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Violent/murderous Sexual Fantasies


Ever since I could remember, I have always had sexual fantasies involving knives and being murdered. I’m (female) 20 yrs old now and this has been happening since I was around 7 or 8 and on. My mom told me SOME pieces from my past and there had been sexual stuff done to me by this man I used to know (I was around 10 at the time it happened). I don’t remember any of the details (nor do I have an emotional attachment to the event) but I can’t have a sexual relationship with a guy because of the way I view sex: because of the unwanted images in my mind. These thoughts come unannounced and plague me. I can’t seem to get rid of them. I have found guys that are into extremely violent sexual behavior (including holding a knife to my throat, cutting, etc) and they have fantasies of BEING a serial killer so I’ve kinda hooked up with them as far as sexual behavior goes, but I’m also afraid of my mind. I’ve had dreams of being raped at knife point, tied down, being cut up and getting my throat slit……and the worst part is, I enjoy those dreams and thoughts, to the point where I wish I could actually experience it. But at the same time, they scare me and make me sick. I’m an extremely social person and have a lot of friends, but lately these thoughts/obsessions have become too much. I can’t even concentrate on college, it seems like serial killers and murder is all I can think about. I guess I don’t know what to do, you think I should seek mental help? Also, do you know what it is or if it’s a disorder of some type?

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First, let me clearly state that, yes, I think you should seek mental health treatment.

Second, yes, I believe you are experiencing some type of disorder but I am unable, of course, to give any type of diagnosis because I do not know you. However, I will discuss some possibilities and hope that you get help for your self.

Third, you seem to have a good understanding of your self: that you are experiencing obsessions and mental pictures that are unwanted, scare you and distract you. That is a good start for you in terms of recovery.

From what your mother has told you some man committed sexual offenses against you from the time you were 8 years old, with the possibility that this continued for a certain amount of time. That you cannot remember this is not unusual but that does not mean it did not happen. It is very important that your mother told you about this. What I mean is that you do not have some type of false memory. In fact, you do not remember. It is possible that you do not remember because the event was too traumatic for such a little girl. Who knows, maybe, just maybe, this man held a knife to you and threatened you to not tell. I suppose you could ask your mother if you wanted to, just for clarification. However, all that really matters is that you keep having these unhappy thoughts.

Based on the kind of young men you seem to choose, it would seem like you are confused between mature sexual excitement with a loving adult male and these sadomasochistic thoughts that both excite and repel you but are not based on maturity. romantically. That is why, for the present, it may be better that you do not have a sexual relationship because you are confused and because you do not want to experience mature sex in such a violent way. Sometimes fear is very protective. The hope is that, when you are ready, you will have sex and a full romantic relationship free of these obsessional and violent ideas.

In my opinion, psychotherapy with a well trained clinical psychologist or licensed clinical social worker who is aware of and sensitive to childhood trauma issues as well as obsessive compulsive disorders and sexual trauma, would be the best approach. You could start with the counseling department in the health center at your school and get a private referral from there.

You are young and deserve every opportunity to live a full and gratifying personal, romantic and sexual life. Get started on getting help and I want to wish you the very, very best.

Best of Luck

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  • Anonymous-1

    i think u should get help. maybe in the future because of your thoughts you might find a real serial killer and you might get it for your safety.its okay to have aggressive sexual thoughts but your thoughts are a little bit to dangerous.

  • Anonymous-2

    Oh my gosh i just want to thank the person who submited thier story...i am soo happy to hear that I am not alone...this means so much to me.

    I have obsessive thoughts for being raped and sometimes torcherd....i was raped abused by my ex and the flash backs i had eventually turned into i have a very hard time having an "O" with out thinking of being raped...the part of it that scares me the most is that i think of being raped by much older men or ex was 7 years older than me...iv also had a much older co-worker try to persue me...but because i was so shelterd i didnt realize or understand alot of what they were really trying to do....i was 23 and the co-worker was about 70..i thought we were just friends so i thought it was ok to hang out with him one time at ihop after work one day...and i thought it was fine for him to give me a ride home and kiss me on the side of the forehead before i got out of the car.

    anyway i started to fantasize about him and much much older men molesting or raping me after the school counseler told me he was probably trying to "groom" me by giving me things and buying me dinner.

    my thoughts since then have became more twisted and they scare me ...i end up curled up in the fetal postion crying everytime i fanstise.

    I didnt realize this could be part of OCD ...i found some free resources in town the past week and hope to start attending OCD counseling soon


  • Anonymous-3

    I have to disagree, I don't think this is necessarily a disorder. There are a surprising number of people out there with fantasies like this. I've had them all my life (and I've never been abused). If these thoughts are a problem for you - and especially if you think you might act on them and put yourself in danger - then you should look into getting help. But if you know you won't put yourself in danger, working to accept your fantasies is another option and might work better in the long run (and might help keep your fantasies under control, instead of taking over your life the way you said they had been - it seems counterintuitive, but they might leave you alone more once you aren't fighting with them... like how if you tell yourself not to think of a pink elephant it's suddenly all you can think about!). As long as you make sure to keep fantasy and reality separate, there's really nothing wrong with having these thoughts.

  • Anonymous-4

    I have this same problem. I have had some sucess reprograming myself, for lack of a better word.

    What I did was found a nutrel image to look at or imagine while nicely touching myself. Not masterbating, although that is eventually where it heads. I chose a favorite camping picture with no people in it. Whenever unwelcome thoughts intruded I would stop and pray. If thats uncomfortable for you, just stop and maybe tell yourself you deserve to be loved nicely. I did this everyday for a couple months. Starting at about 5 min a day. It worked wonders. Although the violent self degridation is so much a part of me that it may never be totally gone.

    Anyway, I could not afford anykind of help. And for myself I understood where it was coming from. It was the NOW i needed help with. Get counseling, ask about what i tried and whatever other options to address the now and not just the "core issues". Good luck!

  • Paul

    I am technically mentally ill, although I am often coherent in my speech and don't show symptoms. What I have is technically called "mental illness" no matter how good I might feel today. Sometimes I am not episodic. A psychiatrist isn't always a good idea, but if you see a psychiatrist you might want to ask for a PRN order. I ask my psychiatrist for a PRN order. A PRN order means that my psychiatrist prescribes me medication but I won't necessarily take the medication. I play heads and tails with my medication. I go off my medication when I am feeling better and I don't take it again until I have another episode. Sometimes a psychiatrist can do more harm than good and they can medicate and leave a person on medication. That's why I ask my psychiatrist for a PRN order and he is a very nice psychiatrist and writes PRN. I recommend if you are going to let anyone medicate you, be sure that it's a PRN order and that if you are feeling better, you have a right to go off your medication. The pills are around just in case of another episode. No one should have to take psychotropic medication every day, to become lethargic, gain weight and become emotionally dull. But a PRN order is only to target symptoms. If you want to talk to me, you may and I can give you further advice and my screen name, but I think most importantly, any medications should be PRN orders and not to be taken prophylactically.

  • Anonymous-5

    Wow, thanks for all the comments and i'm working towards getting myself help or at least, trying. I want help so badly. I don't want to have these thoughts but there is a voice driving me closer and closer into madness. My current boyfriend has extreme fantasies of murder and fights the urge to act on them, so during sex we role-play my death (he holds a knife to my throat, cuts my body and strangles me to the point of near unconsciousness). He is a HUGE sweetheart and the most loving, loyal guy i have EVER met, but neither one of us knows how to deal with this darker side. I love feeling my body writhe and fight beneath him as i gasp for breath, or feel my body bleed as his knife cuts me. He also whispers in my ear how badly he wants to watch me bleed to death as he holds the knife tight against my throat and the voices in my head scream at him, pleading with him to kill me and i find myself fighting the voices/thoughts and begging for my life not to end.

    This is getting worse, and i'm on a waiting list at the moment to get help, i don't feel i'm strong enough to fight this on my own. My boyfriend does NOTHING BUT COMPLIMENT ME....he tells me i'm his angel, that he doesn't know what he would do without me in his life, tells me i'm beautiful, etc. He's very romantic and gentle, and i just feel so safe in his arms, even knowing how easily he could take my life. He battles it cause on one hand, he loves me very much and on the other, he fights his urges/impulses. I bought the album "The Emptiness" by the band Alesana (screamo band) and the whole album is a story about a sketch artist who descends into madness, butchers his lover, and becomes so paranoid/obssessed with her, that he goes on a killing spree and takes his own life while seeing her appear before him everywhere he goes. ME AND MY BOYFRIEND DEDICATED this album to eachother, cause his mind is much like the killer's in the album and to us, this is romantic.

    i just feel like i'm losing my grip, that there are two sides of me, and lately, the darker side has become more violent towards me....i'm praying i can get help soon, i can't afford it at the moment hence why i'm on the waiting list for a medical program that will help pay for the costs of doc appointments, etc

  • Anonymous-6

    I was sexually abused when I was 6 and 12. I live my life in a constant abusive fantasy world where I think everyone that possibly could, will take advantage of me. I can't engage in any sexual activity unless I have no control and I want the sex to be humiliating and degrading. It can't be any other way for me. I'm ashamed and disgusted by my thoughts but I feel worthless without them.


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