My fiancee has been divorced for 25 years and has been in and out of many relationships. All were ended by the men. She still is “friends” with most of these men and emails them occasionally. She always invites them to events and activities that we are going to attend. She has about 70 male friends and 15 female friends. One ex she talks with at least once every day on the phone. Invariably, we almost always run into one to several of these men. She drops our conversation and immediately gives them her full attention. She has admitted that her behavior is rude to me. She also likes talking to and meeting men when I am with her. Lately, when she talks to me, she doesn’t pay attention and tunes me out by looking at some object or something else that is going on around us. When she does talk to me she usually looks off to my side and hardly ever in my eyes anymore. I have talked with 6 different women about this problem and everyone of them has advised me to break the engagement and leave her. Your opinion would be appreciated. Help
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Successful intimate relationships are based on a couple of important foundations. Two of those foundations are: Trust and Respect. If those foundations are not rock solid, the relationship is doomed to failure. In my opinion, based on your description, you do not have either with this woman. The women you have discussed this with seem to agree and they encourage you to end the engagement. Again, in my opinion, they are correct. Here is why:
1. I am a strong believer in the principle that “what you see is what you get.” In other words, if your fiancee is behaving this way now, she will behave this way after you are married.
2. In the area of respect, even she admits that the way she acts when she runs into former boyfriends is disrespectful to you. She cannot even maintain eye contact with you. That is hardly what I would regard as respect.
3. Evidently, she not only maintains contact with ex boyfriends but even meets new men, if I understand correctly. That should not happen given that you two are now engaged to be married.
Let me put it this way: if I were in your shoes, I’d break this up as soon as possible and “get out of Dodge.”