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Not Allowed To Contact My Boyfriend

Question:

I have been by myself for seven long years after a former twelve year relationship finally ended. After my partner left however we did see each other for about 15 months. In that time we had no physical relationship but enjoyed each others company for dinner, movie etc. Finally we moved on and I have been alone since. Amazingly I met a man and of course was smitten straight away and after a short period began a physical relationship, however very early in the relationship he was tested for cancer and found to have a malignant growth in his back, he was operated on, and treated and I have not heard another word. I did get one phone call after the operation and before the treatment to say not to contact him, he would contact me, he was about to face an intense course of therapy but did not want to lose our friendship but did not want to be in contact either. Should I give up hope now or do you think there is a chance that he does intend to contact me in the future. I would like to know how he is good or bad.

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

I don’t blame you at all for wanting to know how this friend of yours is doing. I find it sad, and quite selfish but maybe not so odd of him that he would push you away after learning he had a life-threatening condition. He must be afraid for his life, and perhaps ashamed of his ‘weakness’ and not wanting you to see him in that way. Or perhaps there are other reasons. In any event, I wouldn’t blame you for an instant if you attempted to contact him to see how he was doing. Perhaps there is some way to do so in a non-confrontational manner such as through a mutual friend, or via a hand written letter. You could communicate your love for him, your desire to support him, and your wish that he would grant you an audience. Using such non-confrontational methods would not put him on the spot and force a rash decision. If he doesn’t respond to your missive, I’d take that as a good lesson in how ready to be vulnerable this man is (not very), and I would do what I could to make myself available to other suitable gentlemanly company. There is no reason to sacrifice your own chances for romantic happiness to a man who has shut you out.

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