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Just Looking?

Question:

Today me and my boyfriend went to the store…and i saw a girl who was picking up som things bending down so that you could see her ass/thong. So i looked at my boyfriend (for 3 years and we live together) and he was looking at the girls ass! I confronted him and he admitted to "just looking, not even that, it was a glance". It got to me and very mad I took the car and left him in the shop. I didn’t think this would hurt so much but to me it shows that he has no respect for me, watching at other girls while I’m there. It make me wanna disrespect him to, like flirt with another guy and then tell him about it, so he gets hurt. I dont even want to go home (im at a cybercafe). what do i do?

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Answer:

I’m of two minds about this sort of issue. On the one hand, sexually mature heterosexual men are attracted to women’s bodies; this is built into them at a very basic evolutionary reproductive urge level. When a woman wears revealing clothing, she is showing off her body, almost as if to say, "over here – look at me – pay attention to me". And assuming her basic attributes are pleasing to a given male’s eye, he’s going to look. Some men I’ve spoken with about this say that the looking has an involuntary quality to it. The looking itself can be suppressed, but the urge to look has an involuntary, "ooh – shiny!" quality to it.

On the other hand, I, like you, would like to feel a special connection with someone I’m in an exclusive and romantic relationship. I too would feel offended if I saw my partner obviously scanning other women in my presence. His simple act of looking would wound me to some extent.

It is important that you put what you’ve observed into perspective. If this is the worst sort of infidelity you experience, I think you and the relationship are doing fine, without significant problems. If this is the tip of the iceburg, and you go on to find out that your guy is actively cheating on you, you’ve got a really significant problem and the relationship is in trouble. In any event, I think it is appropriate for you to have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him how you felt – the anger, the hurt, whatever your reaction was. Speak about your feelings and not about what a jerk he is. If you attack him and call him names, he will go on the defensive and not hear you very well. If you call his attention to the fact that you’ve been wounded by your actions you stand a better chance of getting through to him. You cannot change his nature, but you can bring to his attention that you did not appreciate his behavior. If he is a good guy who values you, he’ll make a note of that and be more careful next time.

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    My new bride and I were in a store shopping and this woman walked by bumping into me I looked as she walked away. More than a glance. I was caught by my wife. She is still very upset about it. I don't normally look at women like that. The worst part is that it was on our honeymoon.

    I broke her trust by looking at another woman. I want to fix things so we can move on in our marriage and life together. She wants it fixed too she is just so hurt and doesn't trust me at all. I am commited to my wife, our marriage and our family. She doesn't believe me because of this.

    How do we fix things?

  • Anonymous-2

    I don't understand all this fuss over a man looking at a woman. Was his tongue hanging out? Was he dropping whatever he was holding/stopping all other activity and just staring?

    If not then I do not see the problem. If I see somebody with their underwear showing, I cannot help but look at it too! (in case of confusion: I'm a girl and consider myself to be straight). If I am out with my husband and a hot girl walks by in revealing clothes, probably both of us would be looking for a second or two. I may be thinking "oh I wish I had her figure" and he may be thinking something else... But:

    As long as he doesn't go further than looking, I see no harm in it.

  • Gus

    I feel that if someone trusts their partner, they need to act like they trust their partner. So, someone asking their partner to not look at attractive members of the opposite sex reveals insecurities within the person asking this of their partner. There are beautiful things to look at everywhere we go, putting blinders on will only stifle our desire to see and appreciate the beauty. Trust in your partner, he is only looking, and as long as he's not hitting on them and he comes home for dinner every night, there is nothing to worry about. Also, feeling upset is one thing -- feelings are not facts, only feelings -- but acting out in the way you did is very destructive and harmful to your relationship. Have some faith and give your relationship a break from the fear, give it a chance.

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