How long have you been together? 8 yrs
What is your age range?40-45
Please share your story:
My Husband and I met Dec 8, 2003. He had been married twice before and I had been married once before. About a month after we met he moved himself and his 4 children in with me. We got married in August of 2005. Throughout our relationship he made online dating profiles and contacted many women on them. Each time I had caught him he told me it was my fault. He said that, if I had done this that or the other, he wouldn’t have been seeking out other women. Each time I told him that this was unacceptable behavior and I wouldn’t have it. Each time I stayed.
In July of 2007, after having a car accident where I broke my back, he left me so that I was homeless and in the hospital. I went to northeast to stay with some friends and my children and I started making a new.
In October of 2007, after 2 months of begging me to come back, I did. We found a house in a small town and, if he left me again, the house would be in my name and I could afford it on my own.
In November of 2007, I found out that he had been having a relationship with a woman from Ohio. He’s is an OTR (Over The Road) truck driver. Once again, he claimed it was my fault. We went on for a year with nothing new happening. Once again, I was trying to get my self esteem back and learning to trust him.
In January of 2009, I found out that he had been having a relationship with his daughter-in law’s sister from Georgia. Once again, he said it was my fault. Through all of this, he told our old church, his family and friends, and my friends, horrible lies about me. He said I abuse the children and him, I spend all the money, I cheat on him and etc.
In January, he says he got saved, accepted Christ into his heart and his life. I was thrilled, finally he would have a higher power to answer to. Then, the bomb dropped. October 15, 2010, 3 months after we adopted our baby, one month after we dedicated our baby, I caught my husband in his truck with his second ex-wife. This is the woman who cheated on him numerous times, who left their young children alone to go have these affairs, the woman who chose a child molester over him and her children.
That weekend, he said the affair was over. Then, I found him in the truck with her again. That was the same day I found out that my recurring ovarian cancer was back. I tried to get over it, to believe him. I think I wanted to believe him, but on November, 1, 2010, he was in the truck with her again.
This time, I kicked him out and started divorce proceedings. Through the whole time we were separated, he became insanely jealous. Every time I would leave the house, he accused me of going out with other men. I did not. To me, marriage vows are very sacred. On Nov. 29th, I found out he was seeing other women besides his ex-wife, women he had met online.
Don’t ask me how or why, I don’t fully understand it myself, but on Christmas day, I let him come home. Since that day, he has said that God has shown him how wrong he was in what he did to me, that I taught him unconditional love. But I can’t get over it. Any of it. I will be going along fine, and suddenly have gut wrenching flashbacks.
I love him, but there are times I can’t stand his voice, touch, the sight of him. I am trying to forgive and forget, but when I ask questions all I get from him is, “I don’t remember.” He tells me it is in the past, forget it and get over it. How do I do this? Some days, I just cry, some days, I just want to walk away. I want to know why, why did he do this to me over and over again? I know I am partly responsible, because I allowed him. I kept taking him back.
What should I do now?
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In my opinion, you are asking the wrong question when you want to know why he did all of this to you? The real question is, why did you allow him to do this to you? Why did you continue to take him back in the face of all of those extra marital affairs? Why do you continue to live with him in the face of his womanizing, lying about you in the community, his attempting to defame you and to besmirch your reputation in the church?
My educated guess is, and I suspect most people would agree, that you cannot get past this, cannot forgive him and, finally, should never forgive him. In my opinion, you need to end this marriage and end it now. He has made a mockery of the institution of marriage, permanently destroyed your trust and treated you with the utmost disrespect. I know that many people would counsel you to forgive him. I do not see how you can do this until he is out of your house and the marriage is dissolved. Then, after time and healing take place, you can find it in your heart to forgive, but not right now.
I want to encourage you to seek psychotherapy to help you understand why you allowed him to abuse you and why you continue to do so. You need support, understanding and the encouragement and courage to leave this marriage and rebuild your sense of dignity.
Again, in my opinion, you cannot move past this until you end this.
What do our readers think?