Hi.I am a 33 yr old woman..with 3 pre teens. I have been married twice..divorced ..to a man who beat me..widowed..to a man who didnt beat me..but controlled me.I was physically and mentally molested and beaten as a child. I refuse to have another relationship..becouse i only attract the wrong kind of men..and i feel very guilty when having sexual fsrelations becouse i have to either lie and pretend ive had a orgasm..to make them happy..which only makes me feel worse about myself..becouse i dont like to lie..or i have to fantasize about having sex with someone other than my partner..and usually it is a violent bad scene..one that would never get me excited in real life..one that would sicken and revolt me.And that doesnt make me feel better either!Just something else to tear down my spirit. So why is that the only way i can have a orgasm..i dont understand and i hate it. I have shut myself off from men..and even my friends..and even my children. One is staying with a aunt..the other two are with thier dad for the summer. I miss them and love them very much..but i feel like such a failure as a person and a mother. I have no interests in doing anything..i quit my mgrs job 3 months ago..for another job..that fell through..now im jobless..and hate myself even more for not keeping the other job. Soon i must find another job. But all i do is sleep and mess around on this computer. I dont watch tv..dont read..dont go anywhere..cant get the motivation to clean my house..wash my laundry or mow my grass.I do feed my pets. I only do what i have to do. I dont like the way i look..have no interests in anything i use to..and cant seem to make myself snap out of it..i frequently have crying spells..over nothing..im not sure whats going on.Its been like this for months..but not getting better..i use to be able to find a way out of it…for awhile..now there is nothing..my spirit is totally closed ..mentaly..im already dead..what the hells the matter with me..and why am i so sexually disfuctional?? Please help me..Please give me some answers.
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First of all, please make an appointment to be evaluated for depression. You are describing many of the symptoms of depression in your letter and it seems wise to get yourself checked out by a local mental health professional who could help you to feel better. This is something to do regardless of your ability to pay for it. If you can pay for it and you have a doctor, please go see him or her. If you can’t pay for it, please consider looking up your local community mental health center or public health (usually in the blue government pages of your yellowpages book) and see if you qualify for an appointment there. Community mental health centers are designed to offer mental health services to people with little means.
p> Despite all the negative things that you are describing and the hopelessness you seem to feel, I see much positive in what you’ve written. It is a pretty normal thing for people who have been abused and incested as children to get into abusive relationships as adults, and to experience depressed moods and the like. Don’t be blaming yourself for that. You were wounded as a child and this is all part of the wound. The positive things I see are that you are asking for help and that you are not in an abusive relationship and are actively keeping yourself out of one. These two things may not seem like much, but they are an indication of your underlying strength and resiliency – your capacity to make your life (and the life of your children) a better one.
p> In order to make your life a better one, it will be important that you seek support from others who can help you. I recommend that you look around for support groups for women who have been in abusive relationships, and/or for women who have been sexually abused as children. These groups are out there. One place to find them would be by calling up your local domestic violence women’s shelter (most communities have them, and there are free or low cost support groups at almost all of them). You may also want to look at getting into a psychotherapy situation (group, individual or both) to address the depression feelings and the abuse you have suffered, and to support you as a parent. At the groups, you’ll meet other women who have been through similar situations as yourself and you will be able to draw inspiration and support from them.