Im 27 years old and suffering from real bad unwanted thoughts. I get real upset when I get this thoughts I know that I will never hurt any one but just thinking these things gets me real sick to the point that maybe I’m a nut case. My wife is my mentor and tells me to relax but its doesn’t help . I was molested by an uncle at the age of six and it stopped in my late teens. My grandmother beat me to the point were I was laying in pool of blood. My question is: Are my unwanted thoughts of hurting the people whom love due to the emotional episodes in my life? I feel anger towards my wife but then I stop and ask myself why and then everything starts from there. I’m so tired of feeling this way I just want to escape this nightmare. I thought of killing my self at one point but deep down inside I know thats not the answer.
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Yes, I suspect that your unwanted thoughts of hurting the people you love is a result of the considerable abuse you suffered all through your childhood and into adolescence.
In many ways, what you are describing are symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Please be aware that, even years after the initial trauma, the symptoms can and do persist. In your case, this is particularly true because of the repeated nature of that abuse.
I recommend that you enter psychotherapy and begin learning to cope with your past and with your symptoms. I am fairly certain that it is difficult for you to handle stress because of the terrible things you were subjected to as a child. It explains why you become irritable with your wife and why you have those thoughts of hurting others.
Based on what you wrote in your E. Mail, I would think that you are far from what you call a "nut case." No, you are not crazy. Again, you experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
By the way, I want to urge you to see a clinical psychologist who uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It is also a good idea for you to learn to use meditation and yoga, both useful in reducing anxiety and stress. In our self help section you can find many suggestions on how to cope with stress.
It is possible that the psychologist will recommend a period of time on anti depressant medication. If that is true, follow those instructions.
You are correct when you state that suicide is not the answer. As a matter of fact, in attempting suicide or even having those thoughts, you are doing to yourself what your grandmother and uncle did to you. In other words, do not let them win. Get help and learn to enjoy your life and your wife.
Best of Luck