I have been married for 1 year. My husband was married previously and it ended in a bitter divorce after a long cold relationship. We are getting along wonderfully but he has a tendency to lie to me about insignificant things like how much he spent at the store (it’s never an extravagent amount…and I balance the checkbook so he knows I will see how much he spent anyway!). His first wife was very controlling and it seems to me from our discussions that he just does it to keep me from knowing everything. I trust him when it comes to matters of importance but the lying is getting annoying. Is there some way I can make him feel more comfortable? I have the feeling that it will get better with time but can’t help but worry it will get worse!
- ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
- ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
- Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
- ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. ‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Honesty is one of the strongest factors in the well-being of a relationship, and, for whatever the reason may be, your husband is breaking that promise. I would take the direct approach and let him know that you are sensitive to his reasons for lying to you, but you are upset that he feels the need to lie to you about even the most seemingly insignificant things. Let him know that you would never tell him what he could or couldn’t do, and that you expect the same in return. Along those lines, tell him that you would never lie to him and expect to be treated the same. But, before you do this, please try to evaluate how you ask your husband to answer the questions he commonly lies about. Are you asking him in a domineering way, or are you being casual about it? In the case of the checkbook, in asking how much he spent at the store, give a reason for why you’re asking. Let him know that you want to write the amount in the checkbook, or that you intend to spend some money in the near future and need to know what to budget. By changing your tone, if necessary, you might find some relief. Take care, – Anne