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What Is Wrong With Me? I Don't Care Anymore...

Question:

My Life SUX! I’m a 36 year old woman, unmarried, without children. I Don’t enjoy anything.I Don’t look forward to anything. Recently, I just got a new job. It’s a good job (pay, benefits, incentives, worthwhile). I’m now starting to find fault with it( coworker jealously, backbiting, cliques). I quit my previous job because, I was burnt-out. The previous job was back breaking, the pay paltry, and it was’nt meaningful. Yet, I felt the coworkers were cohesive. I felt some support. I now don’t have any… It’s hard especially when I come home and find there’s no one to talk to. My boyfriend offers no support. In my previous employment I had “doable” hours. Our hours coincided where we could spend time together. I had time to make arrangements for our dates(meal, entertainment,etc.) Now our(myboyfriend&I) work schedules are different. He wants to get together during the same times that we used to, regardless, of the effect on my time. I want us to come to a middle ground. I work on weekends he does not. So, I was figurin’ we could spend some weeknights and some weekends together. He does’nt want to sacrifice. That’s selfish to me. I’m starting to lose interest. I don’t care anymore. The people, with whom, I’ve tried to make friends with only seem interested when it benefits them. The same goes for my family. The holidays don’t excite me. I plan to work for the holidays, to avoid the holiday “phonies.” Every Christmas, I go broke, buying gifts for people who don’t appreciate them. I’ve had other men approach me. I’ve considered their advances, considering my current situation. It’s soothes my ego to know they’re interested. But, I don’t do anything. Maybe I’m a one guy gal. Maybe, I just want to maintain the status quo. Maybe, I don’t trust anyone since I’ve been hurt. Maybe, I don’t care.

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Answer:

I read your letter and several things jump out at me. The first thing is that you appear to be depressed. Well – duh! you are probably thinking to yourself, “I didn’t need you to tell me that”. That’s okay if you are thinking that way, however, becuase that brings me to my next point, which is that you seem to be coping with your depression by acting like you don’t care, when it is obvious that you really do care. You don’t actually use the phrase in your letter, but I can just hear you saying “What-ever!”, and that word and attitude might sum up how you feel. But really, you wouldn’t write this letter if you were actually jaded and uncaring about the quality of your life. So – there is a disconnect between how you are thinking and feeling, maybe. The third thing I notice is that you’ve recently been through a lot of significant life changes which have forced you to rearrange your schedules and this is causing further tension in your life like a bunch of falling dominoes. You’re mourning the loss of the peer group at your former work, even as you are glad to be away from that “backbreaking” work. The new place seems like it should be a better environment for you, but it is also cold and you haven’t made new friends yet – you’re feeling unsupported and lonely and not just in your work environment. You’re also finding that the other people in your life – people you might have thought you could count on to care about you – are hesitating to meet you in the middle when you need them to do that. This is a stressful time in your life and you are reacting to that stress with depression and a cynical pose, is my best take on the matter. The question in my mind is, “how well is that pose working for you?”

You need support in your life, and if you cannot get support from your boyfriend, other friends and family, then get it in a different manner. Make an appointment with a professional therapist for some counseling. A counselor or therapist should be able to provide you with a safe and understanding place where you can let your guard down and vent and cry. Some counselors will also be able to help you cope better with your depression feelings and thoughts. The best current styles of psychotherapy for depression are known as “cognitive-behavioral therapy” and “interpersonal therapy”, so be sure and ask for those by name. If your counselor doesn’t know what those terms mean, find another counselor.

Another way to get yourself some support is to consult your regular doctor, describe your stress and ask whether some antidepressant medication might be in order. Such medication can truly be helpful, but it also comes with side effects, including sexual side effects – it can become harder to have an orgasum – so you may want to think a little before you go in that direction.

I’ll recommend vigorous exercise as a good balm for your flagging mood too. Studies show that regular vigorous exercise has a prounounced antidepressant effect, and it is good for you too and side-effect free.

The relationship you’re in is changing (or not changing as the case may be) and that is a source of stress. Relationships are living things that cannot be taken for granted. If your needs are changing and your boyfriend isn’t willing to meet you in the middle with regard to those changing needs, that may be a sign that the relationship is in trouble. When you are ready, you’ll need to address this possibility. There are several ways to go with regard to this process, but all of them involve communication. You need to assertively communicate to your boyfriend that he has to meet you in the middle – has to help you out with this change you’re going through – or there will be consequences. Before you deliver this communication – which is not an ultimatum, mind you – you first need to feel more confident than you do. It will come out passively if you say it when you are feeling down, and it will come out aggressively if you say it when you are angry. You need to get clear on the fact that you do not need this man to survive, but you might prefer to be with him if that is possible before you can talk with him constructively. Couples counseling may be helpful to both of you in talking about this matter if you both are of a mind to engage in that sort of thing.

Anyway – those are my thoughts about your predicament. The one guarentee in life is that things will change. Things are changing for you now, and you have to find a way to surf on top of the waves of change, becuase the alternative is to fall into the “water” and risk “drowning” (e.g., feeling depressed and paralyzed). Mental Help Net has some good material that might help you as you practice your surfing skills. This section of the Psychological Self-Tools self-help book talks about assertive communication. This Emotional Resiliance topic center talks about how people can learn to become more relisiant in the face of change. Good luck!!

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    im 12 and i just cant take it any more i dont care any more and i get frutrated all the time i need help dont know how to get it because its too much what do i need to do

  • Anonymous-2

    medication has helped me tremendously. unfortunately, it doesn't make life any easier with an adhd teenager.. i'm at the end of my rope. i hate to admit it but i oftn times want to send her away somewhere just to have peace in our home.

  • mandi

    Dearest 12 year old, what can you not handle right now? Be strong, you have a whole great life in front of you, if that is the path you choose to take. Smile.

  • Anonymous-3

    i was in a bad relationship for almost 3 years, he was very abusive and lied to me all the time. i want to know what i need to do to stop the hurt. i am a professional and know what he did was wrong and i know i should of got out when he hit me the first time i know all the reasons for leaving him, but my self esteem is shot and i feel helpless and want to cry all the time, but dont. i have cried enough in my thoughts in the last three years. i am mad at the fact he didnt care for me like i cared for him and i hate him for that. i dont understand how someone who claims to love you and doesnt want to lose you doest things to make you leave him. when does it go away.

  • V. Jones

    Generally, I'd agree with Anne, for what it's worth, but I comppletely disagree with Anne that cognitive behavioural therapy is (one of) the best therapies for depression (I forget her exact wording). My personal experience of numerous kinds of therapy for depression has been that 1) CBT was really very poor (its underlying premise is "happy people do this, therefore these behaviour patterns make people happy", which is too simplistic, even patronizing and depressing when it fails) and that Gestalt therapy was much better: i got better results in 6 months with Gestalt than in years with CBT and psychodynamic/psychoanalytic. It also depends a lot on the therapist- I'd go with a therapist with a good reputation rather than asking for CBT by name. Although CBT gets a lot of publicity (and is the basis of most self-help books), psychologists are more ambivlaent and uncertain about the "best" therapies.

    Antidepressants really helped me- for all the horror stories about people getting addicted, the vast majority of people who take them find them helpful.

    Also I know several people who've found daily meditation helped enormously with the stress associated with day to day life but particularly around stressful events like you've had. There are lots of good books on it.

    Hope this helps,

    Good Luck,

  • DSh

    No one should be tricked into thinking true happiness exists on earth. I'm sure Anne herself spends a great portion of her life questioning her value, worried about tomorrow, and wondering what it all means. That is human nature. God planned it this way.

    The only true happiness you will find on earth is love and wisdom and hope and charity. And I'm not talking romantic love. Romantic love is a LIE. It's a chemical in the brain. I'm talking about COMMITTED love. Love of God. Love of country. Love of others. Love of self.

    How do you love yourself? First you have to love God and allow God to love you in return. That's where it all starts. You can find complete fullfillment in God if you open your heart and allow the Hopy Spirit to guide your life.

    Start reading Bible scripture. The world will begin to make sense, as will your place in it. Soon you will be asking NOT how can the world serve me, but how can I serve the world?

    Personal happiness is a lie perpetrated by unhappy people. Do not believe it

    Reach for God. He'll be there.

  • Henry

    In reponse to the 2nd poster...It's nice that you found god and everything and that it makes you feel your life has meaning.

    But for some of us, that won't work..

    The thing is, and i'm not trying to be provocative here, I've thought very carefully about the whole religion thing, and really, honestly... it is complete baloney.

    But maybe that doesn't matter..I'm sure I would be happy if I had some beliefs..some cause...some (lets be frank) insanity, that made me feel that my life was important in some way. Maybe people who believe something that makes them happy are "correct", regardless of whether the thing they believe in is "true" in reality.

    How can I switch off my logical brain and find something to believe in??

  • Dave

    Well, done, I think your self observations are brilliant and you are starting to make a major breakthrough. Don't let anyone tell you this is depression and to pop a pill, rest with the feelings you have and reflect upon them - that's how we develop self knowledge. you are breaking through all the false crap in the society you live in and coming into a greater truth, but you can't get there unless your willing to go through the process you have already begun, well done and i urge you to continue.

  • stalkedbycarrie

    dsH, Oh please!! Give me a break with your "read the bible" bullshit. Just go away. You are not helping with your lame platitudes.

  • Very Down Up North

    I feel alone and sad and defeated and hurt and alienated and used and neglected.

    Job issues: My career field disappeared with the economy several years ago. Best I have done is part time for poverty wages since then. Have tried changing careers, nobody will even interview me (hundreds of resumes and calls), trying to finish college part time while working part time but at 50 years old it is been slow and difficult. Now getting close but the degree is in a field that really isn't hiring (most fields aren't hiring) but at least I'll have the piece of paper. Also started up a new company two years ago and it is going under because of the economy even though everyone loves the product but can't afford it.

    Family issues: My youngest child just moved out so I'm suddenly an empty nester. I emptied my savings gettting my elderly grandmother into my Dad's house with him as guardian. I was taking care of her when I discovered a non relative family "friend" was stealing her savings. Only way to get rid of him because she "loves and cares for" him was to have Dad made her guardian. Now Dad's wife (my stepmother) has decided her life is such hell taking care of my poor grandmother (grandmother pays for aids to help take care of her) so I can't come to Dad's house to visit because it is too much commotion for my stepmother... so I cannot see my grandmother - my closest and dearest relative. My husband is good to me but he just sort of pops by and says hi... then goes up to his office for 8 hours. Now I just lay on the sofa all day. My Mom and sister pretend to love and care about me but they only call when they want something from me... an ear... advice... but when I call them or email they are too busy to answer until the next time they need something from me. I have no close friends, only acquaintances who say polite things. I don't know how to be close to anyone.

    Me: I have become overweight and have started drinking out of boredom. I try to exercise but it is difficult because I have rheumatoid arthritis and it hurts to exercise plus it is boring. Everything is so boring. I did buy a Richard Simmons work out DVD set that will come this week. Maybe it will be fun.

    I don't like anything. I don't want to do anything. I am just going through motions and spending most of every day laying on the sofa surfing the net or sleeping. I feel like crying all the time but it won't change anything.

    I am trapped and I am a loser.

  • fran

    I found this out myself.
    I figured that i was depressed, so when i put on my music and though ''RIGHT then shitty world, F*** you!''
    So that's what i decided to do. Just think fook it, nobody cares, eff it all! You'r maybe going through depression... But if you stop caring then thats the key, get on with your work & f*** it all. Ha.

  • Gary Pritchard

    Having read the comments regarding depression.......my 1st comment would be that if you suffer from it you don't know it....that is fundamental. You have to rely on friends/family and the medical profession to recognize/diagnose it. As a sufferer you go on relentlessly.......debts pile up and complex response answers go unanswered..........wonder why? Banks/lenders don't really care what situation you are in....they're answers/responses are produced automatically by they're sad computer systems. The usual treatment for depression is anti-depressants.....they vary in strength and effectiveness.......I personally gave mine up 4 days ago...not as recommended by my doctor.....just felt honestly that they weren't helping anymore. Depression is horribly hard to understand. What we must do is listen/learn....try to understand and talk LOUDLY!! Hope this helps from a fellow sufferer who is still trying to cope!! LOL

  • optimist

    Its simple really. F&^k it. Thats it.

    you are on the right lines, life really is a pointless load of sh%t. Trick is to say f£$k it and still be happy.

    People like to slap names on the 'condition' but its all just a load of s$%t. No one knows anything about anything. Don't take antidepressants.

    F$%k it and smile. And get on with your life and your job, remembering you are lucky to have both.

    Or, just ignore me, as I too don't know anything about anything. Whatever.

  • Tony

    Nobody thinks for you. You create your own reality in this world. The point of life is to live in any which way possible. People, like me, suffer from depression because we feel things are missing and not completed. Go out and do whatever it is that makes you feel great. Work to home to work isn't a life. That's not what we were made to do. Get out there girl and keep your head up, your great.

  • cat

    Depression is defined as irrational low mood Your low mood is not irrational your life stinks - so get shot of the boyfriend for a start and then work on the job issue once you have your time to yourself.

  • Anonymous-4

    Start up a cardiovascular exercise program. Start very slowly and very gradually, and begin to increase the duration. Once you are strongly disliking the activity during the exercise period, quit for that day. Never make yourself dislike a workout! You will gradually increase the duration and you will begin to actually look forward to this time. You will begin to lose weight, tone up, and you will find a true elevation in your spirits. You will overcome your depression this way if you stay at it, I promise. You will do this with no pills (or side effects) and no shrink. And you will have an activity you can look forward to the rest of your life. Some examples are walking, running, biking, elliptical, treadmill, and swimming and/or treading water. Note there are several low-impact alternatives here so there really is no excuse not to begin because of arthritis or an injury. This is the answer!

  • Rachel

    If you don't care about your life anymore, that's okay the way I see it. I don't either. I'm 28 and my life is sh*t, although I realize it's my own fault. And I could care less. I'm basically just living day to day. All I want is to work a menial job to have the few things that make me happy and that's it. I have no desire to do anything important or be anything important. It makes no difference in the end. Have a nice day.

  • the knowlge

    Frist of all what i'v been reading so far is your totally hopeless. look your boyfriend doesnt care about you , let him go. he doesnt care about your feelings and i promise you he is totally selfish. i been thier when i have no positive ,i think God trying to tell u something let go that go of your boyfriend of yours. and notheir thing is unfortuntly we cant pick out our family but that doesnt mean you have to become a anti social person. it just make it 10 times worse belive me. frist thing you need to do is stop, and do you . star taking care of yourself. go to the park or gym , the salon. focuse on UUUUU. and start feeling better. it will take time but it will work. also depression can come trying to be perfect having it all. But life isnt perfect. Once you start doing you geting out puting your self frist thing will start chaning . once your little boyfriend see you not paying any attention to him and you dont care if he comes around or not , if he truly cares or love u in anyway . he will strat chaning , if not then he wasnt for u anyways. also antidepressent are only good for a while , then they strat rubing off u have strat uping the doses frist month .25 mg then 1mg the next thing u know u have had 5 different med it still doesnt help. look u are depressed because their something that ant right u feel empty and sad u need to work on that and stop leting it pass . be selfish do uuuuu frist .

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