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Jealousy, Anger, Depression And Fear

Question:

HELLO DR. SCHWARTZ, I’M 21YRS OLD AND HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO. THAT IS, ONLY MY GIRLFRIEND… I MOVED THOUSANDS OF MILES TO FIND A BETTER LIFE FOR US. SO SHE IS OVER THERE AND I AM HERE LOOKING FOR WORK. TONIGHT I’M TORMENTED MORE THAN USUAL. I SELDOM FEEL THAT WAY. EVEN WHEN I WAS WITH HER EVERYDAY. IT’S LIKE THAT EVERY DAY!!!!: ( MY FUNDS HAVE RUN SHORT SO I CAN’T CALL HER. I’M DEVASTATED. I KNOW TRUST IS THE FOUNDATION OF ANY RELATIONSHIP AND ANYTHING THAT ENTAILS BUT I JUST CAN’T SEEM TO APPLY WHAT I KNOW TO CALM ME DOWN. MY IMAGINATION JUST GETS THE BETTER OF ME AND I HAVE THOUGHTS AND NIGHTMARES OF HER SEEING OTHER MEN. I’M AFRAID IT WILL BE LIKE THAT AND ONE DAY IT WILL RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP WHICH NATURALLY, IS THE OUTCOME EXPECTED. OR WORSE. I COME FROM A BROKEN HOME AND NEVER GOT A DECENT PIECE OF ADVICE. TO BE HONEST I’M ASHAMED FOR ACTING IN SUCH A MANNER. I DON’T FEEL BAD FOR MYSELF. I ONLY FEEL BAD FOR HER HAVING TO PUT UP WITH MY PARANOIA. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO… I JUST WAN’T TO BE A BETTER MAN FOR MY FIANCEE.

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Answer:

The tone of your E. Mail indicates that you are tormented by fears and thoughts that your fiancee could leave you for another man. Of course, it is often difficult for people to be far away from family, friends and loved ones. It is even more difficult when there is a romantic relationship like the one you are describing. The best suggestion I could make is for you to invite your fiancee to move to where you are so that you can be together. The other alternative is for you to return home, seek work there and be close to her. Either of these choices could relieve many of the problems you are experiencing.

There is no way to assure you that her feelings could never change if you remain far away for a very long time. Like soldiers coming home from a war it does happen that some of them discover their girl friends have found someone else. During the Second World War some soldiers received what were referred to as "Dear John Letters." A letter of this type announced that a girl friend, fiancee or wife moved on to another man. When this happens it is very painful. However, in most circumstances this does not happen. The problem that usually leads to a " Dear John Letter" is the fact that the couple had a brief affair and did not really know one another.

From what you write it seems that you frequently express your doubts to your girl friend even though you do not want to and regret it later. Perhaps you even accuse her of seeing other men. I could imagine that this makes her quite angry at you. It is true that by constantly nagging her in this way that you could push her away and that is something you do not want to happen.

It is important for you to keep in mind that you have done a very courageous and difficult thing. Leaving your fiancee and community in the search for work takes enormous courage. Many people make the mistake of thinking that this is an easy thing to do when you are young. In fact, it is always hard for a person to travel far away from everything they know and adjust to a new life. I sense that at age 21 you are experiencing a lot of home sickness and loneliness.

Perhaps you need to ask yourself if it is worth it to be so far away from home. Is it at all possible for you to find work nearer to home? I realize that the answer is probably "no" because it is the reason you left home. But, it might help you to try and understand that your feelings have a lot to do with yearning for you old life. It is terrible to have no one to talk to. Maybe a return home is the best thing for you. If not, then, can you find some type of counseling center near you so that you can receive help in how to make some new connections with new friends while you search for work? I am not suggesting you give up your fiancee. Rather, I am trying to say that loneliness is a terrible feeling, especially when someone is far from home.

There is no shame or defeat in coming to grips with the idea that distance and loneliness are not good things and that there is love, warmth and acceptance waiting back at home.

Good luck

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Comments
  • Jan

    I too have problems with trust and jealousy and know how to tell the difference from justifiable doubts vs. just plain paranoia. Can you please suggest a book to help me sort this out?

  • Anonymous-1

    I am jealous of my wife talking on the computer to other guys. I have almost ruined my life with her what can i do to save it????

  • Lola

    I'm 29 years old been blessed with the outside apperance of beauty but on the inside feel very ugly due to my over controling and insane jealousy attitude. It is ruining my life and relationship,Dr. I'm in a serious relationship currently that I want to do whaatever it take to save it.I really love this wounderfull man but feel terrible with what he hasto puts up with. I feel very ashamed of this attitude and way of life in evry relationship that has lasted more than 2years I start to get this way and of course the ovious happens "the break up". Really do not want to loose this one over this sickness,need your help,Doc. I can't even have friends over at the house because I think they are all flirting with him or that he finds them more attractive even when it's clearly vissible that they are not. I feel Intolerant of friends and relatives. Especially intolerant of partners friends and relatives also feel Intolerant of compliments paid to the partner,intolerant of affection or attention expressed towards the partner by others like for example last nite his cousins girlfrien gave hime a hug good bye and I flipped out on him when it wasn't even he the initiated the hug.I've tryed to hold it in at times to avoid the fights but get this stong,bad,explosive feeling in my stomach that I bust out in anger and rage related to jealousy that can be abusive and in past relationships assaultive towards the partner.If I'm not with him 24/7 don't feel safe and when I've tryed to let him spend some time with out me (because I know it's the healthy thing to do), I start to call him constanly or when he gets home I interogate him like a detective, so I don't even let him out at nite with his friens or family.WOW, listening to all this I see I really have issues like he has stated in the past,how embarrasing,I know I need to change desperatly but I don't know what to do or where or who to ask or find help. I'm hopefull that you might be able to get me some solutions or help,please Doc I'm desprate.

  • Anonymous-2

    i am the same, and my borfriend is in a diffrent contry... he was meant to come over next week to stay with me for a month of so, and has now said he isnt comming and i am distraught.. i dont kno what to do he has said its over so many times brfore because of my paranoia but he has always came to see me and also accepted me when i go there, but i have a feeling he just wont show next week and i feel like my life is over.. i feel sick :(

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