions. In other words, they are not rooted in reality. For some reason you believe that, when your husband is being nice to you, are being judged negatively by others. Perhaps this false way of thinking comes from something in your past. Perhaps there was something in the way your parents behaved with one another that led you to this.
You and your husband are supposed to be a team. That means that there is no competition over who is the best liked and not liked by other people. When friends tell you that your husband is very nice, that is supposed to be a compliment. Can it be that you some of your friends have unking intentions with regard to your marriage? Yes, its possible. Perhaps some of them are jealous that you are happily married? Perhaps some of them would enjoy breaking up your relationship? I don’t know and these are only imaginings on my part, but, you need to view you and him as being on the same team with these friends being outsiders.
As for your mood changes, you are not the first woman to complain about that. It’s within the realm of possibility that your mood changes are connected to your hormonal flow. Many women report being irritable and depressed when they are pre menstrual. You can and should speak to your GYN about this.
Another possibility is that your mood changes are connected with underlying feelings of depression separate and apart from hormones.
My suggestion is that you have a complete medical exam, perhaps beginning with your Gyn just to rule out or in the possibility of your menstrual cycle. However, if it turns out that you are physically in good health and the irritability is unrelated to your cycle, then, it is time to see a psychologist or psychiatrist for an evaluation for depression. Depression can and does cause the types of irritability that you describe.
One more thing to think about is your relationship with your husband. Just because he is nice and you blame yourself for all of your anger, it is possible that he is doing or not doing some things that annoy you. So, if anti depressant medication is called for to help you with your moods, it might be a good idea to see a marriage therapist to help work out things that could be bothering both of you.