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No Sex

Question:

My husband was a great lover when we met 27 years ago.  Twelve years later he stopped all sex with me, no intimate touching, nothing, not even passionate kisses. I have caught him masturbating while looking at “stuff” on the computer. This happened three times in the past year. His excuse is he’s trying to regain his sex drive.

I am so lonely and yet, when I try to talk to him, he shuts up and refuses to talk about anything related to the issue. I feel like it is slowly killing our marriage. My trust in him is now low, although I am pretty sure he is not having an affair. He is very loving in all other ways, tells me he loves me, constantly, is a great provider but no intimacy in the bedroom. I am desperate about what to do. He won’t see a doctor, won’t talk about it and won’t even try.

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Answer:

You are presenting a very puzzling and difficult situation.  What I mean by that is that you seem to have accepted this situation for many many years and only now are becoming alarmed about it.  It seems that something has changed.  After all, you are married for 25 years but sex with your husband stopped 12 years after your marriage.  I agree that the lack of sex for 13 years is threatening your relationship but whining now instead of 12 years ago when your husband stopped being sexually active?  These are questions you need to answer for yourself.

Indeed, your husband’s behavior is indicative of something being very wrong.  He tells you that he is viewing pornography on the Internet in an attempt to awaken his sexual drive.  It is entirely possible that he is telling the truth.  There are many things that can cause a man to lose his libido.  For example:

1. Major depression, 2. Diabetes, 3. High blood pressure, 4. Cardiac. 5. Marriage problems, 6. Medications, and so on.

Depression and anxiety are known  to interfere with his sexual drive in men and women.  Does he seem depressed?  Is he having problems at work?

Your husband does not want to go to the doctor because, in most probability, he feels ashamed of himself for having a sexual problem.  Perhaps, if you told him that this is a problem between the two of you and that you would go with him to the doctor to find out what is going wrong with both of you, he would be willing to go.  My guess is that, at the moment, he believes it’s all his fault.  You’ll need to assure him that that is not true and that you want help in your relationship with each other.

An additional strategy that might help him, perhaps, is to begin seeing a psychotherapist for yourself. Knowing that you are attending sessions might encourage him to join you. Remember, you are extremely stressed and deserve to get help for yourself.

Please be aware that, if you continues to refuse, there is nothing much you can do except sue for divorce if you wish.

Best of luck

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