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Matt Writes:

Question:

I am in a relationship which is 2 1/2 years old and is basically good, except for one thing. My lover insists on maintaining contact with his former lover. He says they’re just friends. I have no reason to suspect sexual infidelity, but he sneaks around and talks with this former lover on the phone and occasionally goes by his house. My lover says he goes to visit the former lover’s elderly mother. We do not live together for a couple of reasons, largely legal at this point. We are both single and over thirty. He won’t be honest with me about this situation because he says he knows how I react to it. He also says I have no right to choose his friends.

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Answer:

Matt, first you need to take a step back and try to re-evaluate the nature of your relationship with your lover. You say that you have been with him for over 2 1/2 years, yet you go on to say that you are both still single. If you do not consider it to be an exclusive relationship then your lover has every right to maintain contact with whomever he chooses. However, if the two of you have decided upon an exclusive commitment to one another, then he needs to be more sensitive to your needs and concerns. Both of you need to be more honest with one another and work on expressing your feelings instead of making judgements and assumptions. You need to think about the reason your lover does not want to be honest with you. Do you commonly overreact negatively against him? I do not see anything wrong with him visiting his former lover’s elderly mother, if his motives are genuinely good. If you really feel that he does not want to be committed to you or respect your needs and feelings, then you need to move on. However, you can try to strengthen your relationship by communicating more openly. Remember the cliche honesty is the best policy. Hope that was helpful! – Anne

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