Ok… I don’t want to be one of these people that tries to get some sort of sympathy for their current events. I know that some people have it worse than me, but, here’s my scenario anyway.
When I was born my parents were never even dating in the first place. My mother left me with my grandparents when I was 3 and I didn’t meet my father until I was 13. My childhood, while probably seeming bad to other people, was completely happy to me. My mother’s boyfriend beat me into a coma and sexually abused me with his friends several times.
As I got older I struggled with depression and now, in my opinion, have it worse than I ever did. My grandmother, currently, is disabled. Nevertheless, she will call what few friends I have and tell them anything she thinks will repel them from me. Then, when they speak to me, they tell me everything she said and why they wont talk to me anymore. She tells me that she’s trying to protect me. She manipulates my surroundings to make me do what she wants. She has not let me leave this house to even see a friend in almost 3 years. She shut off the hot water to our house because she said that I couldn’t get clean no matter how much money I spent on hot water. She tells my grandfather that I abuse her so that he’ll beat me. I haven’t been out of my house in at least 4 months. I am told that spending 20 dollars on food for me a month is 19 dollars too much.
I don’t know what to do anymore. She has done the cruelest things to me just because I don’t bend over and do things her way. Like when she called my doctor and accused me of being a pedophile. When I asked her why she had done this, she said, “Well, you should have turned the light out last night when I told you to. That’s what happens.”
I have now been diagnosed with clinical depression and I think I’m sociopathic. I can’t feel empathy or love for people anymore and I’m scared of the things I’d be capable of if I finally snapped. I suppose my question is: Am I just crazy like my grandmother tells everybody or, is this as wrong as it feels and what should I do?
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I find it incredible for you to say that, “other people have it worse than you do.” There is no benefit in your comparing your situation to that of others. Your situation was awful and continues to be that way. The fact that others were abused does not detract from the abuse you suffered.
It is equally incredible that you report your childhood as having been “completely happy to you.” You were abandoned by your mother at age three and did not meet your father until age thirteen. When your mother did return, her boyfriend beat you so severely that you ended up in a coma. Then, he and his friends sexually abused you. Does that sound like a “completely happy childhood?” I think not.
I do not know how old you are but, I have a sense that you are an adult. If I am correct about that, I don’t understand why you remain with your grandmother, who, by the way, is just as abusive as your mother. In point of fact, even if you are an older teenager, I fail to understand why you remain with this woman who you describe as cruel?
It is true that children who have been abused, blame themselves and believe they deserved the abuse. Perhaps that is why you characterize your childhood as happy. It might also explain why you stay with your grandmother.
Under these circumstances, it makes sense for you to get away from that house and from your grandmother as quickly as possible. In my opinion, living in a shelter would be better for someone like you.
Some better places for you than a homeless shelter might be places such as the YMCA or YWCA, the Salvation Army. In addition to finding a residence of some type, you need to get a job to support yourself. A good starting place for you might be to speak to your Doctor and let him know of the importance of not divulging the information. In fact, you are protected by the laws governing privacy and confidentiality.
Finally, if you are a teenager, you could report the abuse to the authorities, such as the police. They would report it to the child protective agency in your state and, after they investigate, they would remove you from the home.
In any case, I think you understand what I am suggesting: that you get out of harm’s way, away from grandma and that house.
Yes, what happened to you can cause depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. How can you have empathy for others? Most likely, you are numb from the PTSD.
Best of Luck