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My Boss Asked Me About My Sex Life And Im Only 16.. Please Read!

Question:

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p>My boss gave me a ride home tonight because it was raining out and he didn’t want me to take a bus. On the way home, he was asking me questions about myself. ALL of them were about my sex life. He started asking me if i was sexually active, when the first time was, if the first time hurt, who was the youngest, who was the oldest, how often, do i tell people afterwards.. and at first i just thought that he was curious because he has young daughters. and he is foreign, so i figured he didn’t know about a teens. but as the questions came one after the other i noticed that i was starting to feel uncomfortable. but i didn’t want to say anything because he is my boss! i need to know what to do? can he get in trouble for asking these questions? what should i do if he tries to take it further,.. i don’t’ want to lose my job,.. and if i tell my dad, he would beat him up! My boss is very nice to me and gives me advice like a father would about my future. This changed how i feel about him.

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Answer:

What’s on your bosses mind is clear enough; he is sexually attracted to you. What exactly he is trying to do or where this is leading is more difficult to know. He may be trying to seduce you into a sexual relationship, or he may be less forward than that and simply wanting to talk about sex (your sex life) with you. It doesn’t really matter, I suppose. In any event, by talking to you about your sex life, your boss is at least engaging in sexual harassment of his employee, which is a criminal offense. Given the likelihood that your boss is not himself a teenager but is instead an adult, he is also probably setting himself up for statutory rape charges. In the United States, so far as I know, it is generally illegal for an adult man to have sex with a young woman under the age of 18 even if she gives consent, the legal theory being that prior to age 18 a person is a child and unable to understand the ramifications of the decision they would be making. So, however you slice it, your boss is almost certainly breaking the law.

How you handle this situation is up to you, I think, and should be decided upon based on what you know about your boss (how forward he may be, and/or how clueless) and your own personality and fears or confidences.

Assuming that your boss isn’t actually going to try to force sex on you (e.g., rape you), or blackmail you into having sex, which it doesn’t sound like so far, he may simply be clueless as to what is appropriate with regard to adult/teenager relationships, what constitutes sexual harassment, and what constitutes statutory rape. There is nothing weird about his interest, I don’t think. Heterosexual adult men are simply built to find youthful biologically mature females to be sexually attractive. What is weird here is that he doesn’t know to not act on his impulses. That he is "foreign" (suggesting that he may be an immigrant to the United States who did not grow up in the culture here) may be a factor in his cluelessness, or, alternatively, his sense of inappropriate entitlement. In other words, what he has done towards you might be something that is more acceptable in the culture he came from than it is in the culture you both live in now. That is not an excuse for bad behavior by any means, but it does help to understand motivations.

If your boss is clueless and you feel confident, you are within your rights to simply shut him down and limit him, by asking him if he is aware that his behavior is harassment and that you don’t appreciate it. There are ways to say this nicely but at the same time put teeth in it. Essentially what needs to be conveyed is that if the sexual discussion does not immediately cease, you will involve other people who will not look upon his behavior charitably. If he is at all smart and the slightest bit sensitive, this will hopefully be enough to redirect his attention.

If your setting a limit on him by telling him in no uncertain terms that you do not want to hear any sexual talk from him at all doesn’t work, I think you will need to take further action or risk becoming a target. Depending on your personality, you might be most comfortable not working in his establishment anymore – that is a non-confrontational way to handle the situation, but not one that will build up your self-confidence. Alternatively, you should tell your parents what is happening, who should be upset and angry, but hopefully not to the point of violence, and enlist their help. If you were an adult needing the work to support your family, it might be worth pursuing harassment charges against this man. Under the circumstances, this being part time employment for a teenager looking to make some spending money, it is far easier to just walk away.

If you feel unsafe in the work environment in any way, I’d suggest that it is time now to tell your parents what has occurred, and/or to stop working there. There is no reason to put yourself at risk, I don’t think, and your parents who are in the best position to protect you ought to know what is going on.

My feeling is, based on what you’ve written, that you will hopefully be able to shut this guy down gracefully by telling him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in his advances and never want to hear him speak to you that way again. There is no reason to be afraid to deliver a message like that. Though he is your boss, he has transgressed an important line and you need to defend yourself. If he fires you because of it, you are far better off not working there and may have legal recourse with regard to harassment law (which probably would not be worth pursuing, since so little money is on the line).

Good luck!

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Comments
  • A. Makki

    walk away is a better solution for such problem because he will not give up trying to talk about your sex life since he gose that far with you .

    best regard

  • Anonymous-1

    YoU JUST TRY SAY TO YOPUR BOSS THAT YOU ARE NOT FEELING COMFORT WITH THIS TYPE OF TALKINGS

  • vagabond

    Tell him to stop the talk.

    Limit the time you are alone with him(don´t accept a ride home with him anymore)

    Tell someone (parent or friend)

    Tell him you are willing to report it to authorities.

    Accept the possibility of being fired.

    Stay firm, focused, and resilient!

    Don´t ever allow anyone to make you feel uncomfortable or victimized!

    I was sexually harassed on the job. Regardless of my verbal denouncement to the perpetrator, the harassement continued. I filed a complaint with the company who initially did not believe me. I was fired. I sought a lawyer. The situation was settled out of court. I won. The perpetrator eventually lost his job at the compnay, ended up losing his wife, and the last I heard, was a patient at a mental clinic.

  • TyneBubbles

    I do not believe that walking away is a good option...sure, it's the easiest, but what would you have accomplished by it??

    By walking away and ignoring how he made you feel is allowing him to have control, and also allows him to continue this type of behaviour. You may then leave yourself open to further abuse by others by not developing appropriate boundaries.

    Standing up is hard, but by taking a stand you will regain your sense of control and, most importantly, your sense of self-worth. It also puts the perp in his place and (hopefully) stops his inappropriate behaviour.

  • Anonymous-2

    Aside from sexual harassment, this is also a form of sexual-abuse. He may be seeking out some kind of titilation through talking to you about sexual topics. Even if he's not trying to sleep with you, over the long term it can be damaging to your long-term self esteem.

  • Anonymous-3

    im also 16 and i had a boss that always tried to talk about sex with me and was always touching me on my waist and back and neck and always tried to hold my hand. he then progressed to giving me a massage but i always tried to pull away. i was so scared at the time and wen he said he wanted to teach me the process of the birds and the bees, thats wen i told my mom. (she didnt believe me) bu b4 i had told a few friends and they told me to becareful and to defend myself if needed and i regret that i didnt. that following week i quit no help from my parents. my parents still dont believe me and say that if such thing occured that it was my fault!!! i cudnt believe wat they were saying. i wanted to go to the police they didnt let me and i regret it becuz i later found out that he had victumized many others. my advice is quit and file a report with the police a.s.a.p. i know exactly how u feel

  • Jaay

    Your boss knows this is inappropriate so don't fall into the trap and make excuses for his behavior. Also if he is curious about teenage sexual activity he can research and ask a doctor of some sort for advice not you. Please understand that you should not be alone with him again and that you should tell your parents about his line of questioning. Also, however your dad decides to react is not your concern or responsibility. It is your parent’s responsibility to protect you within the means of the law, so trust that they know how to do this without hurting you or themselves.

    This boss of yours has other intentions and these modes have nothing to do with you as a person. He has objectified you and you need to stay away from him in order to protect yourself.

  • G

    I myself have been through this situation and oddly enough my encounter was also with a foreigner. Yes, he may be foreign, but he should have known that this conversation stepped over that invisible line in the sand. When someone is uneasy about a topic it is obvious in their demeanor. He should have realized this and backed down. The fact that he didnt isnt good. Either he noticed and chose to ignore your discomfort or he just didnt notice. Either way it doesnt bode well. Your young and I know it must be hard to think about not having your job, but which would you rather have? Your safety or your occupation? He may not have made any actualy move in your direction, but he did make you feel uncomfortable and when someone is uncomfortable there is something wrong. This situation obviously has you upset so it would be safe to asssume that if it is prolonged it could damage your emotion or self-esteem. That in itself is a form of sexual abuse. I'm sure that you can tell him in a polite non-offensive way that you feel uncomfortable talking with him about such things. Besides, being a teenager is hard enough without dealing with these issues. It would probably be best if you left his employment. If your in a situation that you actually need the money that you are working for then line another job up before quitting, but do it as quickly as possible because this is dangerous territory. You dont know if he was coming on to you or not. Its hard to play cards when you dont know which ones your holding.

  • Barry

    You should confide in other females in the company, ask the ones who know him if they have experianced anything and if he is just a harmless old bugger. Male some female friends and hang about with them at work this will be a sure way to make him think twice about doing anything dodgy as he will knoww you have friends to confide in and definatly refuse to get in his car, make sure you have other people to go home with, failing that get your Dad or someone you know to meet you or pick you up at the end of work. I'm a man and I know how men think, as a man if a woman has a lot of friends at work I would be less likely to chat her up. I would be really worried that she wiould tell all her mates about it and your boss defo would not want that embaressment.

  • OWEN KK

    someone said "tell him to stop the talk", that a bad idea because we don't know what are his attentions he may be crazy and if you ask him to stop he may kill you, i won't be there to protect you. So Best way is to stay calm ignore him and if he persist. DO not hesitate tell your Father let your parents know this Boss IS weird so at least your parents will know what to do and handle the situation.

    First of all your boss didn't ask you if it bothers you?

    That a bad sign right there if he persist tell your dad he knows what to do he will take it from there! Don't worry he won't hurt him just intimidate him a little bit.

  • Sandy

    You people must all be Americans right? Because people from many other parts of the world are more open about sex than puritanical and uptight Americans, I think talking about sex is perfectly normal, why don't you examine your own reasons for becoming uncomfortable before accusing someone else of sexual harassment. By saying the someone is a foreigner and therefore doesn't may not know what is right and wrong is pure cultural bigotry - perhaps is is Americans who are in the wrong, particularly around sexual and moral matters, since Americans tend to be influenced by puritanical Christian morality and uptight about sex. In most parts of Europe, Asia and Africa (not including Arab countries), these questions would not be construed as criminal sexual harassment, and if your boss was over the line, you could simply say so directly. Why all the drama and fighting-type mentality?

    Get a grip people..

  • Lys

    Perhaps it has something to do with the way a lot of people are raised and the experiences they have, but I recall that even as a young child, older men would try to rape, molest, and kidnap me. I can remember fairly well the screaming, thrashing, and feeling like I'd escaped death when I got away. Also, bein' continuously paranoid.

    Talking about sex isn't wrong.. asking too many prying, bizarre, sexual questions to young people is weird. I could understand not freaking out too much if you knew the guy- and as she says, he was like a father figure to her- but in my experience, the people preying on you tend to be people you know and thought you could trust. :P

    Also, it's not unusual for someone to react violently whether physically or verbally should they feel insulted or threatened in any way.. maybe it's just how I've lived (and I've lived in several states in America) but I don't think anyone can be trusted.. it's better safe than sorry.

    I WISH I could be open, trusting, and comfortable with strangers, but my view of the human race is a bit dimmed by the fact that most people I've met are horrible, scheming, vile, untrustworthy things. Maybe reporting him could be a bit too much trouble, but finding out what's up and then maybe scaring him a bit if he seems to have other intentions..that's not a bad thing. May keep him away.

    It's also not bigotry, and it's not about 'right and wrong' it's about different societies. In certain places in Asia, it's chill to be 'escorted' by a school girl, and maybe even procure sex. Nothing really too weird about that. Legal age of consent is lower than it is in America. In fact, how we view things to be socially acceptable is even different depending on what state/city/area you live in, in America. >.> As well as your affiliation..

    So it's not hatin' on other countries. Cool for other countries being different. If I could move, I would, but I've not the money for it. If I was in that situation, I probably would have asked to be let out, and walked in the rain.

  • Darlene Murphy

    I walked away from a job because my boss was sexually harrassing me. And that was a good job. He cannot fire you because you didn't accept his advances. State loudly don't touch me. Tell your friend, your Mother, somebody. Start with his wife or boss. Then a good lawyer. No man has any right to ask a 16 year old girl anything sexual. EVER !!! Don't fear losing your job because it's illegal. He could lose his freedom. Let him know you know your rights. And to back off -NOW. END OF CONVERSATION.

    Good Luck you can do it.

  • Kem

    I have been in the human resources field within the United States for a while and the fact that your boss is asking about your sexual life is highly inappropriate. You are an employee of his and there are certain lines that should never be crossed by a superior. If there are 15 or more employees working at your place of employment, the company needs to abdide by the federal sexual harassment law. Here's some information on sexual harassment and what constitutes it:

    http://www.expertlaw.com/library/employment/sexual_harassment.html

    I hope this helps.

  • Shonquetta

    I HAVE HAD THAT PROBLEM BEFORE TO BUT IT WAS WITH ONE OF MY TEACHERS. BUT YOU HAVE TO BE OPEN WITH YOUR PARENTS ASAP BUT DO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR SEXLIFE BE STRONG

  • Anonymous-4

    My daughter: 25 year old was placed to wok by her married 46 years old boss in secluded room , where he in a position of power kissed her and gradually seduce her till consummate and affair. I try to talk her out of this affair but she is not able to break it. What a parent must do next?

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