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Sex And Intimacy

Question:

I’m a 32 year old divorced professional male. I’ve been divorced for 18 months. My ex has remarried, and moved to another city. We share joint custody of a 5 year old son. I feel very comfortable with the divorce, the new husband and am happy that we are apart. I do miss the companionship of a marriage… The issue for me is that I am maintaining several sexual/casual relationships with several women. I have slept with approximately 15 women since the divorce and regularly have sexual relations with 3-4 women during the course of a month (I was absolutely faithful during the 10 year marriage). These women are friends of mine (no one night stands). They understand and accept that the I am dating/sleeping with other women. I have no real desire to have a serious relationship with any of them (I feel like I am still searching for the right type of girl). I feel no guilt or remorse or commitment as a result of the sex. I am rather selective and often refuse to sleep with people. I guess the question is whether I should be concerned about my relative ambivalence about the sexual relationships (also – I masturbate daily, at least). I feel a real desire to have a companion but haven’t found her. I think the sex is a way to feel intimacy in the absence of a committed relationship.

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Answer:

I don’t think you need to be concerned, no. Life is a process. If you are not finding the intimacy you need in these relationships right now – at least you are finding the (hopefully safe) sexual release that most adults crave. And you are finding intimacy of a sort – although as you appear to recognize – the relationships you are having are not a substitute for a committed relationship. My advice to you is to be open and to keep dating (to not get fixed on a woman you are fairly sure you are not interested in). I’ll also recommend an excellent book on the relationship between intimacy and sexuality called Kosher Sex (by Shmuley Boteach) which might help clarify your thinking/feeling on this issue.

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