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It Just Keeps Getting Worse, Sarah

Question:

My husband and I are both in our early 20’s. We have been married for about six years and we have a beautiful 5 year old son. Sounds Great? I like sex with my husband. I feel a really strong connection with him when we do. He has always been a very sexual person, very kinky. He has always looked at porn, sometimes it bothers me but most of the times it doesn’t anymore. Porn is the least of my problems! For about the last year its gotten crazy. He comes up with his "fantasies" (panties in general, wearing panties, his mom’s panties and lingerie, other girls panties, other girls dirty panties, little girl panties, incest, threesomes and foresomes, me having sex with another guy or girl without him, beastiality… the list goes on) and he wants to have me involved, to do roleplaying, storytelling, props, and he still looks at porn. He goes through phases with these. We do one thing for a while and then moves on to the next, often returning to something we had already done. As this happens his ideas are getting worse and very uncomfortable to me. We don’t connect during sex unless we have "my kind of sex". I like passion and romance, some dirty talk, and foreplay. Is that so bad? I don’t like other girl panties, sometimes three at a time, partway in my mouth although i have tried and participated in the majority of his ideas, its not good enough for him. I don’t like doing these things but I would put on my best face and do it because I love him and I want him to be happy. How much is too much? I don’t want to lose my marriage but it’s heading that way fast.

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Answer:

Sarah, you have gone a very long way toward pleasing your husband because you love him. That, in itself, is not unusual and even commendable. Of course, I have to ask myself if he returns this by doing all he can to please you? Anyway, what is very worrisome is that your report that the things he wants the two of you to do are "getting worse and very uncomfortable." That is very understandable. It seems as though having sex with and making love to you, his wife, is not enough. So, like an addict, no matter how much he gets in terms of your cooperating with his sexual wishes, he demands more and more "kinky" types of sexual activities. You put on your "best face" with him because you do not want to lose your marriage. But, how much is too much?

Each person must answer the question you pose because what is too much for one person is not for another. It seems as though you reach "too much" with this stuff a long time ago. He is asking you to do things that make you uncomfortable. I am not sure of what you mean by the term "uncomfortable" but I am guessing that it is humiliating and even disgusting for you to do some of these things. No one should have to go any further than they feel comfortable going. You have been incredibly indulgent with your husbands sexual adventures but it appears that it stopped being fun for you a very long time ago.

So, to answer your question, too much is when a person is uncomfortable, feels they must put on their best face, meaning hide their real thoughts and feelings and are feeling very uncomfortable.

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you really feel about things. To continue to submit to his wishes against your own will is to  be an abused woman. Do you want that? Don’t you have any rights? Would you be losing a marriabe if you say no, or would you be acting like a strong woman, making a decision and standing up for what you want with him in the role of "losing the marriage.?"

It is a huge mistake to bury your feelings out of fear of losing him. That really is exactly how women end up being abused. You have a right to your preferences and a right to be treated with dignity, including in the sexual department.

One last word. Let me remind you that the sexual part of a relationship reflects what is going on elsewhere in that marriage. If you submit to him sexually even when you do not want to, then you will submit to him on other issues and the marriage will become unbalanced and will head for deep trouble. So, make your voice heard and if he cannot accept that then it’s time to move on.

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Comments
  • get your freak on

    Sounds like your husband has other issues. Some spice is fine but remind him spice is not a flavor. It is a topping.

  • Anonymous-1

    Not that I am seeing this as being part of the problem, but I must ask and comment.

    If there is any "Meth" related drug use going on, it is known to cause these kinds of reactions in people.

    My appologies if I am offending anyone, as I am making no accusations, but I have seen this all to closely myself.

  • Anonymous-2

    Interesting comment on control and submission. I wonder if my wife's refusal to engage in even minor fantasy play instigated by me may be related to her inclination to want to control detailed aspects of our daily life. I discussed this with her and she adamantly and vigorously disagreed that there was a relationship between the two issues.

  • Jazz

    Have you ever considered that the pornography is the SOURCE of his out-there fantasies? His fantasies are way past kinky and have reached into the "uncomfortable" (for you) and morally wrong (incest, beastality). You say that you don't mind him looking at porn, but if porn is really the source of the problem, then you DO mind because it is affecting your relationship. It sounds like your husband has a porn addiction which is affecting his ability to be satisfied with reality. No woman should have to act like a porn star and do ridiculous and unrealistic things in order to satisfy her husband at HER OWN EXPENSE.

    I might suggest seeing a counselor about this.

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