I’ve been seeing a married man for two years now. The first year we went to lunch every day and enjoyed each other’s company. I fell in love with him within months and told him apologetically. He kept saying he was sorry but he’d been married 27 years and loved his wife. We did not touch each other for a year and continued to lunch. I was married 24 years and decided to divorce my husband due to the strong feelings that I had for my friend. We are still seeing each other and have gotten very physical. He says his wife never gives him sex and she does not work on her looks either. She does however own a company and makes all of their money which is tied up in a ranch, house, cattle, etc… What should I do? I feel that I am ruining his life due to my inappropriate behavior. We are definitely in love with one another and don’t know what to do.
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
There was a time when society was governed by certain unwritten rules of behavior with regard to marriage and extra marital affairs. One of the factors that governs life today is that many of the old certainties are replaced with uncertaintly, leaving people unsure as to what they Should do. In point of fact, it is equally difficult for people to decide what they want to do.
There is no easy answer for you and your friend. For one thing, life always invovles choices. Choice, by its very nature, demands that, in opting for one thing, other things are given up forever. Therefore, your friend must make a choice between the ranch and money his wife owns and the type of life you and he, together, can offer one another.
It appears that you have already made your choice in leaving your marriage in the hope that you and your friend can transition into a permanent relationship. Of course, you did that with no guarantee that he will do the same. It is entirely possible that, in the end, you will have neither your marriage nor your friend.
I believe that you know what you want to do and have already done a lot in divorcing your husband.
However, this does not mean that your friend knows what he wants to do. That puts you in a very difficult situation. You would not be the first person who made their choices only to discover that their lover cannot or does not want to follow along.
The two of you need to keep taling to one another but you must be very patient with him.