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Sad

Question:

My wife and I parted, at her request, four years ago but I can’t stop thinking about her and I miss her so much.

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  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
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Answer:

Your post is so very brief but, I found it so very touching that I must respond, even with little information at hand.

The dissolution of a marriage is always painful and depressing. In some ways, it resembles a death, in so far as it’s an intimate relationship that dies. The fact that the divorce was at the request of your wife, its even more painful because it feels like a rejection. Consequently, most people go through a period of grieving, after a divorce, similar to the death of a loved one.

One of the most painful aspects of divorce is that the person who once loved you is now gone. There are many reasons why people marry and one of the most important has to do with feeling a sense of being wanted, valued and loved. Included in all of this is planning for the future in terms of buying a house, raising children, and sharing values and interests. All of that is a lot to lose.

However, even when death occurs, it is expected that the mourning process will gradually diminish so that, an individual can resume living a full life.

When mourning stretches beyond an average expected amount of time, we are then talking about depression. After four years of divorce, it is generally assumed that an individual, such as yourself, would have moved on with their life. In other words, it is likely that you are depressed separate and apart from grieving.

It is entirely possible that the loss of the marriage sparked your depression. It is also possible that you were depressed even prior to getting married but did not know it. Whatever the case may be, its important that you seek help for this. That is why I am urging you to find a good licensed clinical psychologist or licensed clinical social worker and enter psychotherapy. Therapy, especially Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT) has been found to be just as effective as medication in alleviating depression. Sometimes medication is needed in conjunction with therapy.

So, I urge you to seek help now. The sooner you begin, the sooner you will feel better.

Good Luck

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