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Torn Over Children

Question:

I am in a wonderful supportive relationship with a man who I adore, and who adores me. recently we got engaged after dating for 2 years; (we spent 18 months dating long distance (he lived an hour away) and then we moved in together and have been peaceful co-existing for the past 8 months); I am happier than I have ever been in my life. the problem is that this would be my second marriage; my first marriage was troubled – my ex-husband ran around on me, drank, and was abusive; I left him after 3 years with our young son; my son and I relocated to start over and after living in this new town for awhile I met this wonderful man. my problem is that I no longer want anymore children and my fianc?e’ is an only child and would love to have at least one child. I am at my wit’s end because this will make or break our relationship because I am too honest a person to enter a marriage knowing that we have differing views on having a baby. any advice you can give would be appreciated greatly.

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Answer:

First let me say how wonderful it is that you got yourself out of an abusive relationship. That must have taken strength and courage. I am proud of you. I am also proud of you for being honest and taking your present situation seriously. I can appreciate just how nice it must feel to have found this good man after having endured the previous abusive one. I can also appreciate the difficulty you are experiencing not wanting any more children and knowing that your fianc?e does. A more selfish woman only interested in landing this man would not worry too much about this problem. I’m glad to see that you are not this way. I believe that the thing to do is to talk about your concerns with your fianc?e openly and at length. He needs to know that you don’t want to have any more children and why this is so. He also needs to know how distressing your incompatible desires are to you; how much you love him and are fearful of loosing him over this. You need to know all about his desire to have children (why he wants them, if he could live without them, etc.). You both need to know what your alternatives are. I don’t know if this is the best way to insure that you’ll get married as soon as possible. However, I do think this is the best way to be intimate with your fianc?e, and I think there is tremendous value in honest intimacy. If there is an acceptable compromise solution to be had, then open discussion is likely to be the best path to find it. Good Luck with this, – Anne

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