Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Who Answers?

The Marriage Corner: Do You Think My Marriage Can Be Repaired?

Question:

How have you been together? My husband & I have been together for 13 yrs in Feb.

What is your age range? 34-39

Please share your story:   My husband & I have been together for 13 yrs & have been married for 11 & 1/2. We have separated 8 months ago, due to several problems. I love my husband very much and didn’t realize just how much until he was gone from my life. I knew I loved him, but now I realized how much and it may be too late.

We got together when he was 22 and I was 27. Everything happened. fast. we went from dating to, 4 moths later, living together. Two months after that I was pregnant, and 16 months after getting together to we were married.

We got along very well at the beginning. Then things slowly went south, which lead to where we are today, separated. On Easter Day last year I threw my husband out when he decided to call me a dime store whore and say I was messing with someone else after a weekend of me and my daughter visiting a friend. We got into a very bad argument and he once again decided to pull his hand gun out &ask me if I wanted him to end it all for everyone.

This wasn’t the first time he did this. I was very upset and told him to leave. I don’t think he would have done anything considering he never did before, but it once again made me scared. So we did separate. A couple months later I decided to try dating a friend. I quickly realized it was never going to work because I loved my husband too much. I stopped dating. 

I have told my husband how I feel about him and have apologized many times. He had also started seeing someone else but split up with her during this 8 month period. However, now he’s been talking to another woman and, I am afraid I may have lost him forever.

I told him I was willing to change where things needed to. we have had occasional sexual relations since right before Christmas but have decided to stop doing that in order to lessen the pain.

I’m not sure if he still loves me or not, but I do know I love him & want our family back together. This is also hurting our daughter very much.

Do you think this marriage can be reconciled? Please help..

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Marriage Corner staff respond to your marriage problems questions from the perspective of training in clinical mental health and psychotherapy.
  • The intent of Marriage Corner and Mentalhelp.net is to provide to provide general educational information to the readership of this website. Responses from staff and readers should not be understood as psychotherapy or specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by the Mentalhelp.net staff or to people making their submissions. No correspondence takes place.
  • Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. MentalHelp.net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. This includes making any changes to your personal relationships. If you are taking medications or are in psychotherapy, do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication and do not stop psychotherapy without first consulting with your physician or psychotherapist.
Answer:

Thank you for submitting your situation to the Marriage Corner. Readers are welcome to submit their experiences and opinions about this situation.

In my opinion, the real question should be not “can this marriage be repaired, but, should this marriage be repaired. Let me explain why I am questioning the wisdom of returning to your husband:

What stands out in my mind is the fact that, when the two of you would argue, he would, on several occasions, pull out a gun and threaten suicide. There is a very fine line between threatening suicide and committing murder once a gun is involved. On the occasions when he pulled out this gun, you husband could have as easily killed you as himself or could have accidentally shot and killed himself even though he was only making threats. Under those dire circumstances I am not sure why you want to return to your marriage and why you seem to mention the gun only in passing.

The fact that, not only did your husband pull out a gun on more than one occasion when he was angry, but also cursed at you, creates a picture of an angry man who is impulsive and untrustworthy. In other words, are you and your daughter safe with him around?

In my mind, the terms, “domestic violence and abuse,” raise their ugly heads.

You also report that each of you had affairs soon after the two of you separated. That fact makes it difficult to believe that there is real loved involved here. We human beings have a tendency to romanticize and idealize things after the fact.

What do the rest of you think? Add your comments if you wish.

More "Marriage Corner" View Columnists

Comments
  • Helen

    Hello,

    I just had to comment and let you know that you are not alone. My ex husband used to wave a gun around, threaten suicide, and say things like "if you ever leave me, I would kill me/you/him..." He also called me names, killed my self-esteem, convinced me that I was lucky to have him because no one else would ever want me. When I was young, I thought that meant he really couldn't live without me and it was slightly romantic. As I got older, I realized that it was only his way of controlling and manipulating me into doing what he wanted. I felt that if he were to hurt himself or someone else, it would be my fault. I have remarried, and now know that true love doesn't threaten, manipulate, control, or belittle the other person.

    I promise you, you don't have to live with threats, being called names, or accused of things you aren't doing. Real love doesn't do that. I've been through counseling, and it does help. I highly recommend it for you. I hope my words help in some small manner, and you are able to be strong for yourself and your daughter.

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 Who Answers? 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand