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Why Do You Think My Boyfriend Left Our Relationship In This Manner?

Question:

I have been in a serious and monogamous realationship with a man for 7 months. Despite a few fights here and there, we got along great! Our personal values were the same. We would spend all of our free time together always touching and never ran out of things to say. We wanted to marry next year after putting a year and a half into dating. We also spoke of having a child in 5 years. We lived in an area where there are no jobs and the average pay of a job, if you are lucky to get one, is minimum wage.

After losing a job he suddenly decided to move across the country to live with a good friend. I was upset. He told me that he was going to go there and find a job and since he was practically living rent free he would save money, get us a place, and then he would fly me out there. He told me that he would take care of everything so whenever i came out there I wouldn’t have to stress-out trying to find a job and I could just take my time and be able to relax. He even took a blanket that I would sleep under just to remind him of me.

Always confessing his love, I thought that my boyfriend was a really sweet guy. After arriving in the new state I received a few loving and promising emails but it seemed he didn’t really want to call. We set-up a foundation on how we could successfully maintain our relationship long distance. I told him that I thought we should speak twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening and he agreed with that and threw out some times slots which we both agreed upon. The next day, when we were to start our call schedule, he didn’t call, so I waited until the evening and still no call, so I called him.

During that call he was out and about seeing the new town and was very vague and seemed distant. He indicated that he didn’t like how this whole long distance relationship was going to work because he missed me too much. He also indicated that he couldn’t talk that much because he had a certain amount of minutes that he had to work with. That was totally understandable but I’m in his “circle” on his phone plan and he should always have free calls with me. I even think that he pulled the, “my battery is going dead,” line to end the conversation and take it online with instant messaging.

I was beginning to see the picture at this point. So, this sweet man who adored me and wanted to seriously commit, changed within a matter of hours or days and became distant and non committed. He then broke up with me via Facebook 4 days after moving.

Why do you think he did this? What could cause such a quick change in someone? Thanks for your time.

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Answer:

Please understand that I can only speculate about what motivated your boyfriend to end the relationship with you. However, I will point out some very general types of things that could have been at work.

You are presenting an all too common problem in the world today. That problem is the apparent inability or unwillingness of many people to commit to a permanent relationship.

There are many theories as to why commitment seems to be so elusive today. One of them is that many people, having come from homes where bitter divorces occurred, are fearful of repeating the mistakes made by their parents. They are jaded by the conflict and disorder they lived with while growing up.

Another theory is that there is so much emphasis on sex without relationship, the “one night stand,” type of thing that people miss the deeper meanings of sex within the context of real intimacy. Another way of saying this is that sex is no different than possessing other material and luxury items such as cars, computers and houses. It has been speculated that this is why so many people who come to psychotherapy report feeling empty inside. All the material things they collected, including sexual encounters, have done nothing for them. Pleasure is fleeting, at best, and, as a result, they come to believe their lives have no meaning.

Need I point out to you that the way he broke up with you was incredibly shallow and insensitive? Posting a note on Facebook is not the way a real person who has deep feelings ends a relationship that was supposed to be of such importance. In fact, even his decision to move, which you describe as sudden, was incredibly shallow. Do I sound judgemental? Well, perhaps.

I can only suggest to you that you are fortunate that you learned what this man was “made of” before you got deeper in and even married him, although I tend to doubt marriage would have happened.

Count yourself lucky that you found out his superficiality in time. Now, you can move on. With the next man you find, wait before you make plans about marriage and children. Seven months is not enough time for two people to make this type of intimate commitment. Of course, relationships are always risky business. Nevertheless, you and the next person, can maximize you probability of success by going slowly and getting to really know each other.

Best of Luck

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