Dr.Schwartz my husband wants to leave me because I am to too fat and because we don’t have intercourse anymore because of my weight. He always puts me down saying that he’s too young and that if I think he won’t find somebody out there that would have good intercourse with him that I am wrong. He tells me nobody is going to love me cause I’m too big. Another thing till this point is we don’t have children of our own due that I’m so big that all I want to do is sleep all day and eat an go back to lying down and I cry a lot because I wish to be skinny and be able to have children with him because that’s what he wants in order for him not to leave me. He tells me that I ‘am lazy and that I don’t make enough money. He is always telling me to go walk, for me not eat to much cause I’m going to get more big. You know Dr.Schwartz I cook for him and I always make sure he has his lunch ready before he walks out the door to work. I try my best to do for him I just don’t know what I would do alone. I’m not from here, I don’t have relatives in this city and I think I’m lonely. I can hear my family saying we knew he didn’t love you and I forgot he doesn’t go with me anywhere because what would the people say about him. It’s been 7 yrs that I have been married to him and I am hurt. I always have to be lying that he loves me to my mom & dad and I always say he is very nice and treats me very good.. Thank You
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Well, you certainly describe a troubled and unhappy marriage. However, one of the things that comes through to me via your E. Mail question is that you seem to be quite depressed. Now, if I am correct that you are depressed then the question becomes "are you heavy because you are depressed or are you depressed because you are heavy? Perhaps it makes no difference and let me explain.
You see, despite your husband’s many complaints about you the pure and simple fact is that heavy people have sexual intercourse and give birth to children and remain married or, in case of divorce, marry someone else.
Among your husband’s many complaints about you is the fact there is no intercourse. I am certain that the lack of love making in your marriage makes him very angry at you.
However, there are two things your husband fails to understand and that you need to understand as well. First, when people are depressed they do not feel sexy or like they want intercourse, and I believe that you are depressed. Second, when a husband or wife is constantly complaining about their partner and constantly finding fault, they do not feel like having sex. You are depressed and your husband is constantly complaining about you. Your not having sex with him is understandable.
1. Before anything else, it is important that you do something about your depression. I recommend that you see a Clinical Psychologist or experienced Licensed Clinical Social Worker, so that you can start psychotherapy for yourself. It is possible that you might need anti depressant medication to help you.
2. You need to see your Medical Doctor about losing weight. Please understand why I am suggesting this. You need help in losing weight for the sake of you long term health and NOT to please your husband. I believe that weight loss would be healthier for you and would help you feel better.
3. Reducing your depression and reducing your weight would, in my opinion, help you to make decisions about whether or not you want to keep this marriage.
In fact, the question you need to ask yourself is NOT whether or not your husband wants to stay with you BUT whether or not you want to stay with him?
Frankly, I do not know why you would want to stay with a man who does nothing but complain about you. Remember, he says he can find another woman but, YOU CAN FIND ANOTHER MAN. Getting help with depression and becoming physically healthier will empower you to understand this.
In other words: Take control of your life.
Best of Luck