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Living With Boyfriend - Am I Dealing With One Person Or Two?

Question:

At the risk of making this story too long, I am leaving out some relatively important facts. Here goes an honest attempt to be brief: I was rescued and helped by a co-worker who appeared to be the "knight in shining armor" but I fear he took advantage of my weaknesses being in an unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic knowing I would be an easy target, someone he could control. He’s an advid hunter and does some farming on a small scale. I fell into his trap – thought he sincerely wanted to help me get my independence back. He said and did all the things a person in need could hope for, but now that we live together, it is over. No more help, only outbursts of anger and control. I find it difficult to believe that his two personalities are one and the same. One is extremely quiet and does not care for public displays of affection or being in public for that matter. It is known that he has only had two girlfriends and he throws tantrums on the jobsite (I had always believed that was a roomer because he never displayed any such behavior with me before I moved in with him). He is 35 and still lived with his parents (due to future inheritance of homestead). We moved into the house across the street from his parents. He is simple in everything that he does and found that very relaxing and helpful to me and my 5 yr old son. I work full time and help take care of the hunting dogs, horses and cows. It can be exhausting. He loves my energy and strength, but only in that department. My son and I soon discovered that he has a loud temper (drill sargent tone used when angered and blows up chest against you asking for a fight). He corners me and accepts no response given, even my heavy breathing from fear and shock makes him scream out "Stoooop breathing heavy!" Not even the request that he please walk away is considered. My son’s presence does not disarm him. I have been called horrible names, such as "ass wipe" (that one I loathe the most), spit on shoved and grabbed by the collar while being told to straighten up or sit down and shut up! I feel like one of his hunting dogs. Will the real J. F. please stand up or is this going to be a love-hate relatioinship? Yes, I fear escalation of his temper and endangerment but who can afford to live on their own anymore? I can’t afford what might happen if my son and I stay. My situation is far from being unique – unfortunately, it is all too common. I think I want to stay and beat this thing(the monster inside of his otherwise gentle personality), but I have to know what condition I am dealing with before I can make a plan. Could you give a guestimate diagnosis? Probabilities? Or perhaps if you need additional info, let me know. Thanks in advance for whatever feedback you may give. From: Desperately exhausted & confused!

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Answer:

You ask, "who can afford to live alone?" I ask "who can afford to live with an abusing boyfriend?" The fact of the matter is that your boyfriend is extremely abusive both verbally and physically. He is not two people. He is one person who is explosive, threatening and hurtful. This type of hurt can lead to permanent physical and emotional damage and even death. There are plenty of cases on the books of women who tried to cope with abusive boyfriends or husbands and ended up in the morgue.

In my opinion, you need to act quickly. For the safety of your son and your self you need to leave that house and find elsewhere to live. In fact, it is imperative that you call the police when he behaves this way towards you. His offenses against you are criminal in nature. It is referred to as assault and assault is dangerous. In addition, your young son is witness to all that is happening and that is not good for him. Children can experience emotional damage when they witness this type of verbal and physical violence.

What you need to ask your self, once you and your son are safe, is why you are attracted to these types of men? Your husband is an alcoholic and your boyfriend is violent to towards you. It seems as though you have a tendency towards men who are not good for you. Perhaps you were abused as a child or you have low self esteem.

By the way, if you have no place to go for you and your son, there are shelters for abused women and children. Whatever the alternative arrangements you make, it is in your and your son’s best interests to get out of there and protect the both of you.

Best of Luck

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Comments
  • Melissa

    As you state in your letter, this situation is all too common these days, but while I was reading it I couldn't find a single thing that I would change in order for it to perfectly fit my senario. With that said.....

    I also went (am going) through the same thing that you are going through in regards to feeling and believing that there must be something medically and/or mentally wrong. I couldn't believe that the person I was living with could change so dramatically, and I wanted to know what he had done with the man I moved in with. I tried to make every excuse in the world for him. In my case I did take my boyfriend to the doctor and he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, but let me tell you a little secret, even medication didn't help. That only made him more self richeous. He still acted in the same manor, but then constantly added how "He" was the one doing everything possible to make the relationship work, and said that I wasn't trying.

    Nobody can tell you what is best for you and your son, but my advise would be to put yourself and your son first. It is always harder at first to be on your own, but then again, anything worth having has to be worked for.

    I wish you luck in whatever you decide. Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

  • Patricia

    i am existing thru the same situations. I am 37 years old and my bf is 27. He is a very nice guy but at any moment he will go off and be the meanest, ugliest, most selfish person of all time. Just yesterday he went into one of his tyrants. I get so sad and mad at myself for putting up with but ..... there i go with the but. i have know this guy for 3 years and i look back and see the same behavior. except that back when we first started dating he didnt hit me or call me names. He hits me hard and calls me every name in the book. No one has every treated me the way that he does. I feel sorry for him sometimes though. He needs help and I have come to realize that I cant help him. He hasnt worked in the last 4 weeks. He is a very har worker when he does work. Hes' had several jobs in the last 8 months. And every single supervisor loves him and always calls him to come back. I have so much more to write but i am getting back to work now. please send me your opinions they are very much needed. by the way, I have a great job, my own vehicle, my own little home, 1 18 year old daughter and according to many i am very beautiful both on the inside and out. I NEED HELP...counseling.

  • sherry

    My fiance and i just had another blowout this evening. Matter of fact he opted not to come home and is sleeping out. This marks the first night that he has not come home. He is not sleeping out with a woman i know this for a fact. But in the past he has cheated on me and there has been some questionable circumstances that don't sit well with me. I have an 8 year old son who sees us fight all the time. My fiance is 34 and i am soon to be 41. He has never hit me but does frequently threaten to. He calls me stupid, asshole, ditzy, demented, mental patient etc., especially when he's mad over something so small. He at times can be gentle, usually during a night of us going out dancing and drinking, but other than that, he is mostly talking down to me and I notice he does this to his friends and family as well. My son expresses to me that he wants us to break up. He says "mom, he insults you all the time and calls you names". He always makes me feel that every arguement is my fault and that I am always wrong. I can never win. I've never had a relationship like this nor has anyone ever treated me in this way. I'm also now in financial debt due to his lack of work during slow times and his impulsive shopping sprees. I too fear about being on my own. The money he makes when he does really is needed, but i know I must get that out of my head. I've been told that I'm very good looking with a very nice body by many people I meet. My fiance notices men always looking at me, but doesn't appear to get that jealous. He tells me that If I ever want to compete with him that he would for sure get more women than i could get men. what a crazy statement to always make. I've never wanted to compete with him. I too need help with him. My heart is breaking, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everyone tells me he is obnoxious and full of himself and that why don't i leave him? That is a damn good question. Maybe tonight, he'll finally leave me for good...I'm sorry for what you are enduring, but you are not alone....

  • Anonymous-1

    You ladies need to get out of these situations! Drop that fucker like a rock! No human being is low enough to deserve such treatment. Come on girls, you deserve better. Now put on your manpants and get rid of your men wearing the bitchpants. Tpday.

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