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Most Likely Gay Husband

Question:

I really need advice, please. My husband of 10 years had cheated on my 4 different times with 4 different men. I feel I just can not stay in this marriage any more. After the first time and I caught him, he swore he would never do it again and begged for forgiveness. I granted such and now he has done it 3 more times. I just don’t trust him at all and always wonder what he is really doing when he goes out (which is frequently). Am I crazy to be seeking a divorce for this? We have a son 7 1/2 and a daughter 2 – I would NEVER want to hurt them through any of this. They mean the world to me. Please help if you can.

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

I’m sure you realize this, at least at some level, but it is very likely that you are married to a gay man. If he is in fact gay, this is not his fault or your fault; he was born that way. Our culture makes it so difficult for gay people to feel okay about being gay that many never come to grips with it in early adulthood and end up getting married in the ‘straight’ custom. Some of these marriages last just fine, and others implode when the partner’s gay sexual preferences just can’t be denied anymore. You’re husband is committing adultery, for sure, and that is a terrible breach of trust. However, if he is gay in a straight marriage, it’s a little for me to cut him some slack than it would be for a straight adulterer in a straight marriage. Think about how motivated you might be to find a straight partner if you were living in a gay marriage. p> Sexuality aside, what this is ultimately about for you is probably that your trust, and your marriage are damaged. Only you can judge whether the damage is irreparable. Given the data, I don’t blame you for not trusting him, and no one would blame you for leaving the marriage. In fact, if he is gay and being cowardly about it, he might be acting out so as to provoke you to be the ‘bad guy’ and end the marriage for him. Find yourself someone safe to talk all this out with (a counselor, a trusted family member or friend, etc.) and do what you can to figure out what you have to do given your circumstances. Be gentle with yourself but don’t be afraid to be strong if that is what is called for. Good luck.

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Comments
  • Kristine

    I really feel bad for any woman whose husband is gay. My husband of 20 years has always been homosexual. I truly believe he was born with it. It seems to be at the core of him. He is also extremely passive aggressive toward me. We have never had friends. The people he always worked with just stand at a distance and stare and whisper. He lived with his navy buddie for 9 years in different houses, then when the guy left him, he married me, the easy target. What is horrible is at our wedding, people told me That I better appreciate what I got! Two or three people told me that and I still think about how crude those comments were. I would like to hear any advice about this horrifying life I have. He acts like a passive type, but is as cold as ice toward me, and a bully. I was always afraid of a divorce because of being in poverty and no health insurance. Would like to hear any advice.

  • Anonymous-1

    I've been married 25 years and my husband's behavior has changed dramatically recently. I believe he's gay and will not acknowledge it. His supposed lover is 25 years old, young enough to be his own son...that is pretty disgusting. I've filed for divorce...can't live with someone that has lied and deceived me whom I don't obviously trust. He's not honest with himself nor can he be honest with anyone else, let alone me. I deserve better treatment and a better life. If you think your husband is gay, get out as soon as possible because it will save your sanity and your future.

  • Anonymous-2

    My husband is also gay, although he denies it. He had (maybe is still having it) an affair with an also married man. This has been going on for quite some time.... but it gets worse..... they are BROTHERS! I have been in therapy because of this for a while now, and am working on making MYSELF well mentally from it. I have many physical illnesses, so I can''t work, have just filed for disability, and if it is approved, I am GONE! I don't care if I have to live in my car, it will be better than living here. I have stayed ONLY because of my health, I would have no income, no health insurance, etc. There has to be a better life out there somewhere! He was sooooooo wonderful when we first met! the perfect man! Then I found out on August 12, 2008.... my world crashed. He just keeps saying, "I know you'll never let me hear the end of this" .... like I am EVER going to be ABLE to FORGET it! I WANT to forget it!

  • Anonymous-3

    I have slowly come out to my wife telling her all about my gay side. She has learned to understand me because Above all we love our marriage and family. I have showed her the gay life aAnd she has discovered its ok. To prevent cheating and that kind of nonsense she allows me to have my share of "gay time" joining me at dance clubs and bars. Then we go back to normal. I recommend a little understanding and openness.

  • Anonymous-4

    I have slowly come out to my wife telling her all about my gay side. She has learned to understand me because Above all we love our marriage and family. I have showed her the gay life aAnd she has discovered its ok. To prevent cheating and that kind of nonsense she allows me to have my share of "gay time" joining me at dance clubs and bars. Then we go back to normal. I recommend a little understanding and openness.

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