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The First Time

Question:

i recently had sex for the first time and the guy i had it with i thought cared for me a great deal…i went off to school and then his feelings for me i guess just slowly left. i still cared for him so much…i still do…since then we’ve gotten back together 2 times but it never works…i cant keep from thinking about him…i cry like every night because we’re not together anymore. i also went to the doctor because i was losing sleep and showing signs of being diabetic. but really she said i was clinically depressed and put me on Prozac…does the sex thing have to do with the depression?? what can i do to keep from thinking about this guy that means so much to me? i want to get better but i cant keep from thinking about him 24/7. thanks

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Answer:

You may be depressed, but you may also be grieving. The two are not mutually exclusive. It is fairly natural to grieve the loss of your first lover. It is also fairly hard to sustain the passion and energy of a romance when you are far apart. Some people are able to do it, but most end up with the relationship coming apart. It is good that you went to the Doctor. Please follow her recommendations and take the medicine she’s prescribed for you. Please also consider finding a person (or people) you trust to talk about your relationship and how upset you are about losing it.

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p> Distraction is good when you are in the grip of an unwanted romantic obsession. Accept the fact that you are in love with this guy, that while he may have meant every word he said to you in the past, he is not emotionally available to you today, that it hurts and may hurt for some time. Then, go out and find a project to occupy your mind that requires you to be engaged in something. Go exercise, or do some volunteer work, find a paying job, anything to productively and usefully fill your time and attention with something other than your absent boyfriend. Then trust that time will heal things and that you will feel better in the future.

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p> Chances are very good that you’ll come through this experience just fine. You may approach future relationships with a little more jaded eye, but that is okay if that happens. We grow older and wiser. You will be able to appreciate your future relationships with an older and wiser eye.

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