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What Does He Have To Pay? And What Not?

Question:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over half a year now, in a long distance relationship. We live it pretty well, considering the fact that we see each other only twice a month. The feelings are there, strong, stable and we are ok with the situation. He seems like the perfect boyfriend. I’d say he actually is… except for when it comes to money.

I know we are both students at university and neither of us two has his own job but I have to pay for my own flight tickets (doing baby sittings etc) and all the stuff that involves the relationship.  My parents don’t want to pay any of that.

Now that I’m going to visit him, he tells me that the residence he lives in makes the visitors pay 20€/night to stay there. He has not even suggested to pay half of it. I don’t really know what to think or what to do. Is it just that he hasn’t even thought about the possibility of us paying it together? I find it a very ugly token gesture…

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Answer:

Two of the biggest issues that couples face are sex and money. For a variety of reasons many couples find it difficult to engage is discussion about either of those challenges yet they are each deeply important. Therefore, I am suggesting to you that you discuss with your boyfriend sharing the costs of the visit because you do not have enough money to cover the expenses connected with staying at his dorm.

However, the problems is a little more complex that simply asking him to share the expense with you. Your E. Mail suggests to me that you are feeling angry or annoyed with him for not suggesting his sharing the expense. This is also a common problem for couples. Some people make the mistake of believing that their lover, partner, spouse, should think of things without having to be asked. I have no way of knowing whether your boyfriend thought of sharing the expense with you or not and neither do you. Nevertheless, it should make no difference because it is necessary for each member of a dyad to bring these questions out into the open and state what they would like or state what the problem is.

Let me clarify that, by urging you to discuss this issue with him I am in no way implying that you should argue with him. Each of us is different and each of us thinks of issues or not, depending on what is going on in their lives at a particular time. That is why it is incumbent on each of us to bring questions out into the open instead of getting angry. I have heard from too many wives that, “He should have thought of doing It,” whatever It happens to be. Problem is it doesn’t work that way. We are not mind readers and we are not perfect. All of us are capable of failing to think of doing something just because we are human.

So, talk to him calmly, warmly and lovingly and find a solution together.

Best of Luck

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