The recent loss of my mother is causing problems with my husband. I resent my husband for not supporting me in the worst time of my life. I know he doesn’t know how to help me. But avoiding it doesn’t help at all. He says I am closing down and not letting him help me. I feel my resentment is so strong that there is no way he can make it up to me. Is it my fault that I don’t feel I need to show affection for him because I feel he is being selfish needing anything from me right now? I can”t deal wih his issues because I can’t deal with my own.
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It is clear and understandable that you feel grief for the loss of your mother. It is also clear that, in your grief, your husband feels a loss of you.
As a result, both of you are suffering and neither one of you is supporting the other. Somehow, the two of you must build some mutual understanding and trust. After all, if he feels a loss of you that is just as real for him as your loss of your mother.
Rather than speaking in terms of “who is at fault” the two of you need to sit down and talk about what you need from the other. You state that you cannot deal with your husband’s issues because you cannot deal with your own. What about the idea that he might be able to help you deal with his own?
This is a time of crisis and grief for both of you. Both of you must pull together and help each other. It’s important that each of you has a talk in which you each state what you need from your partner. In doing this it is important that neither one of you be judgmental of the other. Feelings of resentment and anger must be put aside. Talk to each other and allow the other to help.