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Scared And Lonely

Question:

I was married for 15 years. My ex husband had a health problem and so, our relationship became platonic but full of love. We had one child together.

An old school friend took me to meet a friend of there’s in order to get me out of the house.

Soon, I began meeting this friend and eventually cheated on my husband. The person I cheated with soon became my true companion, or so I thought. He  moved in with another girl and her children. After a year they broke it off because she cheated on him. He then came back to me then and we lived together for 2 years.

During this time a very close male friend of his was injured so badly in an accident that he needed help with driving to doctor appointments. My lover drove him and soon became very, very close friends with his friend’s girlfriend. I came home from work early one day and caught them together. I moved my belongings the next day. His friend eventually found out and made his girlfriend go live with my lover. However, he soon learned that she is sick with MS(Multiple Sclerosis).

Lately, my ex lover has been calling and texting me. I felt so low that, I met with him and had sex with him in his car. He is now cheating his new girlfriend(the one with MS) with me. While I want to tell her, I don’t because I fear that  it might make her disease worsen. Also, I need to stop being  addicted to this man.

I went from being a woman with a husband and family to now having nothing because of this man. Yet, I still occasionally have sex with him.

What’s wrong with me that I can’t get him out of my system? All day, I think of him being with her.  Then I want to break it off with him and say no. But, I go right ahead and meet him and have sex in a car like a teenager.

By the way, I am 54 years old. Please help me. I want a life and no longer want to live this way. Please help me.

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Answer:

It appears to me that you have a huge capacity for being emotionally abused. For example, you married a man who had some type of health problem that resulted in your sexual lives together ending. Of course, as a healthy woman you needed sex but were not able to have it. That you had an extra marital affair is understandable under those circumstances. I am not sure why you did not opt for divorce before developing a new relationship. I do understand that you had a child but the marriage was ending anyway and a divorce rather than an affair would have yielded better results. Why didn’t you make a clean break and find a reliable partner?

After the divorce you maintained a relationship with this boyfriend. That would not be surprising if it were not for the fact that he repeatedly cheated on you and you continued taking him back into your life. You even found him in bed with another woman in your home and, even though you moved out, you resumed with him. In fact, no matter what humiliation he puts you through, you return to him as soon as he contacts you. Why?

In the field of psychiatry and psychology there is a catergory of diagnosis that we call “personality disorder.” There are many types of personality disorders, all with different types of symptoms. However, what is common to all of these disorders is the fact that the person repeated engages in the same patterns of unhappy and self destructive types of behavior. In my opinion, this is true in your case. By the way, this is not a diagnosis of you but only an impression and opinion. You would need to see a clinical psychologist to get an accurate diagnosis and recommendation for the best type of psychotherapy.

Very often, personality disorders result from family dynamics going back to early childhood and continuing throughout so that, by the time of adulthood those dynamics become deeply embedded in the individual. I do not know what type of family struggles you grew up with but I am guessing that they were fairly unstable and that is where you learned about instabity.

I believe you when you say you no longer want to live this way. This why I want to urge you to find a good clinical psychologist and begin learning new and more happy types of behaviors that will help you achieve your goals.

Best of luck

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