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Wanting Intimacy

Question:

My husband went on a weekend fishing trip with a friend. The friend called his wife to tell her that they had arrived safely and to call me and let me know also. I spoke to the wife the next day, and she told me this and that she had spoken to her husband earlier that morning also. Before they left on their trip, I was told that his cell phone would not work up there. I am hurt that my husband did not phone me. Am I being insecure or immature in feeling this way? (This is not the first time.)

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

Let’s not judge your hurt. You probably felt jealous when your husband’s friend was more thoughtful about his relationship than your husband was about yours. And why not? It’s nice to be remembered and to be wanted, and a telephone call is evidence of that thoughtfulness. Would I be mistaken that you are wanting more thoughtful attention from your husband, that you would like more demonstrations of his affection and caring for you? If this is so, consider talking to him about it directly. Do this by talking about how you feel and what would make you happy (and not what he has done wrong). He may get defensive, but keep at it in an assertive, respectful way. Listen carefully to what he has to say too. He needs to hear what you would like from him, just as you need to hear what he would like from you. He may care about you but be clueless about what would please you. He may understand what would please you but not really think about it that much. Your reminding him may raise his level of thought to where it occurs to him to act thoughtfully towards you in the future.

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