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Nude Women An Issue?

Question:

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p>I’ve been with a great (seemingly) wonderful guy now for about 5 months. We’re seemingly very compatible and he treats me like a queen. I’ve had a high level of confidence with this relationship and trust and respect that I haven’t ever experienced before. He’s really into me; and expresses and communicates it fully; the relationship is quite serious. However, my curiosity has gotten the best of me at times–like I can’t trust that something and someone so wonderful is happening to me. So, I went snooping in some of his closets and stumbled upon a “coffee table” book of erotic, female nude photography. It’s well done; but I can’t get it out of my mind…does this mean something bad? It makes me question him…can I trust him…it’s almost sort of a mental cheating thing….I have no idea in what context the book belongs to him….but I’m feeling nervous about the fact that he owns it…should I be concerned? I feel as though in general I am “looking” for bad things so that it can validate that I shouldn’t deserve love or find love. Of course he has no idea I found it. I have no way of bringing it up with him. What to do? I’m trying to act normal but can’t get this out of my head. help. much thanks, Anne

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Answer:

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p>It does seem that you are looking to identify negative aspects about your boyfriend. If you look hard enough for dirt, you will always find it. So far you haven’t found much, and I’d have to advice keeping your prying fingers to yourself in the future. Everyone needs some measures of privacy. If you are caught snooping, it could be that your curiosity leads to him trusting you (and caring for you) less. Your going through his things is a behavioral admission on your part that you do not trust him. In the absence of anything he’s done wrong to give you a reason for suspicion, I’d say that this reflects badly on you.

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p>I’m not a detective or anything, but I’d say that the fact that your boyfriend has a hidden book of female nudes reflects an underlying sexual attraction on his part to the female form. Congratulations! You’ve determined that your man is heterosexual! The fact that you’ve found one art book and not a stack of Hustler magazine is telling. You’ve found erotica, rather than porn. The distinction is subtle, but real. Porn’s sole reason for existing is to create sexual arousal, and it is not classy about how this goal is accomplished, generally. Erotica tries to create sexual arousal too, but does so in a far more refined manner. What it all suggests is that your man has some normal sexual hungers, but is not gross about it. All in all, I’d say that he’s committed no serious crime and indeed maybe could be said to be a “catch” on this basis alone. As a women whose husband has that stack of Hustlers in his closet and she’ll likely trade with you.

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p>Many women feel threatened by the idea that their men are attracted to any other woman’s body but their own. While this is an understandable concern, it suggests (at least to me) that a certain level of anxiety or insecurity is present inside these women. The men I know end up looking at a lot of women. That they look doesn’t mean that they are necessarily unfaithful to their female partners (I believe I know many who are not), but simply that they are interested in the female form in general.

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p>Apart from trusting this man so long as he has given you no reason to not trust him, I’d say that you should let him keep his secret. Relax a little too, unless the very thought of his having such a book just makes you completely crazy and you cannot tolerate it. I don’t think that such a book qualifies as cheating. Cheating would be an actual relationship with some other (animate) woman, no matter how virtual that relationship might be. Chatting on the Internet with a woman is cheating. Looking at erotica in modest quantities is only a secret thrill. He has not forced this book on you, and has behaved very well towards you by your own account. Let the book’s existence remain his secret until such time as he might want to risk sharing it with you (or not) or throwing it away.

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    Not all women share the same view as anne does. You have to determine if your discomfort of your boyfriend having a book of nude photos is going to effect your relationship. If pornography is a major issue for you, not saying anything to your boyfriend will later effect your relationship. If you plan on marrying this man, and you do have a problem with this book or any pornography in general, it is something to bring out in the open now, not after you are married.

  • Anonymous-2

    While there are indeed unhealthy ways to look at the female (nude) body, the existence of such a book in the man's closet does not constitute what is commonly referred to as "pornography". If a woman equates artistic nudes with pornography, she makes the conscious decision of eliminating every man but the most sickenly prude from her pool of candidates. There is something just as unhealthy about rejecting nudity as there is in embracing it overwhelmingly and without restraint. I would caution a young woman against sanitizing her relationships to the point where it becomes alienating and (in my opinion) hypocritical. Talk about the book (or other books), but avoid any moralizing slant.

  • Diane

    I have a live in boyfriend, 1 year now and we both have daughters my daughter is older 14. His is 10 years old. I have found porn on his computer and he hides it. It also includes teens sites. I'm concerned because of the girls and they always have their girlfriends stay the night. I have comfronted him about the porn and said get it out of our lives or move on, I will Never accept it, so stop or pack. He says he will stop searching porn and does not do it anymore, but has lied. I have found it again and it's often and have not said anything yet this time. He also has in a secret place on his cell phone with nude photos and girls from his past hidden on his cell. There is a tip from a friend that s he often talks about other women, and women of his past. I feel I want to break off with this man who also has major anger issues if the subject of porn and secret password is questioned of why a password and what does he have to hide. He says he's not hidding anything and does not search porn. He does admit to pulling up his emails from buddies that send him porn and jokes but says he deletes the sites as soon as he realizes it's porn. I know that is a lie as well. Please help, I have a hard time with this because I'm the major bread winner, the one with my own business and have nice body and beautiful, very independant and not clingy, I cook everynight, clean, etc. I just want a man that wants me, not me and every other women to lust after. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and says he loves me with all his heart, but actions speak louder than words. I have a lot to offer in a relationship and feel I should not settle. The porn makes me feel I'm not enough and that I have no value, Hurts deeply. I feel if you really love someone you would not continue to hurt them and stop doing the things that hurt them without question. I would do the same for him if I were doing something that was causing him hurt and lack of respect. I never deny sex and he's the one who doesn't act interested except once a week or so. Never hugs me, or touches me or kisses me. If you seen me you would say whats wrong with this guy????Help!! I feel I'm replaced with his secret porn life, that all his desires are satisfied thru porn. Plus what's up with the teen porn? Should I have major concern about this, my daughter is beautiful as well. Is this guy also a pervert?? Please help, I need to make a decission fast I can't keep the secret that I know what he is doing without confronting him soon. Thank you, Diane 

  • Anonymous-3

    I would agree with the above, not necessarily confronting him about the book but bringing up the subject of porn is necessary at some point before marriage in every relationship I think. A lot of guys look at porn/ erotica etc. so its up to you to think about where the line should be drawn, and find out honestly what he does and doesn't look at. If you talk about it in an non-judgmental open way it can let everyone know where they stand. That way down the line you've already sorted out a huge issue.

    Personally I found out that my boyfriend was using porn and was not happy with it considering both our religious backgrounds. He was already trying to stop before he told me, but found it hard. Having it in the open and dealing with it now I think has strengthened our relationship for the future.

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