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Not There For Me

Question:

I have a big problem. I married a man I love, although he is not really there for me and has premature ejaculations. He doesn’t want help, and I am having a hard time with this. This has lead me to cheat on him only twice so far, but I realize I can be easily influenced. This situation is much more complex than I can share. Let me know what to do. Thanks.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
  • ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
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Answer:

Since I do not know the other complexities of your relationship, I will use the information provided to let you know what to do. First of all, you have committed adultery, which says to me that you can be easily influenced, unfortunately, at the expense of your relationship. It also says to me that you would rather be self-serving than try to work things out with your husband. I don’t exactly understand what you mean by your husband “not really being there for” you, but if it means that he’s often not around, and you’re having affairs, then your marriage is going to need a lot of help. Try to communicate better with each other about your needs as well as his. If your husband is self-conscious about his sexual problem, this could be a major reason for his being stand-off-ish or not wanting to seek help. His first step toward any recovery needs to come from you. I realize that you have needs as well, and I’m assuming it has been a long time since your needs were met, and thus, you felt the need for affairs. But, marriage is not all fun and games. It takes hard work, trust, communication, and love, not resentment. Communicate with your husband about how his not being there for you is hurtful to you, and you might also want to start your marriage recovery by finding out if there’s anything you can do on your part to help your husband with his premature ejaculation. Consider speaking with a sex therapist to learn how you can get him to be more attentive to your needs. And, as long as you intend to stay married to this man, honor your marriage vows, and stay faithful. Hope that helps, – Anne

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