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Question:

Hi all, not sure if this is the right place, hoping it is. My problem is that my father doesn’t speak to me. im 25, my whole life he’s been a workaholic and alcoholic. He gets home and passes out in an hour or so. My mom was the party type. My dad has been in and out of formal rehab (never worked for more than a day after out). Well, just over year ago I finally broke down to him and got him in a Christian work/rehab program (Freedom Farm). Well, he was completely sober after. I ran his business while he was in rehab.

When he returned everything was great. We have NEVER talked like we did. However, I still felt he placed blame on my mother for drinking (they split up). Anyhow, down the road about a year, while working for him, his girlfriend made him fire me. I felt she was in it for money, she met him as an alcoholic and wanted to be with him before rehab. Who wants to be with a guy who is shitting his pants and calling hookers? They got together after he was out. I guess she found out my opinion. Well, since then we havn’t spoke once. I’ve seen him in public though. By the way, I live directly behind his work.

My mother loves me but shes an alcoholic and lives 8 hrs away. I have smoked pot since I was 16 and recently quit. Now I have to face my emotions. The problem is, I can’t sleep and, if it wasn’t for my deep love for my mother, I’d really kill myself. In fact, typing this is making me cry. 

I don’t know what to do. please help. Plus, on top of all this, I just split up with my girlfriend after living together for 2 years. I’m also unemployed. My car also just blew its motor.

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Answer:

You are experiencing many of the symptoms of an adult child who grew up in an addicted family. In other words, you have become what is known as the “parentified child.” That is someone who takes on the role of mother and father in the family because the parents are addicted.

This why, in reality, you first need to get psychotherapy to help you give up the role of parent to your mother and father and begin your adult life, independent and free of your parents. You also need help from a therapist in recovering from your feelings of depression. You have spent so much of your young life caring for your parents that you now find yourself with no role to play in your own life. In my opinion, it would be great for you to move somepace far from where your father lives.

In addition to finding a good therapist who works in the field of addictions, you need to attend Alanon meetings. That is the part of Alcoholics Anonymous that is devoted to family members of an alcoholic relative, in your case, that relative is your mother and father. The meetings are free and will help you learn to break free of your parents and the role they put you in.

Get help now.

Best of Luck

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