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Living With Boyfriend - Am I Dealing With One Person Or Two?

Question:

At the risk of making this story too long, I am leaving out some relatively important facts. Here goes an honest attempt to be brief: I was rescued and helped by a co-worker who appeared to be the "knight in shining armor" but I fear he took advantage of my weaknesses being in an unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic knowing I would be an easy target, someone he could control. He’s an advid hunter and does some farming on a small scale. I fell into his trap – thought he sincerely wanted to help me get my independence back. He said and did all the things a person in need could hope for, but now that we live together, it is over. No more help, only outbursts of anger and control. I find it difficult to believe that his two personalities are one and the same. One is extremely quiet and does not care for public displays of affection or being in public for that matter. It is known that he has only had two girlfriends and he throws tantrums on the jobsite (I had always believed that was a roomer because he never displayed any such behavior with me before I moved in with him). He is 35 and still lived with his parents (due to future inheritance of homestead). We moved into the house across the street from his parents. He is simple in everything that he does and found that very relaxing and helpful to me and my 5 yr old son. I work full time and help take care of the hunting dogs, horses and cows. It can be exhausting. He loves my energy and strength, but only in that department. My son and I soon discovered that he has a loud temper (drill sargent tone used when angered and blows up chest against you asking for a fight). He corners me and accepts no response given, even my heavy breathing from fear and shock makes him scream out "Stoooop breathing heavy!" Not even the request that he please walk away is considered. My son’s presence does not disarm him. I have been called horrible names, such as "ass wipe" (that one I loathe the most), spit on shoved and grabbed by the collar while being told to straighten up or sit down and shut up! I feel like one of his hunting dogs. Will the real J. F. please stand up or is this going to be a love-hate relatioinship? Yes, I fear escalation of his temper and endangerment but who can afford to live on their own anymore? I can’t afford what might happen if my son and I stay. My situation is far from being unique – unfortunately, it is all too common. I think I want to stay and beat this thing(the monster inside of his otherwise gentle personality), but I have to know what condition I am dealing with before I can make a plan. Could you give a guestimate diagnosis? Probabilities? Or perhaps if you need additional info, let me know. Thanks in advance for whatever feedback you may give. From: Desperately exhausted & confused!

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Answer:

You ask, "who can afford to live alone?" I ask "who can afford to live with an abusing boyfriend?" The fact of the matter is that your boyfriend is extremely abusive both verbally and physically. He is not two people. He is one person who is explosive, threatening and hurtful. This type of hurt can lead to permanent physical and emotional damage and even death. There are plenty of cases on the books of women who tried to cope with abusive boyfriends or husbands and ended up in the morgue.

In my opinion, you need to act quickly. For the safety of your son and your self you need to leave that house and find elsewhere to live. In fact, it is imperative that you call the police when he behaves this way towards you. His offenses against you are criminal in nature. It is referred to as assault and assault is dangerous. In addition, your young son is witness to all that is happening and that is not good for him. Children can experience emotional damage when they witness this type of verbal and physical violence.

What you need to ask your self, once you and your son are safe, is why you are attracted to these types of men? Your husband is an alcoholic and your boyfriend is violent to towards you. It seems as though you have a tendency towards men who are not good for you. Perhaps you were abused as a child or you have low self esteem.

By the way, if you have no place to go for you and your son, there are shelters for abused women and children. Whatever the alternative arrangements you make, it is in your and your son’s best interests to get out of there and protect the both of you.

Best of Luck

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