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Should I Just Be Alone For Now?

Question:

Hello. I was married for 4 years and divorced about 1 1/2 years ago. He has a short temper and a drinking problem. I have never stopped loving him though. He moved out of state about 6 months ago…to start over new. I have been dating since then, trying to fall in love again with no success. I have been seeing someone new, but still find myself calling my ex-husband to see how he is doing. Well, recently I was at home watching a movie with my boyfriend and my ex-husband came knocking on my door. He drove 25 hours by himself, quit his job, and came to see me. Well he wanted to surprise me…he certainly did. I told him that he cannot just be coming without calling first. He knew my boyfriend was there and felt very hurt. He ended up calling and I told him that I don’t love him anymore, which is entirely untrue, but I don’t want to give him false hope. Back when we were married we went to counseling and my husband didn’t want to tell the counselor the full story about our relationship…I truly don’t think that it will work. I explained everything to my boyfriend who was quite understanding. Not happy, but understanding. I am so confused! I feel awful for my ex-husband and my boyfriend. Do you think that I should just be alone for now. I don’t know how to approach the subject.

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

The question is not ultimately what I think you should do. It’s what you think you should do. But I think you should be alone for a while. You don’t think your old marriage will work given its history of not working in the past, so that is a dud option, and you aren’t really all that excited about this new boyfriend so he might be a dud option too. How do you choose between a rock and a hard place? Sometimes the best way to do that is to reject both.

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Comments
  • roamer

    my ex girlfriend had done the same but did love me... she hadent moved on from the relationship before me.. had continued daily contact with him by phone.. i tryed to be understanding but hated that she did... it completely devestated me when she broke it off... she was torn between me and a very bad and unhealthy past relationship.. had i known she was still in the midst of moving on i would not have fallen for her.. i knew that she needed to be alone but that dident make it hurt any less.. the responsible thing to do is heal yourself so that when mr. right does come both will be ready and be able to build a solid foundation... secrates always tare down the basis of any relationship..

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