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Wanting That Magic Back

Question:

I have been married for almost two years. I love my husband very much, and we are working through lots of our problems. One problem I have is that I have some unresolved feeling for another person that I never got to “try on” before I got married. An unrequited love of sorts, although this other person has admitting regret of not having a go with me, too. Since I am not open to the possibility of cheating or breaking up my marriage, what are some effective ways of dealing with these feelings? I don’t feel the same way about my husband as I do this other person. My husband I love in a very practical and real way, where this other person is fanciful, magical, and probably just a fantasy. I do not feel special or magical around my husband, but I do around this other person. My husband has neglected recognizing how important having these types of romantic feelings is to me, which is why I think that I have started thinking about this other person again. These feelings of romance and love are ones I wish to have with my husband but I don’t know how to achieve that. I need to get over these feelings myself before I can expect anything to improve with my husband. I have tried to tell my husband what I need but he just gets mad at me. Any advice?

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Answer:

You have a true marital problem here. This is not something that you are doing wrong. Your need for romance is very legitimate and your husband, for whatever reason is not responding to you in a way that can allow these feelings to be connected to him. Because your needs are not being met, your marriage is in crisis and your need has become attached to this other man. In my view, your husband has a responsibility to at least work towards providing for your basic emotional needs just as you have this same responsibility towards him. To the extent that he won’t work with you in getting your needs met, your marriage is in jeopardy. I’m so glad to hear that you don’t consider having an affair an option. I truly believe that having an affair would only make matters worse than they currently are. Ask your husband to see a marriage counselor with you and then the both of you go. You need to explore this problem with him in a safe environment where neither of you can beat up on or ignore the other. I’ll bet that there are small things you each could do for the other that would dramatically change how you each feel about and treat the other.

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