Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Ad Info & Options

Worthless

Question:

I have been involved with an older man for more than 20 years. It all started when I was 16 years old. Now he moved in with a younger woman.  Even though I don’t want him anymore, I am sad, and I wish things were different.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

I do not know how much older than you this older man is but, I am guessing, it is old enough so that when you were sixteen he was breaking the law. In most states, having sex with a sixteen year old girl is statutory rape.

Sure enough and twenty years later, he has connected up with another younger woman. I cannot help but ask myself if she is sixteen or older? Hmmm.

However, the question of the age of the new girl friend is neither here or there for you. You are feeling very sad even though you no longer wanted this man. There are several reasons for this sadness.

1. As a general rule, people feel more empowered when they make and carry out the decision to leave their lover. Despite all, it feels like an abandonment to be the one who was left behind. Usually, being the one who is left often feels more like a rejection and an injury regardless of how awful the relationship was. It’s a part of human emotions that makes no sense. You need to remind yourself that you no longer wanted him and that you are better off without him.

2. You probably believe that this younger woman is more attractive and desirable than you. After all, the title you chose for your E. Mail question is “worthless.” However, you are far from worthless and I know that you underestimate yourself.

3. Like many people, perhaps you equate sex with love. Sex and love are two different things. When people love each other, they stay together through the years of aging. They do not reject one another because of age or because of skin deep “beauty.”

A very good woman friend of mine, who, unfortunately died many years ago, said of men who prefer younger woman, “They forget that young gals will become old gals.” It is very true. For some reason that has to do with his own problems, your ex wants the woman who will forever be young. Well, no such thing exists.

If I do my arithmetic correctly, you are approximately 36 years old. That means that you remain a young woman who can marry the right man. The right man is someone who will value and love you for the person you are. In such a loving relationship, you can contemplate having children, a real family. In other words, you have your whole life ahead of you.

I don’t know if you work or what kind of work you do, but, you can return to school and become what you may wish to be. Worthless? No! There are so very many things you can do. Think about it! Now, you are free.

Because you have your entire life ahead of you, I want to urge you to find a good psychotherapist and get help. To be specific, you need help in learning to value the real person who you are, with your own mind, talents and skills.

Live your life fully.

Best of Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand