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Sexual Anxiety

Question:

Hello Doc, I don’t know who else to talk to about this so here it goes. My last boyfriend said I was bad at giving oral sex. He said this to be mean after we broke up over a year ago. But now I have a new boyfriend. My problem is that during the last year I have tried oral sex on him and I get so nervous and so much anxiety that I would have to stop. Now, I am to the point where just the thought of trying it again couses almost a panic attack and anger. The more I try to say no big deal just try again, the more I try to deal with the problem, the worse the anxiety gets. It seems like now the anxiety is way out of proportion to the problem. What started out as a bit of nervousness is now out of control. It bothers me a lot because I want to feel to be me and I don’t feel like this is me. What do you think?

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Answer:

Oral sex, and all sex is done out of love and affection for the other person. However, it is also done to gain pleasure for yourself. In other words, the idea is not only to give pleasure but to receive it as well. Please remember that.

Your last boy friend criticized you about oral sex. Well, that is a very mean and immature thing to do. People break up all the time but that is never an excuse to attack the sexuality of the other person. Shame on him!

If you love your present boyfriend and you want to give him oral sex because it pleases him and it pleases you, then do it. If it does not please you, then do not do it. However, it appears, fro what you write, that it does please you. If this is correct, then just do what comes naturally.

As long as you do not feel forced about oral or any other type of sex, then just have fun. Also, talk to your present boy friend about this. Tell him how you are feeling. If he is someone you cannot talk to then he is not the right boy friend.

Sex is supposed to be un self conscious and pleasurable.
Focus you thoughts on " is this pleasing ME" and not on "is this pleasing him." Also ask yourself if you trust him or not. Trust is enormously important to a healthy sex life between two lovers.

 Good luck

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