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The Sober House Lesson


A guy asked me out at work. He was nice a respectful but when we went out he was crude and said “I only screw I do not like to use the word make love. To make love is only when a person is in love”. He was very angry. He also said he lived in a sober house where the men in the house are not aloud to give women in the community any eye contact or sexual gestures. There is a hospital across the street. What kind of house and what kind of men are these? When I try to find out I get no answer. It is almost a secret on what kind of group home it is. The night we went out he almost seemed like he was fighting back some kind of urge. When I caught him looking at me at work he quickly turned but looked at me with a perverse look and also with guilt. He purposely kept himself away from me like fighting an urge. Once he said “I am not your dream man ok I am not”. He is secretive. He never wanted me to let anyone know him or see him. When I did let someone know he quickly kept away. There is something that scares me. I feel like if I knows what he did in the past or who he is that I wont care about him. He also asked me when we went out if I ever had sex with two men. Why? Maybe I am stupid but I do not know and I need answers.

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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You are a deer in headlights and this man is a car headed right at you at 70 miles per hour. You are going to get splattered all over the road. GET OUT OF HIS PATH WAY BEFORE HE HITS YOU! STOP SEEING HIM IMMEDIATELY for your own safety and sanity (and for his). People who live in a sober house are recovering addicts/junkies/alcoholics. Until very recently, they were abusing drugs or alcohol so hard that they were unable to keep their lives together. Frequently they have lost their homes, jobs, families and friends by the time they would end up in a sober house. Being in a sober house means that the newly recovering addict/junkie/alcoholic is trying to get his (or her) life back together (which is an admirable thing for him/her to do). In order to help these folks to have a shot at getting their lives back together, the sober house usually imposes some rules on how they can act. The house members need to focus on one thing only and that is remaining sober. They need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous on a daily basis. They are STRONGLY advised to not get into any new relationships for at least one year (guess what – you are a new relationship for him). He is probably sneaking around because if the house finds out that he has a new girlfriend they will know he is not serious about his recover and they will kick him out on his ass. If he is willing to cheat on his housing rules, it is a sign that he is probably not a good bet for recovery this time around and will go back on his junk/booze/beer/pills/weed/whatever. If he cheats on his recovery, he will probably cheat on you. Apart from the fact that this drug addicted guy has no business having a relationship with you right now, his sexual fixations are alarming. He is telling you point blank that he wants to have purely physical sexual relations with you and is not prepared to care about you as a person at all. Most women do not want to be involved with a man of this sort as they will only hurt and disappoint you. Dump this guy for now, okay?? There are men out there who are not drug addicts, who will treat you decently, and who will be open rather than secretive. Find one of them instead.

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  • Anonymous-1

    Bravo! Great answer Anne! I have had the experience of working in one of the sober houses for men, and yes, the rule does apply in most decent houses, that men are not to have any type of female contact for at least one year. This is designed to help the male concentrate solely on his sobriety and not let worries about a female distract him from the importance of staying clean and sober. I agree with your comment that he is not serious about his recovery if he is sneaking around and it is a pretty sure bet he knows if he gets caught that he will be out the door on his butt ASAP! I also agree that she should leave him immediately and end everything, but also maybe look into attending some Alanon meetings for herself.

    signed: concerned


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