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Question:

I’m a young man, just 20 years old, but I feel so down sometimes and I’m not sure why. As far as I know I am an attractive guy, I’ve been with alot of attractive girls, girls that none of my friends could ever get with. I’ve had many relationships, good and bad, and when I actually try to get a girl I usually can. I feel like I don’t have any friends. If I never called anyone, my phone would never be used. None of my “friends” ever call me, and they go out together and party and hangout with girls and don’t consider calling me. One of my friends claimed he didn’t invite me to a party because he was afraid all the girls would flock to me, but I really doubt that. The most recent party I went to was horrible. I showed up and knew about half the people there, but no one was interested in talking to me or introducing their self. If I didn’t go up and talk to the people I actually knew then the people there probably wouldn’t even have noticed my pressence. After being there for an hour I ended up walking around pretending like I was on my cell phone because no one would talk to me. I recognized a few girls there, ones I have kissed and done other things with, but they didn’t even say hi. I thought it might be because when I was “with them” I broke it off after I got what I wanted. I am really lonely. I went on a date with a young, attractive girl, but she didn’t interest me. I think it was because she was kind of stupid. I just got out of a relationship before that. The girl I was with was really into me. I stayed with her everynight, all my friends thought she was very attractive and cool, but I don’t find her very attractive. I am still kind of obsessed with a 2 of my ex-girlfriends. I find myself thinking of them at least once a day, which worries me because its been years since we dated. I don’t understand my life at all. Why do none of my friends ever call me or want to hang out? Why is it that everytime I go out, girls don’t seem to pay attention to me? I talk to girls with respect, and I never try to get into their pants, unless we’ve been dating. I wonder if my reputation has anything to do with it. Most people in my social circle know I’ve been with alot of girls, could that be a reason why none of them seem interested? How could a girl I’ve never met know about that though? I’m different around certain girls. I sometimes have full confidence and charm. I’m witty, quick and I usually get the girl to like me and go out with me. Then other times I’m quite and stand-off-ish and I have no confidence at all.

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Answer:

It is very clear that you are in a great deal of pain and that comes through loud and clear. I am going to try to be honest with you but I hope you do not feel too confronted by what follows. In my opinion, you need a lot of help to understand your self, your behavior and other people and how to relate to them. Right now, you feel isolated, confused, lonely and very hurt. So, here I go and I hope this helps:

Indeed, you are very young and there is a lot you do not know about people and how they function. For example, you report that, when you recently went to a party, there were girls there, whom you had dated, but did not speak to you because, after you got what you wanted from them, you “broke it off.” Yes, that is possible. There is another possibility. That other possibility is they got what they wanted from you and had no further use for you. Remember, girls can exploit boys as much as boys can exploit girls.

From what you describe, all of your relationships with males and females are very superficial. Except for a very few instances, you briefly date a girl and end the relationship without knowing anything more about the person. With male “friends,” you go to parties to pick up girls and that is about all there is, at least, that is how it appears from your description. There, too, the friendships seem superficial.

With regard to male friends who do not invite you or even call you, I have no doubt at all, that they avoid you because you are perceived as a rival for the attention of females. In other words, they would rather not have you around because you are viewed as unfriendly competition. There is even a tone of boasting in the way you describe yourself getting the most attractive girls that none of your friends could get. Well, what do you expect? Your buddies sense your attitude and do not really view you as a real friend, at least, this is my guess.

In addition, I have noticed in your description, that girls do not call you. I am not referring to “girlfriends” but to “girls who are friends.” In sum, no one calls you. I want to suggest to you the very real fact that girls can be really good buddies for you to have. In fact, if you could develop some real friendships with girls, perhaps they could teach you some important things about friendships, women and even about men.

To get to the “bottom line, my guess is that you are working hard to avoid closeness to peope, male or female. You seem to reject the females who are into you while wanting those who are not. In other words, you may fear intimacy. While I have no idea why you might fear closeness and intimacy, I can put forward a couple of possibilities. You may fear:

1. being exploited by people if they get too close to you.

2. that people will not like you if they get to know the real you.

3. view women as objects for exploitation.

4. other males because you see them as rivals.

There are other possibilities. 

I want to very much urge you to go into psychotherapy so that you can learn more about yourself, other people and how to develop real, deep, lasting and satisfying relationships with people.  

Clearly, you want friendships, warmth, love and acceptance but do not know how to go about getting those things. Do not despair but please go to therapy.

I want to wish you the very best of luck.

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