Ever since I could remember, I have always had sexual fantasies involving knives and being murdered. I’m (female) 20 yrs old now and this has been happening since I was around 7 or 8 and on. My mom told me SOME pieces from my past and there had been sexual stuff done to me by this man I used to know (I was around 10 at the time it happened). I don’t remember any of the details (nor do I have an emotional attachment to the event) but I can’t have a sexual relationship with a guy because of the way I view sex: because of the unwanted images in my mind. These thoughts come unannounced and plague me. I can’t seem to get rid of them. I have found guys that are into extremely violent sexual behavior (including holding a knife to my throat, cutting, etc) and they have fantasies of BEING a serial killer so I’ve kinda hooked up with them as far as sexual behavior goes, but I’m also afraid of my mind. I’ve had dreams of being raped at knife point, tied down, being cut up and getting my throat slit……and the worst part is, I enjoy those dreams and thoughts, to the point where I wish I could actually experience it. But at the same time, they scare me and make me sick. I’m an extremely social person and have a lot of friends, but lately these thoughts/obsessions have become too much. I can’t even concentrate on college, it seems like serial killers and murder is all I can think about. I guess I don’t know what to do, you think I should seek mental help? Also, do you know what it is or if it’s a disorder of some type?
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First, let me clearly state that, yes, I think you should seek mental health treatment.
Second, yes, I believe you are experiencing some type of disorder but I am unable, of course, to give any type of diagnosis because I do not know you. However, I will discuss some possibilities and hope that you get help for your self.
Third, you seem to have a good understanding of your self: that you are experiencing obsessions and mental pictures that are unwanted, scare you and distract you. That is a good start for you in terms of recovery.
From what your mother has told you some man committed sexual offenses against you from the time you were 8 years old, with the possibility that this continued for a certain amount of time. That you cannot remember this is not unusual but that does not mean it did not happen. It is very important that your mother told you about this. What I mean is that you do not have some type of false memory. In fact, you do not remember. It is possible that you do not remember because the event was too traumatic for such a little girl. Who knows, maybe, just maybe, this man held a knife to you and threatened you to not tell. I suppose you could ask your mother if you wanted to, just for clarification. However, all that really matters is that you keep having these unhappy thoughts.
Based on the kind of young men you seem to choose, it would seem like you are confused between mature sexual excitement with a loving adult male and these sadomasochistic thoughts that both excite and repel you but are not based on maturity. romantically. That is why, for the present, it may be better that you do not have a sexual relationship because you are confused and because you do not want to experience mature sex in such a violent way. Sometimes fear is very protective. The hope is that, when you are ready, you will have sex and a full romantic relationship free of these obsessional and violent ideas.
In my opinion, psychotherapy with a well trained clinical psychologist or licensed clinical social worker who is aware of and sensitive to childhood trauma issues as well as obsessive compulsive disorders and sexual trauma, would be the best approach. You could start with the counseling department in the health center at your school and get a private referral from there.
You are young and deserve every opportunity to live a full and gratifying personal, romantic and sexual life. Get started on getting help and I want to wish you the very, very best.
Best of Luck