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Too Different?

Question:

My boyfriend and I have totally different values when it comes to sex. I love it, need, and want it quite often. He, on the other hand, says it’s not that important to him. I feel he never really feels sexual towards me.

The first month of our relationship I felt he was so into me sexually. Now, I feel like he’s only having sex to please me but a lot of times he doesn’t seem into it, and loses his erection.

He sometimes blames me for putting so much pressure on him. I don’t feel I’m the problem. I feel like love and sex do not go hand in hand for him.

My question is, what do we do? He’s going to see a therapist but, how long is too long for trying? I love him so much and he tells me I’m the one and the love of his life. I just want a normal sex life. I don’t want it 7 times a week or anything. I just want him to be into it as much as I am.

I feel so undesirable. What do I do?

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Answer:

It is understandable that you are feeling undesirable as a result of your boyfriend not wanting sex. However, my guess is that it has very little to do with you.

At the end of your post you mention that he loses his erection during intercourse. This happens to many men and, when it does happen, its very anxiety producing. Men value their ability to have and hold an erection. Primarily, that is because they want to please their partner.
Some women do not understand this, mistakenly thinking men selfish. This may be true of some males but, not most of them. That is why losing an erection is so threatening to men. It goes something like this, “What kind of man am I, how will I ever please my partner”?

Unfortunately, the problem is exacerbated by avoiding sex. Simply, sex become so fraught with anxiety, that, it feels better to not have it. This strategy does not work because the problem is always there, in his mind. Some men are in denial about having a problem and, instead, blame their partner. I believe your boyfriend may be doing this.

However, its important to ask how the woman is reacting to her partner’s erectile problems? Women become just as anxious as their men. Their anxiety is expressed by making increasing demands for more sex, looking for reassurance that they are attractive and that they can solve the problem. I believe you might be doing this but, it does not work.

while its a good thing that he is going to therapy for this, its also possible that it would help for the two of you to go to counseling. After all, this is a problem that plagues both of you.

Several couples I worked with in psychotherapy I referred to their medical doctors for an opinion. In several cases, the MD prescribed Viagra. Actually, it worked quite well by improving performance, and, thereby, reducing anxiety. They were able to stop the medication and resume a normal sex life after just a few months.

I am not implying that this is the solution for you and your boyfriend. Rather, it may be something to discuss if therapy alone does not work. That is why I am suggesting that couples counseling with a psychologist who specializes in sexuality might be a very good idea. At the very least, it might reduce the anxiety you are both feeling.

Best of Luck

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