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Lost Person Struggling With Intimacy Issues

Question:

I guess you could say I am a lost person. I have known my kids father for 13 years five of those we were married for five of those years. got a divorce got back together after 2years not together. We have not got remarried but have been back together for three years know. The first year went very good, then I started looking around, and have lost a lot of trust in our relationship. just recently I experienced something I have thought about several times before. I had an encounter with woman, I enjoy this persons company she knew I was with a male……but I have not spoke to her much since then…..this has also put a strain on my home life with relationship with my kids father. I don’t know what to do anymore……I feel I am hurting my boyfriend because I am always thinking there is something else out there. if you could give me some advice I would appreciate it. Thank you

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

You’re not sure if you’re in or out of this relationship are you. You don’t use an intimate name to describe your ex-husband/boyfriend; you refer to him as “the father of my children”. The question you need to answer is, “Am I committed to this relationship with my ex-husband/boyfriend or not”. Right now you are on the fence; both there with him and also with a roving eye for other liaisons. This ambivalence isn’t good for relationships and it isn’t good for people. You may have your reasons to not trust the man you’re with, or you may be frightened of getting too close to anyone, perhaps because of early abuse, or past bad relationships. Only you can know that. There are a few things you can do to work on your ambivalent feelings. First, you have to decide that you truly want to work on them. Without motivation to change, you won’t resolve your situation. Second, you have to stop following up on opportunities to stray from your relationship. Opportunities to stray are always present around you if you look for them; You cannot stop them from being there. You can stop yourself from following up on those opportunities. Don’t see this woman again. Don’t spend your time interacting with potential affair partners. Third, you need to do fun, intimacy building things with your ex-husband/boyfriend. Intimacy feelings are never just a given. They are created when both partners in a couple do intimate things together. Suggest that you two go for walks or drives. Tickle each other. Be vulnerable when it feels more or less safe to do so. Make love. Such activities can help you to rebuild the trust and interest in each other that has been lost. This process will take time, but it can work.

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