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She's Lied About Everything

Question:

I met my son’s girlfriend almost a year ago. She claimed to be a psychologist in her fellowship year at a major hospital, a 2 time cancer survivor that became pregnant with his child about the time her chemo treatment for bladder cancer ended. She claims to have terminated that pregnancy just before Christmas last year. Since then she’s been diagnosed with stomach cancer and as of 6/9/13 given 3-6 weeks to live. Since then she has had her tumor removed via her esophagus and participated in a clinical trial that has virtually eliminated a stage 5 cancer. All of this while maintaining a robust appearance and having no physical signs of treatment or illness.

Their relationship has been a constant rollercoaster of “illness” and accusations of betrayal. My son is at his wits end and I have gone so far as to have her investigated. I have absolute proof that she lied about her hospital position, she’s an LVN, she didn’t attend the schools she claimed to, nor did she receive an athletic scholarship as a distance runner.

I don’t care who she really is but I don’t know what to do to stop her from destroying my son’s life. He attempted to break it off with her last week and she calmly informed him that she is 12.5 wks pregnant again and intends to keep the baby. During that visit my son managed to take photos of all of her prescriptions which there are about 15 and based on one for prenatal plus along with Odansstron filled on 7-24-13 it appears that for once she may be telling the truth. Based on prescribers listed on her various medications she is seeing approx 6 different MD’s and is taking everything from Adderall to Zanex. Ocycodone APAP, Hydrocodone with acetaminophen, Monodox, Indomethacin, Monelukast SOD, Hyoscamine, Omeprazole DR, Urelle Tabs and Budesonide…..

I Loved this young lady. I know my son does still. We have both agonized over her health and I went so far as to send them to HI and Ireland to make her last weeks better for them. I’m still struggling with accepting that she is obviously a very sick girl but now my son’s future is in her hands…..

Help!!!!

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Answer:

Even though it appears that your son’s girlfriend lied about everything there is nothing you can do about it except be supportive. In point of fact, if you son wants to break up with her, he has to find the strength to do so.

Parents almost always want to help their children as much as possible even when those children are adults. However, it is up to us to recognize that their lives are in their own hands and all we can do is offer advice which may be accepted or rejected. I’m assuming that, when you hired a detective to follow his girlfriend, that it was with his full knowlege and permission. If not then you over stepped your boundaries as a parent. In fact, in our efforts as parents to save our adult children from pit falls that we see coming, theyn often resent what they see as interference. I don’t know if that is true of you son but it could be. The hardest thing a parent must do is to step back and not interfere because that can create the opposite of what we hope to achieve.

This does not mean that a parent cannot discuss things with their son or daughter. For example, you might ask him if he  believes that this girl really is pregnant? After that, it is up to him to take any action, or not, as he sees fith.

I’m sorry that there is nothing more that I can offer. If your son doubts that she is pregnant then it’s up to him to break it off. We can’t save our children from themselves. If anything, encourage him to enter psychotherapy for himself. Remember, he got himself involved with this girl. He may need therapy to help himself get out of the situation and prevent himself from repeating the same mistake again in the future.

By the way, you could suggest, but only suggest to your son that she get a pregnancy test.

Best of Luck

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