Introduction To Anger Management

  1. Healthy Expression of Anger
  2. Effects of Anger
  3. What You'll Find in This Section

The Experience of Anger

Anger is a fundamental emotion that everyone experiences from time to time.

From a very early age, people learn to express anger by copying the angry behavior they see modeled around them, and by expressing angry behavior and seeing what they can get away with.

The Experience of Anger

As our culture has an uneasy relationship with anger expression, many people are brought up to think that it is inappropriate to express anger directly; that it must not be tolerated; that it is always dangerous. Such people learn to distrust anger, to bottle it up and ignore it, to express it only in indirect ways or to use it as a weapon.

Healthy Expression of Anger

The idea that anger is dangerous is not without merit. Angry people are capable of great violence. However, while anger can certainly be abused, it is more than a simple destructive force.

Anger is also a critically important part of what might be called the self-preservation and self-defense instincts. People who are incapable of getting angry are also incapable of standing up for themselves. It is important then that people learn how to express anger appropriately. People need to learn healthy and socially respectful ways to express angry feelings, and to not to let anger get out of control to the point where it negatively affects relationships, employability and health.

  • If you are reading this document, there is a good chance that you (or someone you care about) have an anger problem. An anger problem exists when people become dependent on anger as a primary means of expressing themselves; when they inappropriately use anger or the threat of violence as a weapon to get their way.

Effects of Anger

Inappropriate and uncontrolled anger is harmful for both targets of anger and the angry person as well. Inappropriate anger destroys relationships, makes it difficult to hold down a job, and takes a heavy toll on angry people's physical and emotional health.

Help for anger problems exists in the form of anger management programs which are coordinated interventions designed to help angry people learn and practice methods of bringing their anger under control.


What You'll Find in This Sectionpointing fingers

This section reviews what is known about anger and anger management.

  • It starts with a discussion of the nature of anger and anger's effects on people's social, emotional and physical welfare.
  • Reasons and motivations for pursuing anger management are discussed, and then specific techniques used in anger management courses are described.
  • The document concludes by describing ways motivated people can use anger management techniques to learn to control their anger so as to protect their health, promote the quality of their relationships and become more socially effective.
Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    Anger is usually a stronger emotional disorder envolved when someone has a problem, or a mental problem. How can you tell when someone needs anger management?

  • Anonymous-2

    Anger is a natural emotion, as the article indicates. I would suggest that a person can benefit from learning anger management skills when his or her anger interferes with ordinary life. If I occasionally become frustrated and speak to my family or co-workers a bit more sharply than I'd like, there's probably no serious problem. If I go into rages, alienate people, break things, or even assault people, then it's definitely time to seek professional help. Anger expressed in these ways is causing harm to myself and to others.

  • chaitanya

    "People who are incapable of getting angry are also incapable of standing up for themselves"

    This is very distressing, i am incapable of expressing anger but to be told i am incapable of standing up for myself, phew....thats a revelation. help..

  • arman

    hi

    i think power (in all cases) detemine . problem solving with power of mind has boundaries and power (much money) can tell what can i do .

    i want to change my job but it isnt possible.yes ! it is imaginative and i want to live in reality.

    thanks

  • Carl in St. Pete

    I'm very slow, I think, to express anger over some situations. But when I do, all hell brakes loose. Then it's I who looks the fool and the initial problem is ignored- only my reaction is remembered. Yet, often, it gets things done for me. It just leaves me with fewer and fewer friends. They just don't want to get near me to provoke such a reaction.  That's the danger in anger. I don't know how to vent slowly.

  • Anonymous-3

    um yeah im a easily angered person sometimes i want to beat the hell uy of some people but love is the only thing keeping me in line with wha society wants from me to walk around on pins and needles. sometimes someone just needs there ass kicked

  • Anonymous-4

    I've always been a feisty little thing, always ready to protect my friends, bubbly, sociable, happy to live. All my family have something to do with arts, both my parents have been ballet dancers so you can immagine, i never had a problem IN knowing how 2 express my feelings & emotions, now I'm 29 and even if i have no specific reason, my whole carachter is changing, in worse.....even the tiniest thing can make me go mad, the people around me tell me that they don't recognize me anymore...just a month ago i managed to break my hand punching the wall...i won't lose my temper unless something or somebody triggers that specific button...i have terrible mood swings and I don't know what to do anymore, it's consuming my energy so badly...I really can't stand this new me..the wrong word, a wrong look, a person being unpolite or rude can turn me into a BEAST.....AND BELIEVE ME THIS BEAST IS KILLING ME. tHANX 4 LISTENING.

  • Anonymous-5

    Is yelling at your kids everyday all the time normal? No it is not. I feel keyed up all the time. I am an abuser. I yell and then feel horrible everytime. I know it is wrong to yell and shout. But, I can not control it. I guess it truely is an addiction.

  • Eric

    Growing up I learned a bad habbit from my father. I learned and started becoming what I saw. The littlest thing would make him so mad. He would yell and swear. As of late I find myself a mirror image of him. The minute frustration sets in I cant deal. I hit things, I punch thing, and hurt myself. I've never hurt a person physically, but I have seen the affects of what my anger does. I had a girl friend that I adored. I had so many great times. When there was disagreement I'd find myself getting stressed and frustrated. The stress never left. I'd try bottling it up inside and letting it rest, but it never did. I'd try to work and something would go wrong or I'd run short on time and I'd snap. Swearing throwing things. I dont want to be this person. I dont want people to think I'm a "loose cannon" or "hot head". My way of dealing with anger and stress is going to make me cold and alone someday. I don't want that to happen

  • Andrea

    I've been married for over 10 yrs to someone who is angry. When I first encountered it we hadn't been married long. I didn't know what to do. I had not been raised in a family where you'd scream and call the other person names. So I started avoiding potential angry situations. I started having my family avoid angry situations "He won't like that. We need to do something else". I became "co-dependent", I stuck my "head in the sand". Now I look at the time past and my childern who are beginning to handle anger like their father and I have to do something. He won't get help "no more counseling" he says...

    I think by going to this site is the first step in admitting you have a problem. There are good counselors out there that can guide you through this journey. Life is a journey. Listen to what it tells you. Do something different for yourself and it will change the world around you. I pray we all find peace.

  • Anonymous-6

    i am so sick and tired of being angry. its ruining my relationship. i am out of contol emotionally. i have made efforts to look at myself and the selfishness that pervades my being and i feel like i am getting worse. i am getting depressed from the way i act, the things i say and dont mean. i am ready to give up. only gods grace and my complete surrender to Her will help me. and i have even tried that. it boils down to self-centeredness for me and i wish i could just switch it off. thanks for listening.

  • jaytee

    We have been married for 20years. I had 2 role models, my father who took charge of my family and there was no argument with him. The other weaned from reading that I should always give in to my wife and be the one taking long walks. I took that approach. Over the years, she has become a " I want to win every argument, I want the last word, I will not give up until you completely submit". It is a family trait and she has a sib with similar personality- they have argued to the point where they do not talk. We have 2 children, I led the way to look for ways of avoiding situations that angered my wife, but gradually I ran out of methods of avoiding her wrath. I have suggested religion, mental health, family therapy, medications, learning about the illnees to no avail- the answer is that it is always my fault, the children's fault and everyone's fault but her own. I am a logical person, highly qualified in the medical field. The obvious solution is to walk out, but I just cannot do it.

    To get her away from the children, I asked her to work with me, now even the car ride to work and back are the most stressful 45minutes where I have to watch every sentence. It is impossible sometimes to predict which word I say will provoke a loss of temper from her. I constantly rehearse the things I want to say, to try and predict if it will trigger her. Most of the time, I say nothing.

    My conclusion is that I made the early mistake of letting the situation deteriorate to this point. I should have taken my father's route- be firm and take the pain at the beginning and perhaps things might change. Even then I am not sure, the determination of my wife to take on a fight is very strong. She has not spoken to her many relatives for years as a results of tiffs and perceived insults.

    My question: how can I get her/us/the family to get some help. I am writing from my office where I had to take shelter for the last 2 days. My daughter of 12y even asked me why can't I leave, I asked her "who would take care of you and your brother?". Her response is :you. Given the chance they would leave her.

    I am now thinking- send them both to boarding school and allow them some time to adjust to normal people and maybe on a 1:1 basis, I might have a better chance- reduce stressful situations, get her to face the fact that we need help.

  • cesar

    i think i might have this anything i can do to control it?

  • Anonymous-7

    You have to ask yourself if there is any love left in your marriage. If you still love this person, then it is worth working out.

    Anger and control may come from the same underlying issue, low self-esteam. Some people measure their self worth, not only on thier own achievements, but on family members' achievements. So, when family members do not live up to the expectations of the person with anger and control issues, (in this case your wife), they become increasingly unhappy with themselves. The result is more swearing, hitting, insults, and arguements until someone eventually leaves (you or your children).

    Ask your wife how happy she is with her life. Remind her of her achievements. Comment on her witt, sence of humour, her figure, her abilities to pull things together, anything she does that you notice. People with low self-esteam need constant reminding they are worthy of love and friendship. Try not to focus conversations on her issues. If you find you have nothing to talk about, then add something to your weekend activities (try hiking or houseback riding) or break up the week with a movie.

    Marriage and children are major undertakings. "You can't send it back so you might as well make good use of it". I hope this helps.

  • mum

    I think i'm ok as a mum most of the time, I listen as much as i can, encourage, play...but there are times when I get so frustrated with the kids, usually with time issues like runnung late, i just yell and have no room inside me to listen or be patient a second longer. i take time out but can't seem to get into a balance. i feel bad when i leave them for a break, i feel bad that i can't control my anger, that they all cop it. i find it very difficult to feel anger and express is constructively or even at all unless i crack it. i need help...

  • angry teen

    I have major anger issues. Every time someone doesn't do what I want, or tells me to do something I don't want to do, I start getting really upset, or angry. I get violent if I don't let out my feelings, and it's getting in between my mother and I. I can't be around her or my brother for more than20 minutes without wanting to yell, scream, or hit something. I take almost everything negatively, and I want to be happy again.... someone please help me...

  • T

    Anger is one thing. But self control is another. I have acheived a keen sense of self awareness at his point. So I know WHY I get angry. I know WHAT it is that sets me off. I know WHERE it all originated from long long ago. What I have not yet been able to do is control it. Controlling doesnt even necessarily mean NOT expressing anger. It means controlling when, where, and how. It means controlling the level of expression relative to the situation. So KNOWING the whys ad the wherefores is a huge step in the right direction. But if you continue to use and abuse anger in inappropriate situations, directed towards the wrong people, and at unnecessary levels......then you still have along way to go.

    Frankly I am soooo very tired of not being able to control it. It is almost like Turrets Syndrome. It's like there is an external trigger event that flips a switch. Once that switch has been flipped the rational and cognitive thinking part of my brain shuts down and i go into what can best be described as a "Rant & Rave" event that will last as long as the other person is willing to "take it" or until the energy of the emotion has depleted itself. Usually the "Rant & Rave" is directed towards anotherperson, most always a female and most always someone with whom I am emotionally intimate with. However, I have found myself having Rants & Raves all by myself while driving down the road directed towards someone in my world. I am having this "argument with someone who is not present. But that does not have the detrimental effects that Ranting & Raving ON TO someone else does.

    So its all about CONTROL. I have done the anti depressant thing an the cognitive therapy thing......but the only thing to date that has had any positive effect is hypnotism. I leave it there for now.

  • Anonymous-8

    OK...im very young like not even out or high school my friends and everyone just prevoke me to do things liek spaz out at them and crap, so i do. You see i have a problem i cant touch or hit anyone i cant bring my self to hurt anyone or anything im not physically agressive lets say, but you know it feels like such a strain on my self to not let my anger out. Im wondering if my friends are right is this a form of anger managment if i cant even physicly hurt anyone? I think its just them that like to make me do it so i do and cant help. but angremanagment might work ill try. Silent treatment semed to work to make them stop, but you know i cant keep that up forever.

  • Katie

    I'm only a sophomore in High School and I feel that I have been experiencing issues with controlling my anger since I've known what anger even is. I've taken several self-assessment quizes online and they have recommended strongly that I receive professional help on this. I was just wondering if I should really look into it, or if maybe I'm just being overly dramatic or something. If anyone has any advice or ideas for me, please reply to this via email, because I'll be more likely to read that than to come back on this website (xxrisingstormxx@gmail.com). Thank you.

  • donna

    I wasn't always an angry person, but then life dishes out some crap sometimes and you take it and take it. constently being walked over and blah blah blah then, one day you wake up and everythings change you start telling people what you think of them and then it escalates and your aggresion becomes fierce to the point of rage, and this hot uncontrable feeling of rage mixed with frustration and just wanting to strike out at the slightest thing starts to become an everyday occurance. The sad thing is I don't even know what im angry about anymore.

  • jess

    ok im going to start with saying,, yes i am an angry person,, and yes i can not control what happens when i get angry,, iv only just had an arguement and have just wrecked my house. i know that i need help and i want help. i just dont think that i will be able to change. will i always stay an angry person.. will i ever find out why im an angry person? im 17 yrs old. iv left school and im working.. i have lots of friends and love them loads. aswell as my family but i just cant stop every now and then flipping out. i dont know why i flip out, i also dont know what makes me flip out.. and when i do it seems like im another person.. people say when i get angry i change.. everything about me changes.. im not me anymore.. what does that mean?? am i ment to be in a mental hospital or what??!! w

    please if you can help me email me!! if your like me email me!! i would love to get help and i would love to meet people that are like me to see how they feel about it and what they want to do about it.. we can try and help each other.. maybe that will help us i dont know.. its worth a try i think!!

    thanks xx jess xx

  • Mono

    Jess, my mother is a very angry person who blows up at her family CONSTANTLY and we are trying to get her to go seek professional help. My mother does really nice things for us and I know she cares about us, but every time she says something hurtful or yells at us, she makes all of the good things she has done seem insignificant. I am getting angry myself from having been on the recceiving end of so much hostility.

    Even when I try to help her, she yells at me. If someone accidentally drops or spills something, she screams at us. She never apologizes if she is the one in the wrong. She says she is always right. She sees everything in an extremely negative light. And when I tell her that her comments hurt me, she gets angry at me and tells me not to tell her what to do. I ask her how she would feel if we all treated her the way she treats us, and she doesn't seem to care. I want to treat her the same way she treats us so she can see how we feel and attempt to get some hep, but it's against my personality to act the way she acts.

    As the daughter of a hostile mother, your comment actually makes me very mad. How do you not know you will get better if you don't even TRY? You NEED help. Get it for you, your friends, and your family. Look for someone who specializes in anger management. You will most likely get better and if your therapist is not helping you, get a new therapist.

    Saying that you need help and refusing to get it because you're afraid it might not work is insulting to yourself and the people you care about. People over the internet are NOT going to be able to help you overcome your anger problems. That is just not possible. There is a reason why you are angry (Anger is not a human's natural state. There is a cause behind all this anger.) and your therapist, if he or she is a good therapist,WILL find what it is, I assure you, though it will take time and you will have to work hard, too. Please seek help today. The longer you refuse to seek help, the worse your relationships will get. You might end up losing someone who is very important to you. There is only so long people can take abusive behavior.

    Don't be afraid that it won't work. Do it and you will save yourself. Your well-being and your family and friend's well-being will improve. Anger destroys your insides. Don't be afraid. Be strong.

  • Mohd

    I'm wondering which is more difficult, controlling anger in yourself or defusing someone elses' anger? Why?

  • james

    Im only 16, and ive done bad things in my life, ive hurt people and im not sure if its anger, so im posting this on anger managment because im not sure where to put it. I hurt people for fun i like the rush i suppose. the power. however it comes across as anger to people i seem to get angry at the smallest of things. ive never had any help with it before but im about to go to collage and i dont want it to continue.

    i havnt been drunk in 4 months because of the consiquenses of what happened last time. i need help some one please.....

  • Anonymous-9

    Glad that you are reaching out and recognizing that you are experiencing out of control sensations and don't like the outcome. Please enlist support for yourself with a qualified therapist, there are many clinics with interns that specialize in anger management and your age group. Keep looking until you find someone you connect with, you deserve support.

  • Anonymous-9

    Glad that you are reaching out and recognizing that you are experiencing out of control sensations and don't like the outcome. Please enlist support for yourself with a qualified therapist, there are many clinics with interns that specialize in anger management and your age group. Keep looking until you find someone you connect with, you deserve support.

  • Anonymous-10

    The other night my son's thumb was accidentally closed in a car door. I wasn't there but it was awful. The thing was, when I got home and saw him my first emotion was anger. I was upset with him for "stupidly putting his hand in harms way". should my natural instinct be to sooth and comfort him? Why did I feel this way?

  • Dennis

    I have been married 11 years and over that time there have been out right disastrous arguments. Nothing that escalated beyond me getting my face slapped. I have been accused of adultrey, lying, being gay, no interest in my two children, hating a child from a previous marriage, sodomy, loving my job more than my family, and even beastiality. I concern myself with what I say as this may set the "bomb" off. I am to the point now where I am only here for my two children as my parents left me with grandparents very early and that pain sti lingers. However, I deal with an anger that spills out onto them and it is destroying me inside. It has come to the notice of my co-workers to the point they have made comments like "I don't know how you get anything done at work." At one point, I find myself lying to my wife in order to avoid confrontation. Once caught in the lie, it escaltes to a horrible argument. I try and respond calmly until acucsations towards myself, my family, even my friends are questioned and criticized. I want to live, I feel my life is in vain and my only hope is that my children one day turn out to be well. Of course, I am afraid of the unknown but it has to be better than this. S.O.S, I could use some help

  • jean

    my relationship with my partner of 13 years is in jepeordy due to his anger. in a lot of ways he is a good man. he would never hit me and he provides well financially. i think that's why we are still together. we have spoken about our problems on numerous occasions and he always takes responibility of his actions but nothing changes. he always apologises afterwards. my kids now just accept his outbursts as normal which i hate. i've suffered from depression for years and his anger doesn't help. he just keeps saying he can handle it himself but he can't and he refuses to go for help. i think i want to end our relationship. i can't see a way forward.

  • Anonymous-11

    My husband is capable of being nice. Everything in our life is not awful. But it could be so much better. We used to talk, about everything and anything.

    But more often than not, now he's a pot waiting to boil over. He's very competitive, in EVERY way. If someone we know buys something or has something better than what we have, he wants whatever it is, or to upgrade what we've got. We're talking possessions like cars and trucks and boats, not inexpensive 'fixes.' I've tried to tell him that possessions don't make you happy (OK, for a few months it does,) you can only be happy from the inside out, but he won't listen to me. Now he wants a $40,000 Shelby because "the price has come down."

    We can handle the bills. For now. But the money we're spending could be put toward our retirement, which looks like it'll never happen. According to him, if there's money left over at the end of the month, we're just not having enough fun.

    He's also jealous. If I show concern or friendship toward anyone else - especially if it's a male - he gets jealous and angry and resentful, I guess because his first wife of 14 years left him for a former high school sweetheart after a year of planning for it. Understand that I don't flirt, I don't do anything even close to expressing interest in another man. I'm married and I understand what that means, my parents were married nearly 60 years. I don't believe in throwing away marriages the way they seem to today.

    My husband has ended decade-long-plus relationships with formerly 'good' friends when he feels he's been 'wronged' by someone, there's no talking to him. Ending a friendship because someone teases you about having a faster car than you is stupid. He resented the time I spent with my elderly, handicapped father, who had no one to be with him for the last five years of his life before he died. Mom passed away six years ago, and our closest relative is over 1000 miles away. It was hard enough on me without my feeling guilty for the time I spent with Dad. My husband rarely visited with my father.

    He gets angered by: a line in the grocery store that moves faster than his, slow cars in traffic, a coworker who makes more money than he does, ANY boss/father figure he encounters (his relationship with his father was bad and he won't talk about it with me, and he's told me he never will) and a myriad of other things too numerous to mention. His grown son has told him of his anger. His coworkers have told him. He jokes about it, but won't listen. I see friends of ours shying away from him (and, as we're a couple, me) due to the anger.

    I've subjugated things I've wanted for myself, to get or do for myself, to get or do for him, in the attempt to make him happy. I feel hollow, like there's no 'me' left in me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, not wanting to say the wrong thing that will set him off. We have fought in the past, if you call him yelling or threatening me or calling me names - he's NEVER laid a hand on me - while I've cried, 'fighting'. And then there's the silent treatment I'm given, until I break down and cry. So over the years I've learned not to bring up touchy subjects, to avoid him being angry with me. Lately when he begins to show signs of anger I stop talking with him and in some cases, leave the room or area where he is, to avoid fueling his anger.

    He wasn't like this when we were dating or first married. If he had been, we wouldn't be together. When I brought up the subject of counseling about five years ago, his response was "If I didn't do that with my first wife, I'm sure not going to do it with you."

    Has anyone been able to deal with this situation to a positive conclusion? Does going to counseling alone do any good? Or does this situation always end in divorce, to feel like a whole human being again and to be able to find joy in living?

  • Kenneth Fryman

    Too start with, i'm not a angry, pissed off prick to the world kinda guy, i married at 21, at then, we was too young, we divorced, but became friends, and worked together as parents, but i met a women, beautiful, soulmate's, we loved the same things, i coached girlsoftball, and basketball for our daughters, she had 1 daughter, i had 1 son, 1 daughter and the girls was the same age, but she was the team mother, and we had a night life when we could, but we both always knew we loved each other, and the sex life was outa this world, and for 14 yrs, she still was a turn on to me, plus being a great mother, but not to say, all it wasnt just peaches and cream, it had its momments, but we survived all of them, except one time, and it was bad, she got into coke, and it totally screwed the marriage up, and i was the husband that still stood by her side threw all of it, all my life i was told to be a man, and you make things work, hince being married for 14 yrs, i was a great husband, i did it all, needless to say, i lost the battles to coke, and after 2 rehabs, and plenty of patience, a cpl black eyes, mental beat downs, i couldnt take it, no more, but when she left, she took my daughter, even though she was a step daughter, i raised her all thoseyrs, so she was mine, never to see her again, and because all of this, i have been bitter, and somewhat alittle pissy, but not violent, i get mad at men that fuck around on their wifes and gf's, i get bent when ppl just throw away things for stupid thing's, like drug's, sex, i'm pissed that my life was and is turn upside down, because of all that i did, for 14 yrs, made them all a lifestyle that most women would kill for, and i was the husband, the dad, the friend, the lover, all rolled up in one, not to mention, damn it, I LOOK GOOD, lol, but seriously, i am alittle angry about all of this, and it has gotton better, but sometimes i lash out to friends, but i have made strides to better myself, i blog on myspace, where alot of my friends hangout, cause of our music seen, ya, i'm into music, blonde longhair and all, i promise all, i will keeping taking steps to better, just recently, that daughter i was telling you about, emailed me, so alot of weight has been lefted, i will get better, i will find love again, i will take it day by day, i'm just happy she wrote, and maybe that part of my life and my 2 kids life can get back, thank you all for reading my story in a nut shell, much luv.....kenny from elkhart indiana

  • Adam J.

    Ok well here it goes... I have just lost the girl of my dreams, Due to my anger and many other things.. I still love her and i have identifyed these issues..please don't be judgemental or anything, I am 19 and live with my parents i live in canada and i am 2 credits away from getting my gade 12. I don't have a job and i am sitting around playing a online video game everyday from the time wake up till the time im ready to go to bed...The thing is this video game has changed my life so much...

    1. I am just above avg on this game so i became arragent when ever i won or beat someone.. Then somehow i brought it out of the video game and into real life..

    2. I have a tendancie to "Snap" at her, not like hit her but get a rude tone, and i have a feeling that with me doing that im putting her down...

    3. I am a very jealousy person (because of past relationships) and i try to make myself look better so that, well i guess make me feel like I am good enough to be with her.

    4. With this jealousy i have a problem with her hanging out with other guys for fear i may lose her to someone better!

    I am sorry for poor grammer and everything, in the past two days i have come down a little ways from my high horse... i relize there are people out there that are better then me and there will continue to be people better then me...

    What i would like to know is, Has anyone ever been in this situation or one like it?(from my point or hers) Would you consider taking someone back if they changed? Do you belive it is possible for me to change?

    Sincerly,

    Adam J.

  • Anonymous-12

    I yelled at my son again this morning, enough to make him cry for his daddy. He said it's because Daddy is "nice". My son is five years old, and I have been so angry with him that I've scared him on more than one occasion, including this morning. He's strong willed, more so than my daughter was. She has learned what to do when I'm mad - move fast. I'm usually angry in the mornings getting them ready for school. We miss the bus regularly, so I have to drive them to school. It wastes money because of gas and the fact that it costs almost $300 a year for bus service. I drive in silence, stewing. I already take two medications for high blood pressure and they don't work.

    My inability to get anywhere on time makes me angry at myself and I take it out on my precious children. I hate myself afterwards. I rarely apologize. I think about the impact it has on my kids, what lesson I'm teaching them by being an out of control scary bitch. I vow that next morning, it will be different. I'll take steps to save time and be more efficient. Yet it happens again. And I hate myself again. I feel tremendous guilt about the mean things I've said. I replay what I've done, and my childrens' reactions to my verbal and physical violence. I think about my son having to go to school after I've upset him so much, made him cry, then ridiculed him for needing help with a tissue. Oh yeah, and he didn't eat any breakfast either.

    When did I become this cruel person? Maybe I shouldn't have had kids.

    I need to do something about this anger before I ruin my relationship with my family for good.

  • Anna Britle

    Im still in high school, and every dad people will degrade things that i think are good or people will be totaly and insufferable iggnorant. It always pushes me over the edge. today a guy told me that every thing i enjoyed was trashy and that it was imoral to like Mtv... I got so angry a wanted to kill somebody, then later i felt like just killing myself instead. i am having trouble letting thses stupid thing just slide instead they build on me and i just hate everything...what should i do to make it stop?

  • Jay

    Hi everyone, first off this is my first time so be gentle. i honestly dont know why i get so angry. but i absolutely have a issue. my life is pretty damn good. i have a good job, beutiful fiance who puts up with my bullshit, two loving children who are as close to perfect as you can hope for, and i still get so mad over the most inconsequential things. Mostly i take this anger out on my girl, and i hate it. we will get into a spat i wouldnt even call what we do argueing, more like discussing and i will blow the situation completely out of proportion. i'll start yelling and cussing taking it to a whole other level for no real reason, and i dont understand why i do it. i'll get so mad i feel like i'm going to have a heart attack and i'm only 29! i would really appreciate any advice or help anyone could give me to help me cope better with this issue. i wasn't always like this i used to be a very laid back person. when i first got with my girl we never argued about anything it was freaky how well we got along. and i feel that we could still be that way if i could only stay calm enough to talk to her when we needed to dicuss something but i dont. i get so angry so quickly it scares her and now she feels like she cant come to me at all. that i'll just scream and yell and hurt her ( not physically, but mentally is just as bad in my opinion). i'm willing to do anger management classes or anything else that can help me but to be honest the whole class atmosphere has me kinda scared. oh hell here goes, i think im still upset about how my first marriage ended. it ended with my wife pregnant with my best friends baby (jerry springer eat your heart out). my ex got the house, cars, kids and all the money because she lied to the judge and convinced the courts that i was a danger to my children. i didnt get to see the kids for about a year, and now i only get them every other weekend. yhat pisses me off so bad i see red just thinking about it. the worst part is my kids would be so much better off with me. my ex doesnt work at all, she has had multiple drug charges she has been charged with multiple felonies, but i'm the danger to my kids!!! ahh damn it sorry. the worst part is i'm cared to try to get custody of my kids because the courts took my parental rights away three years ago because and this is no bullshit, she told the judge when we seperated that i had hit her(a lie), that i threatened to shoot myself and my kids, and that she was scared for her life. so even though i'm a veteran, and have know criminal record what so ever, have a college degree, make $70,000 a year, and LOVE my children i got shafted by the system. the sad thing is now instead of being a father i'm nothing but a glorified babysitter for my ex wife. she lets me get the kids everyother weekend when it suits her. but at other times she'll just leave me waiting for hours instead of calling to tell me i cant have them. it has been getting kinda better lately to be honest but it still bites. she recently had another kid get this with another drug addict and he lives with my BABIES now!! i dont understand why this has happened to me and my kids but it frinking sucks. my son who is 8 now wants to live with me but of course that wont happen because get this neither her nor her loser boyfrind work so i literally pay their rent so my kids will have a decent place to live!! ironic huh, she cant live with me so she takes everything including my motorcycle(BITCH) and i get nothing but borrowed time with my kids calling another guy daddy and i still pay for the bitch to live in a good neighberhood. but what choice do i have. if i take her to court and try to win custody of my kids and lose i'll never ever get to see my kids at all. so i'm stuck, and that makes me so mad i cant stand it. i mean how can a court system work that way no evedence no anything but her word against mine and i lose my kids. now i know there are guys out there who dont give a shit about their kids or the responsibilities that come with that job but i'm not one of them i want my kids back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i know that will never happen, now i dont see them on their bdays or any holidays and they get mad at me like its my fault and what am i supposed to say its not my fault that wont change anything. and as much as i hate my ex i will not talk bad about her to my kids because no matter what she's their mom and they need to respect her even if she is nuts you know. wow that feels good to just get all that off my chest damn. i guess thats all for now please feel free to give our advice or opinions on my dumb ass thx and happy holidays

    j

  • pbshipp

    Dear J.

    My heart goes out to you. There are so many loser dead beat dads out there, and here you are trying to be a good dad.

    I am a foster parent, been one for 16 years, seen a lot of tore up kids that use their kids to heart the husband or wife, whatever applies.

    The kids unfortunately are payin a bigger price than you.

    I have only one solution for you, and I promise it will work,,,it means a life change, swallowing pride, eating crow, and being greatly persecuted, but just how much do you love your kids? How much are you willing to change for them,,,,how much are you willing to give up for them, sounds like you have given up enough already.

    Here goes J.........,,,,,,,,Jesus Christ is the only answer, cause the system really bites, people are everywhere hurting one another, trying to destroy one another, don't care who they hurt or what they have to do to hurt them, because this is the way the world operates now.

    I'm not here to preach at you J......,,,,I just know what the solution is, been there done that,,,,,,nothing else will work.....try it, you will never be sorry.

    And just think what your kids will benefit from your sacrifice.

    Don't give up on life, Jesus came to give us life more abundantly and without Him we will have messed up lives, it's all in the Word of God, if you don't believe me, read it for yourself,,,,,,,,you might say I don't understand it,,,,well neither did I until I asked God to forgive me and come into my heart, then I started understanding,,,,,,and low and behold it worked, I now have peace beyond all understanding,,,you can too,

    I promise,,,,God bless,

    pbshipp

  • HAMMA

    I LIKE THIS ARTICLE TO THE FULLEST

  • salima

    while i sit here tyoing this i honestly hope i can get some help. i know i have a problem and i live in a country where a therapist or anger management is out of the question either too expensive or not available. i love my mother and my two daughters more than anythng yet i hurt them everyday with my anger and outbursts. i have hit the children several times and am scared that i will hurt them or make them screwed up when they grow up. last night i was so angry at mum and i shook my one year old because she wasnt sleeping. my two year old is scared of me and i never wanted this to happen. i hate myself!! i make my mum so miserable they have learnt to stay away from me im so scared i need help i will do anything to change absolutely anythin!!

  • Cynthia

    hi, ithink i should get some help because even when people start to yell i actually yell at them and i cuss at them very loud even when my friends do that, you see i cnt controll it i try very hard not be angry cause im letting all my anger on my friends and parents sometimes i just want to slap my friend even my parents but i dont do that . Every day i yell and yell . for example i yelled 2day a bunch time maybe someday i can controll it and live a good life.

  • daanyaal

    hey everybody i have a similar prob to 1 of the earliry comments where i cant seem to vent slowy ,my life is riddled with anger even if i smile a lot and and hve good thoughts or im just constantly happy but when ppl insult me ,get angry with me ,or create fights it tends to build up and doesnt goe away after some time it s calm and for some reason some way or another i snap ,it usually occures if im trying to accomplish something or im working at home ,if i knock into something or im trying to pack stuff away and it wont work then it happens il kick stuff punch holes in doors thro stuff even spin the wheels on my car if it refuses to move iv realli gotten close to hurting ppl and it needs to stop urgently ....i just need to find serenity

  • Vincent

    I fell in love with a girl in the summer of 2007, we met at a bar I had just got a job at, We were from the same home town so it felt right to be around her, she was a brilliant radiant young women, I loved her in the matter of days, we continued our relationship and the summe was least to say the best experience of my life, but at summers end she left for england, i cried for a month straight, let me make this real, at work i cried, at home, nights i would walk by her old house were new people lived and just imagine the nights we spent on the deck drinking corona and watching thunder storms and the sun rise, her ex boyfriend lived in the uk eventually I looked to my best friend for comfort, she helped me so much to he point things got serious, i loved her alot too but not like the girl i met in that bar, I couldn't sleep with her sexually because of my love for this girl, we shared two months together before she came back from england early because things didn't work out with her and her ex, i lost my bestfriend to persue this girl, the moment she came back my eyes were instantly drawn to her at all times, she moved in slow motion to me, i found out she had sept with him and it started.. uncontrolable anger, like being betrayed.. I would yell and think to myself how much I hated her but inside I loved her so.. months and months of fighting.. she stood by me and never left me.. but then in the summer of 2008 i found a letter to ex boyfriend before the english guy, a sexual letter, she told me she drove to his house but turned around and came back, and it started again.. i have this anger in me now.. i've begun to hurt everyone around me, family, friends.. I've devolped a sort of social phobia not wanting to be around people.. its been months since I hung out with anyone but her.. I can't talk around other people or socialise properly... I have dreams were I severly hurt people. him.. I've broken my hand punching a hole in the wall, I've pounded on the floor knowing it wouldn't break.. I've turned blood red with rage over little things.. and when i see her socialise with people mostly boys it destroys me and this anger takes over.. Its an issue, but let me say I love her more then anything on this planet, I was raised properly by good parents and would never harm her physically.. shes still that radiant female i met back in the summer of 2007 and now I see Ive created a monster of love and hate for which I switch back and forth from at others dispense.. I'd ask for help but I don't believe anyone can help me, doctors.. pills .. I just wanted to write this because I'v recently tried to end this monster and wanted some one to read this someday and maybe realise your loved one is angry but quite capable of unimaginable love.

    my name is vincent and i love her until the day the world ends.

  • dubby

    I have a son who is almost 18 years old and is very very angry all the time. He has 3 siblings and can't be around any one of them for more then 10 minutes without an argument breaking out. He has trashed my house many times, including smashing holes in the walls. These outbursts seem to come out of the blue. He is unreasonable and demanding. He shows no sign of remorse after, at all and tells us we shouldn't have pissed him off. He blames us for all his problems. I was a young mother of four children and thier father was an alcoholic but has been sober for 14 years now. He was 4 when his dad quit drinking. We have provided our children with the best life we possible can. I work 2 jobs, thats 54 hours a week and the resty of my time is spent on the kids even though they are ages 16, 17, 19, and 21. Their dad is self employed and is devoted to the kids also. Well recently our sons rages are so out of control we can't stand it anymore. His dad wanted to get a restraining order on him, i intervened. We are fighting about it constantly and our other children don't want to be around him at all. My son does not want to seek help at all. We have made him appointments to see someone he refuses to go. Something else I should mention is my son is an alcoholic and smokes pot. I do not believe that is the the core of his problem though. It does not help of course, but I think it goes beyond the drinking and getting high. He is depressed and tells us he wishes we would die, he hates us, and so on. If anyone has any advise please give it. We are very desperate. My email address is dubby271@yahoo.com.

  • Spencer

    Hello, My name is Spencer and I am currently dating the most awesome girl in the whole world. She is a great kid and has so many awesome qualities. She is a great athlete is smart and is absolutely beautiful. Here's my problem.. I am constantly worried that she is going to cheat on me. She has never ever even come close to giving me a reason to think she'd cheat on me but ofr some reason I have it in my head not to trust her. I have been this way with every girl I've been with but this time I know I have to be crazy because this girl is as close to perfect as you can get. I love her, a ton. And at times I am very trusting of her but a lot of times I get a tick in my head that gives me bad thoughts about what she could be doing. I am desperate. She is getting very upset but says she wants to help me. I can't lose this girl. I have to learn how to be trusting of her. Can anyone help me?

  • Anonymous-13

    I am so there. I am crying now, after having read your comment. I could have written it, and couldn't have said it better. I cannot offer any solutions, because I also repeatedly resolve to change the next morning, before doing the same thing all over again. It's like that movie, "Groundhog Day". My daughter is 5, and my son is 2 1/2. They are often terrified of their "scary bitch" of a mom, and I often question whether I should have had kids. They deserve better they are good kids. The guilt is crushing. I feel as if I have been given the responsibility to provide care and nurturing to these precious angels, and am failing miserably. This morning in particular, I was sure the neighbors heard my yelling, our combined crying, and thought that I must surely be totally insane. This isn't how to treat young children, too little to understand time and lateness and dependent on adults to take of that for them. It's heartbreaking to think that this very issue plagues so many others. I'm always bitter and jealous when I see other moms and their small children when there is no sign of any of this kind of emotional turmoil. I guess you can't always read a book by it's cover, but I'm sure that there are other women who are getting this thing right...at least the majority of the time. I don't know the answer, but I am sure that the way our society views women, children, and the conflicting opinions of staying home/working/doing both (like I do, around my husbands schedule due to lack of childcare) are major contributing factors. It is certainly a juggle, even if the decision is to stay home and take on the job of cook-nurse-wardrobe consultant-psychiatrist-housekeeper-chauffeur-tudor-coach-laundress, and still find some "quality time" in between. Compounding the problem is the lack of extended family support for many moms (and dads, of course!). We have one out of four sets of grandparents that are minimally involved with our kids, and I am appreciative for the little bit of relief they have given us...but there have only been a handful of times that they have babysat, and one overnighter. They are raising two boys (my step-mothers grandchildren) and are understandably busy and tired instead of enjoying their retirement, so there isn't much left over for my kids. My husband and I are the only adults they have who really, really love and care for our kids and always put their needs first. I try to be thankful for what we have, and not focus on what we don't, but I would love for them to have a soft place to fall when I have caused them pain. Everyone is so afraid to get involved with anyone elses problems that we all just keep to ourselves and white-knuckle our struggles. I know the parenting practices of history were not perfect, but having several extra pairs of hands either in the same household or next door must have been a benefit for both parents and children. This is the age of isolation.

  • Roberta

    I just left my emotionally and verbally abusive boyfriend because of his anger. It's a long story and I see many similarities to other ones here on the post from both sides.

    I will say this - I am so glad I left. I couldn't talk to my friends, couldn't go anywhere, I was exhausted and depressed all the time. I no longer did anything I enjoyed, everything was about him and his needs and his interests and his problems at his job. I was a non-entity, he told me more than once when I tried to tell him how I felt about something, that it was B/S and he couldn't care less about my thoughts or feelings.

    Nothing I did was good enough, he would nitpick over every little thing and browbeat me constantly. I was supposed to be mom, shrink, maid, sex kitten, business partner, etc. on top of working a full time job and that was not enough for him. He was jealous when I dressed nice to go to work, would call me 10 times a day and went ballistic if I did not ansewr my cell or desk phone.

    My ex drinks a lot and I told him that he needed to stop but to no avail. I took back my power, I was tired of him blaming me for all the problems in our relationship, he always said that I was the problem it was never him. He hates his ex because she has the power with the kids and she uses it. They are going back to court in June over the kids again for the third time, it is all about control. I feel sorry for the kids, they are innocent and caught in the middle of all the crap between their parents and their parents new partners.

    I'm also stuck dealing with the fact that he changed the locks at the house and is holding my belongings hostage. It was his house, which is fine, but he was by law obligated to give me 30 days notice and did not. I should have stood my ground and refused to leave but he was bullying me and getting in my face and getting angrier and angrier. I figured it wasn't worth it to be in physical danger, and thank God I had a place to go. My condo was empty and I went back there.

    My advice to any of you with anger management issues is GET HELP. There are programs, and I used to have issues with anger when I was younger and it took a lot of hard work and soul searching to get over it. I am much more laid back and don't sweat the small stuff anymore. BUT IT IS HARD WORK. And I spent years alone so that I could fix myself only to end up on the receiving end of all this kind of garbage.

    If you are in a relationship with an abusive angry person, make a plan to GET OUT or GET HELP and stick to it. Get a support network of friends, family or a counselor because you will need it if you don't have financial independence or a back up the way I did with my condo. If your partner refuses to go to therapy together, as mine did, that is another sign that it is a dead end situation that will go nowhere. I was scared for my safety more than once, he was destructive and threw things across the room and threatened me with physical violence.

    I am so glad I found the strength to leave and so many positive people are coming into my life and this is only a week later. I will never go back, life is too short, now I just have to deal with getting the rest of my stuff and once I do I don't want to have anything to do with him. He refuses to do the hard work it takes to fix himself and is going to therapy once a week and did anger management but is not sincere about fixing himself, he is just going through the motions so that it looks good on paper for when he goes to court.

    I wish everyone well, and there are solutions but it is HARD WORK and you must be prepared to go through the pain but it is worth it in the end. Join a church, or take up yoga or meditation, change your diet, exercise, journal, whatever it takes to help you calm down if you are angry. If you are the victim of the angry person, get a support system started and get help from family, friends and counselor so you can make it through. Life is too short and everyone deserves to be happy. Blessings to all.

  • Dr. Freida

    Anger=FearFace your fear... whether it be with Jesus, your God, or just strength you find within yourself... and you will not be angry anymore.Anger is natural... but you need to stop, before you hurt anyone... and think about what exactly you're responding to.It's like an alarm... something's wrong. You can't control life. You can only control yourself and the way you respond to feelings that pop up inside you.If the fear that is making you angry is too much to bear... walk away from it. OR... work hard to not be afraid of it. Abusing anyone is cowardly.

  • joe

    need some help

  • --ShAzZy--

    hi. what do you think about this. I scored 21 on the test... and if u got over 10, u had probs... but... iv always been really calm... until a week ago! I just feel really mad ALL the time, and i get into arguments a lot with my friends, who really are a bit wary of me now, because i lose my temper over loads of stuff, and sometimes hurt them! I even threw my laptop out thee window because it wouldnt load... and the teachers are getting a little bit concernd at school because i used to be calm... but now im now and i always argue about things! Its really starting to upset me... and i really dont feel like i can talk to anyone about it. But i found this site... and you people are the only people iv told so far...please help :'(

  • Anonymous-14

    Hello to all,

    I have a this anger problem that is ending my relationship because, im getting mad for every little thing, more or less, i'm starting to see the bad effects of so much anger and resement, i need to talk to someone before the fire breaks out. thanks

  • david williams

    i got in to a fight with my wife over a vido game.i screamed at her till i was spitting.i shut her out.and we got in to a fight where i pushed her and blamed her for every thing.she left and took my 2 kids with her i need help this is not the first time this has happend and i want it to be the last.

    i have spent a lot of time mad and shutting out my family.to the breaking point. i love them very much and know my anger isnt her falt.it come from a childhood of anger and vilonce.i need some 1 so bad i need to beat this so much

  • Angel

    I have been married for five years. When I met this man, I felt like he was the greatest person that I could talk to him about anything, we could argue about stuff, and my opinions would be considered. We had an even share in everything and life was great. He could be the nicest man and every one else loves him to bits and sees him as extremely charming. He was extremely calm and spiritual when I met him.After our marriage we made the mistake of living with his parents for two years and it affected our relationship. I myself suffer from low self-confidence, which had taken me eight years to deal with, but in entering into this family, all my confidence was sucked right out becuase we had great problems with his mother who used to go crazy and threw us out of the house several times. This is when problems began. He became incredibly over-critical of everything and wanted to control everything: commenting on everything from the way i dressed, to the way the room was set up, and why I talked to my mom so much,...EVERYTHING I did he made a comment about. It was a very painful period but I lived with it. He gradually began to have these angry bouts over nothing and he did hit me. He hit once so that my arm had a purple stain the size of an apple for several weeks. Recently, his anger is unbearable. he curses at me, calls me names over simple things and damns me. He calls me names when he gets angry over the way things are not going his way and most things have to go his way. He threatens to hit me and he sometimes does when he is angry but then he is apolgetic and sorry for it. I am scared of stating my opinion about things or disagreeing with him because I dont feel like a fight over every little thing. I am so tired of telling him that his attitude bothers me becuase he gets angry and tells me that i am victimizing myself. I normally d'nt post stuff up on these sites because the answers are so generic but does he have some sort of a disorder or am i pushing his wrong buttons? What's going on? what should i do? I hope that someone can understand me...I have not told anyone about his bad behaviour and everyone sees him as beautiful-probably wn't believe me if i say he's like this. My parents though have seen kind of thorugh him...but i d'not know what to do......

  • Angry

    I am just so angry at everything that has condensed itself in my mind that I can't even tell you one thing, but mostly I think I have been used and abused that many times, I feel so much anger I am on a constant rant. I am fed up with society, my "family" in action and just everything that is sly, bitter, manipulative and rubbish, I just want to be free of this, I want to get off, life is no game, it is absolutly the pits.

    Do I need anger managment? Well the world ain't going to change and neither are the tricks that people play that they really shouldn't so probably and I also need to know how to deal with manipulation in people who take the heart you give and smash it back in your face.

  • Zuzu

    Hi. Just to let you know that I think you are doing a wonderful job at being patient. I feel sorry for you because my wife and I are going through the same problem however, I feel that I do have an issue and that i have a temper and I have let her know that I understand i have this "disease". I was such a nice guy until things in my life went wrong. Now, I get into arguments with my mum, my wife, my brothers, friends, cousins etc... I do understand what your husband is going through and i believe he is in a state of depression. All i ask of you is to tell him how u feel, tell him how it is affecting you make him feel that he does have a problem. The more he turns blind on himself the more he will behave violently in time... Before a doctor can diagnose a patient, the patient must first signal that he has an illness/problem.
    Now that I know I have an anger issue, I'm going to try deal with it on my own. First thing, is to bring happiness into ur life. Happiness is the medicine to everything which is why i have now booked a holiday of 5 nights at a resort. If money is an issue, perform recreational activities, go for a bike ride together or go to a zoo spend a nice day together but most importantly revive that happiness bring photos from the past to show your loved one that he has changed. I wish you all the best.

    Good Luck,

    Zuzu.

  • Anonymous-15

    Can someone please offer me some direction? I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, but am hoping someone might be able to offer me the piece of advice that tips the scales - I haven't been able to do anything to change my situation to date, and know I need to. Maybe I just want to see it written down with all the other blogs - just to make it real.

    I've been with a guy for 2 years the first year was by distance as he was in the army.

    I knew from the moment I met him that he was controlling and possessive he'd call me three or four times a day he'd insist that I sent him pictures of myself and get cold if I didn't he'd push me to visit him and I would have to pay my own way.

    Just a month into seeing him, he got offended by something I did and told me, aggressively and publically, to 'f*#* off'. There began a pattern of behaviour I've never been comfortable with, or been able to tame.

    He tells me I'm insecure I'm depressed I'm moody I'm too sensitive. I used to be completely convinced of my own worth and believed I was none of these things - perhaps a little sensitive, but nothing unmanageable by 'normal' standards. I never had one serious argument with my previous boyfriend of five years, we just grew up and grew apart.

    My current partner snaps at the drop of a hat. I have to be so careful about my facial expressions, my tone of voice, my choice of words. I find myself rehearsing explanations for wanting to do something without him and planning far, far ahead with him always in mind. He is completely intolerant of other people, has what I consider to be unreasonable expectations of others, and has a foul mouth when he wants to.

    This man has pushed me down stairs and threatened to tell people 'what I'm like'. He has locked me out of the house. He has taken my phone and gone through it while aggressively and abusively telling me I'm seeing other people (I am not, I'm just not that sort of person). There has been a PFVO taken out on him and he takes no responsibility for it - he just resents me for ever having called police and involving people in our private life. He has called me numerous distressing things over many months. He goes off until he seems to somehow reach his own saturation point and then he quickly softens - hugging me, cuddling me, laughing at me, telling me I'm cute and saying how much he loves me.

    He is miserly with money we go halves on everything. He has cheated with texts on previous girlfriends. He's 32 years old and still yet to settle down. He doesn't have a proper job, no career-path, and seems incapable of spending any length of time with people he doesn't consider to be his calibre, for whatever reason.

    I find myself avoiding anything even remotely likely to cause an issue between us at all. I try not to express any real (negative/neutral) emotion because he seems only to respond well to me when I am tired and/or smiley - he considers these qualities/aspects of my personality irresistably cute. I know I consciously channel this side of me to avoid confrontation and gain his attention - quite often against my better judgment and honest feelings.

    I am beginning to completely resent this person. I resent him because I'm becoming an angry person. I find myself wishing I never met him at all because I genuinely feel he has changed my temperament and sense of self-worth. I feel a bit lost/hopeless without him. I have tried numerous times over the past 2 years to break it off with him but have succumed to his advances/make-ups each and every time. I have done so usually without being given/having demanded an apology or proper recognition of the hurt he's caused. I have asked him to break up with me, telling him I don't seem to be able to do it. I have expressed a view that our personalities clash and I'm convinced we'll never see eye to eye. Still, I am in the relationship.

    Please help me. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I am losing myself.

  • .....

    This uncomfortable burning sensation deep within my chest....that seems only to to get better with an explosion of Words or a violent out burst with no regard to the regret and consiquences i may feel later. Its a total blackout of my concious mind and a fire storm of emotions that burst out in action. In this past month ive knocked a guy unconcious for interferring in a arguement with my girlfriend, shattered a beautiful mirror passed down from my family, physically threw a friend out of my apt, punched numerous holes in the walls and worst of all killed my girlfreinds dog...., and just now broke my door slamming it cause i lost in a videogame online. WHY?? why do i get these uncontrollable burst of rage that i in turn regret so much and beat myself up and drown my heart in sorrow. 99% of the time im caring loving trustworthy forgiving and i believe a joy to be around... Im scared that all that will be unseen and ill be looked at for that 1%. please someone comment to help me before i desroy my reputation, job, relationship and belongings.....

  • Anonymous-16

    I was dating a beautiful lady for about 7 months, she was a great person. She would sometimes say something I didn't like, and I would'nt say anything, until one day I blew up. She didn't deserve what I did to her, I don't know why I did it but I did blow up. I miss her so. I said and did things that I haven't done to my worst enemy. I'm now seeking help for this problem. A little late for us, but I'm hoping that I'll know how to deal with my anger for the next lady I meet. Gi, if you ever read this blog I hope you forgive me.

  • zuzu

    Guys,

    I firstly need you all to relax and chill. If you stay indoors too much try to escape it,.. go to a park and think of happy times and enjoy the view. If there is a place in mind that you feel will always calm you down whether its the beach or anything go there and look at it, appreciate it. The reason why I would like you to do this is to spark what you know is called the 'soft side'. If your matters involve hurting other people, then the first thing you need to do is apologize. Your mind is now in a sensitive state, if you dont like something or its not going your way, it triggers violence or anger instead of responding in an ordinary manner.

    Remember it is you that needs to control anger not anger to control you.

    If you are playing computer/console games avoid them as they cause you to become emotionless.

    Go to the movies, watch movies that are based on happiness, love or humor.

    Start reading magazines, try/attempt poetry. Ignite the creative side of you and disembark that dark side.

    I am willing to help you all as I have successfully changed my dark life too and I know how much it hurts you to say that you have an issue or that your not normal but you know its obvious because your here writing it on an open community.

    As for those that do not feel appreciated by their loved ones and cannot sustain them (after showing love and compassion to them), leave them, let them know that you can't be treated like an animal and let them acknowledge that they have a problem and in need to seek help.

    You are all on a bumpy road, and you need to steer yourself to a smooth course.

    Good luck people!

  • Anonymous-17

    In reading the various experiences posted by your good selves, I couldn't help but relate to the emotional and mental experiences mentioned. There was a lot said that exactly matched what I'm going through. One in particular being that because of the many years I've been with my husband who's verbally and emotionally and physically abusive (when a serious argument erupts), I've become an angry person just like him.... this is my first time ever writing something like this, but I felt compelled to write it anyway just to get it off my chest.

    I'm married with 3 kids, and right now I'm just completely lost. I don't have the will power to leave this marriage... I feel like I can't break my marriage because it's against my religious belief and to even get one approved will take years. Furthermore, I don't think I can leave without immediately asking myself "what am I going to do? I don't know how I'm going to survive moving forward on my own with 3 kids while he's just running around gloating at how bold he is and that he can just get hitched like that coz he's got money and good looks" and yet here I am, sitting here, crushed having to think about that and the prospect of seeing that scenario materializing infront of me is gonna hurt like hell.

    I am still confused as to what to do. I already know now I'm in an abusive relationship but I'm afraid to leave because of my kids, my religion and because of my constant hoping that things will change for the better. I still love my husband so much but at the same time, I'm tired of all the crying that comes after the fights because of demeaning words, name calling, making me feel worthless and insignificant to him... now comes the physical abuse because I dared to confront him and standing up to him against the violence.... he's really good a manipulating an incident and he will tell his story to his family, like it was my fault and because I stood up to him, I deserved to be hit etc etc.... I went back so many times when he turned on his charms and pretended nothing happened and I continued to hope that he will indeed change because he said he was sorry, but every time, I was wrong, because it went back to the same old thing. I was constantly blamed for the reason he's abusive and angry.... and now I've become this angry person too, I try to control it but it's gotten to the point where once he gets angry and tries to pick a fight, I will rise to occassion and then chaos breaks out. There were so many things that went wrong in this relationship and it's true the abuse has really got me rethinking if perhaps I am the problem.... I feel like I'm losing my sanity and most times I want out to be honest, but I know deep down in my heart that I'm not emotionally and mentally prepared to face a divorce as well as the prospect of losing my kids, if ever it came to that.

    I've been mentally, emotionally, verbally and more recently, physically abused to the point where i just can't take it anymore. If I try to stand up against the violence and the anger, I'm told that I'm being proud and out of line and trying to provoke anger that justifies my getting physically abused. I've seen and been exposed to my husband's anger for five years and it's starting to make me an angry person and I don't want to be like him.... I wish I had the strength to leave and yet, because I love him and my kids, I can't leave. I don't know if I can go on without him. I sound like a love-sick puppy, but I actually feel immobilized where I am.... I have two conflicting emotions, one tells me that he'll change and I should help him while the other tells me that I've had enough I should get out before things get really bad.

    So many people have told me to just leave him, but i really can't..... I know what to do, in terms of leaving, but i just can't do it.

  • Mr Rice

    Hello, I am a 20 year old male, with a gorgeous girlfriend...whom i am happy to know...i need to learn how to control my anger. i tried therapy and i got mad at her...i feel literally like the entire world is wrong and that i am right...i dont feel like im wrong when i fly off the handle, so to speak.

    I know that i am wrong, however, it isnt healthy the way i react to some stuff. I mean, i blow up over some stupid stuff and think about it for hours after getting mad as well as while its happening. my problem is the whole think before you speak thing.

    i feel useless except for when anger is required, there is a giant hole in my heart over this burden of anger i carry. i legitimately feel like i have inherited this terrible problem from my mom and my dad. my brothers have anger problems as well except mine has to be worse. do i pride myself on it? no. i used to think it was ok. now i see the tole its taking on my life.

    looking back on previous relationships i suppose its safe to say that they fell apart due to my anger. a couple of them cheated on me or lied about something important and i found out and lost it so much to the point that tears erupt from both mine and the other party involved. i know a lot of people have anger issues and a lot of them are similar, but id have to say this is different.

    i have an overall adrenaline rush when i get mad. there are 6 holes in my walls in my room and one from kicking it. so 7 in total. proud of it? no. i am ashamed. i guess im not being specific enough but if anyone can empathize with any of this and would like to hear more detail i would love to explain because im hopelessly hopeless and im scared of whats going to happen, whether i do something stupid or someone does something to make me do something ill regret...and i mean more than just words here. im seriously losing it. :'(

  • Anonymous-18

    I don't think I have an anger problem, I know I do. For a couple years now I haven't been able to control any of my emotions. The slightest things from video games to dropping things that mean absolutely nothing. I go from being ok to a full 180 degree turn where I'm yelling and screaming at nobody. Before that even happens I find myself grabbing the first thing I see and throwing it across the room, pretty much intentionally trying to destroy something. I've broken a lot of stuff. I throw glasses against the wall, scissors, knives, video game controllers, tv remotes, beer bottles... etc. It doesn't stop there though, I've smashed 2 big screen tv's by throwing stuff at them, today I literally threw my tv across the room along with my computer monitor, a tool box and a chair. Why? I would really like to know.

    I need to get this under control before something bad happens. I have a dog and I feel terrible for what he goes through. I don't deserve him. I can't make a sudden noise without him dropping his head down in fear.

    I'm pretty sure my anger comes from many years of stress and being taken advantage of but it's no reason to be flying off the handle and destroying things, and most of all hurting my dog emotionally. There is an up side, I have 2 daughters, 1 that I see every weekend. When she's here my anger isn't as serious. I still partially lose it and I have thrown things but I think a little before I act. Still not good but it's an improvement I think.

    I think my main issue is my resentment toward my ex fiance who took off with my little girl and refused to let me see her anymore because she "didn't want me to disappoint her anymore". My bad for going back to school to make something of myself so I couldn't stick with our original agreement for visitations. So what do you know I never finished school because of it and haven't seen her since (over 3 years now).

    Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is that I know I need help but I'm too chicken $#!) to ask for help in fear that someone will take away the only 2 beings I have left. (My little girl and my dog). I'm looking for advice at the same time as I really needed to get a little of this off my chest. Nobody but me really knows how bad it is. I can't sleep at night, it takes me literally hours to fall asleep and I don't want to get out of bed when I wake up. I just want to go back to dream land where life isn't chaotic.

    There are other factors to this but I'm not going into it, this isn't a therapy session. So ya, any thoughts on my ridiculous rage and destruction of myself and my material possessions?

  • Richard

    I am an 18 year old engaged male.

    I tend to get angry for stupid reasons. Once upon a time I would just go and exert all the tension, energy, and anger in a physical activity like running, biking, or jumping on the trampoline doing flips (yes I know the last one is childish but hey, it hurt) Then I met my fiancee, she is the greatest girl in the world and I love her immensely. Our relationship has never stayed on the same page for long, I helped her through some tough times during which she made mistakes that cut me deeply, some of which I am still dealing with, but I have loved her more and more. We then have started a long chain of changing, through which my methods turned to hitting walls and such but i knew that was wrong, then one day I slapped her... I know that is not as bad as some people on this site do but it was a big step for me as I have never struck a girl and I am always a calming influence. Lately it seems like we get mad at each other a lot and I snap about stupid things. We used to talk and understand each other and now so often I find myself pushing at her because I feel like she is attacking me even when I know she is not. We talked a little about a counselor but I think the first place to start is helping myself so I can help her... I just thought maybe someone would read this and leave me a suggestion or they could relate and see I'm still trying and they can to. I would like some help.

  • Anonymous-19

    I get angry at my 8 year old for pulling all her clothes out of her dresser, putting her dirty clothes back into her dresser when I ask her to clean her room, and her disregard for cleanlyness. She doesn't wans to listen to be because she doesn't want to be clean/take shower/brush teeth/put her dirty clothes in the hamper. I spank her and she still doesn't do it. I got angry because a teenager rolled her eyes and asked me very rudely why did I do something and I was like oh my, let her be my child, we don't roll our eyes and ask me anything rudely, speacially if Im paying for everything. I try to keep my cool, but I can't. I blottle it up inside and it comes out in an awful mood towards my family. I fight with my husband over little things, because I am the princess in the pea! I hate being mad about everything, all the time. My mother-in-law brakes plans with me all the time and I let her have it. I know I shouldn't make plans with someone who really doesn't care about me, or our time together, but I still don't walk away. I say what is on the tip of my tougne and then I dwell on it, like for months. I need help letting things go and learning from my mistakes. I tend to forget when things are going good, but then it happens all over again.

  • Anonymous-20

    I am 23 year old female, who once use to think she "had it all". Now I feel all i have to show for anything is "ANGER"!!! Why?? Why when i had a perfect childhood, anything i could ever want? Great family, parents still married, and myself with such a popular life?? Maybe u can help....Once upon a time, I was apart of a Catholic High School I was so very popular. Cheerleader, tons of friends, many boy friends and always grew up in a wonderful home. Ive always had to set "high standards" to show my parents I could do it, or to make those good grades just so they'd never be on my case. On the flip side, starting with the age 15, i smoked cigarettes, used marajuana, drank occasionally, went to/and or hosted many many parties, had many boyfriends on and off, and started having sex. Pretty young for those who are parents reading this. I was a "good, responsible, kid", but still had the wild party side, i still can't seem to knock. I had a baby 5 months ago, and he has been a tremendous joy! I have a LOT of anger towards his father, for "mentally abusing" me, always making everything "my fault" (when i did nothing wrong) and basically for not being around to help!! Also the idea of wanting that "perfect family", we"ve never had a chance to do so. A lot of my anger and depression also comes from me losing my fiance back in Aug 09. It still effects me everyday, whether I think it doesn't, or say "im over it" i dont think I will ever be.

    Anger= I take all my anger out on my 13 yr old sibling! I curse, i threaten, I throw things, physical abuse towards him etc. Why him? no clue, just because he is "smaller" than me i assume. I yell at my parents, i try to avoid them, and the saddest thing is my ONLY escape from all this anger is " GOING OUT" when I am around friends, alcohol, marajuana, Its like all my problems go away! I want to live life for more than just being a "party girl" and thinking i have to be with friends and partying to be happy!! i need help!

  • Anger started when I was betrayed

    I was once so patient. I have a happy childhood, when I got in high school I was a bit shy because of some physical imperfections and nobody was there to encourage me in any way to bring out the best in me not until I got to college. When I met this guy Jun, he was able to show me how valuable I am, he appreciates every angle of me except that I lack self confidence. He eventually fall for me badly and that thing really scares me then I left him with no reservations. Another man came. He was my everything and I thought he feels the same. Now I am starting to discover some information about his real identity and it was all lies. I caught him with all his alibis but then he never even at once admit any of what I hear, saw and witnessened. It took me over a period of 3 years before I finally decided to get a life back to me. Then another man came, then another, and another, did the same to me. I always give way of giving second chance but with all the chances I gave to each of them I always end up having the wrong choice with the wrong person when I can feel in my heart It's no wrong. Thats when I begin to hate my self. For always wrongly choosing the wrong decision. Now this hate applies to every activity Im having. Now I am 30, single, and I have a boyfriend whos only 25 but I am not sure of how I really feel for him. That every time he calls me, I always get mad. And when he wont call me, I also get mad. Everything he does to understand me but I am still feeling this anger and I think I am really in trouble because I just cant stop hating myself for everything I have done in my life, I wanted to blame anyone, someone but the only person I see is myself.Even in my work. When my boss will just suddenly pass on any kind of pressure to me, i tend to fight back in a subtle way but still you can feel the tension and the worst thing I do is placing a resignation letter and land for another job but same situation I am encountering. Maybe because the problem is me. To everyone reading this message, I know the answer with my problem of getting angry everytime is to forgive myself so I can forgive others who comitted mistake on me, But its just hard to do. Even until now while writing this, I hate myself so much.

  • jessica

    When my brother dosent get his way or someone tells him something he doesnt like, he gets out of control! he screams and throws things and sometimes tries to hurt the person that had made him angry. i get scared when i accidentally make him angry and he threatens to hurt me. How can i talk to him and make him be better at anger? please email me an answer if u read this. Thank you.

  • Anonymous-21

    I grew up in a mixed home, my dad was always at work and my mom was a struggling alcoholic. There was alot of violence in my home but I grew up mostly unscathed. Once my dad retired and I graduated college I thought life was great. Then I got laid off and my mother got cancer and died unexspectidly from surgury a few months ago. I now work at a low wage job that im verbally abused at every single day and my father is distant and dosent seem to care about me anymore. Ive lost my mind, im angry all the time, Ive started overeating. I hate God and curse at him because in my mind he killed my mother and ruined/dystroyed my life and any chance at a decent future. Im buried in debt, and im angry all the time, things seem so unfair! I punch walls I kick things, I curse god. I have to hide the marks on my knuckles for fear of endangering my position at work. When customers insult me or abuse me verbally(daily) Im reminded how much my life is screwed up and how worthless I seem to others, I end up going out back and venting by punching walls, I know its not healthy, I know self injury is a serious problem. But It just comes out of me, the rage, the black anger that has no bottom. Im angry all the time. Im afraid my anger and rage is going to dystroy me.. Im 26 years old I should be more of an adult and not doing things like this. :(

  • Anonymous-22

    When I look at myself, I see that I'm very mellow, I can keep calm in situations, but there are times when certain things just drive me nuts. I grew up in a fine home except for my father. He has the most shortest temper you can find and he was abusive when he got mad. He's like a bomb with a lit fuse. Just that one tiny thing will make him explode and I guess a bit of seeing that growing up has resided in me. My anger is more against him than anyone else. He is that person where he must be correct and everyone else shall know he is correct and take his side no matter how wrong he can be. That way of thinking really angers me because when I want to disprove him, he gets angered at me for betraying my family. Sometimes I find it so stupid about a discussion so little that I have become a traitor to the family. He raises his voice a lot when arguing at me and I tend to do the same without noticing it and then he gets even more angry at me for doing so.

    For example my college classes. I live in California and it's not the easiest thing in the world to get classes here since they are limited. I try my best to get as many classes as I can, but when I fall short and can't get many, my parents begin nagging me to get more, get more. It just isn't that easy. I can't magically get a class during the middle of the semester and they don't understand that no matter how much I explain it to them. It angers me how much they nag and nag at me about it. I tend to get angry at myself a lot. Playing video games or practicing the guitar. If there is a mission I try over and over to pass, but can't, I get more and more angry that I punch my bed because I can't do it. Or playing a song, when I can't get the right sound or make the same mistake over and over, I'll grab something and just throw it against my bed. I really try to control my anger, I don't just randomly yell at people when I'm angry or hit people. I try bottling it up and it just makes me more angry at myself. I just don't know how to control my anger anymore. Even with my own dog, he is hyper and doesn't listen to what I say. It frustrates me, but I never take it out on him. He digs holes and rips the lawns and over and over for months i've told him no, but he just doesn't learn and just seeing a new hole angers me. I just can't figure a way to control my anger anymore.

  • Anonymous-23

    I sometimes well twice a month get very mad and have a tantrum on the floor and I don't know how to stop, does this mean I have anger managment or another disorder or should I get tested please help I want to be a good person but something's just I cam stand

  • Anonymous-24

    For years I had an anger problem. And I could back it up with my dukes. That is a rep I had. But as I got older and wiser I realized that it was no way to deal with problems. While I am still capable with my dukes, I now try to reason with my self and my problem and the others involved. It is working out much better

  • duderslady

    everything gets me mad and i flip out ...... i dont understand why i snap soooooo bad for everthing

  • Happy Massacre

    I am always so hurt and I feel so alone. "Look no scars but it's all lies, they only check wrists not thighs has been my life motto for the last 3 years.

  • Happy Massacre

    I used to be mellow, I used to be nice. I used to be agreeable, but I can't be that person again. My mom very harshly kicked me out of my whole hometown to live with my dad, and all for a stupid GUY!!!!!

  • Matthew udale

    my anger problem got worse when my nan passed away, i was 12 years old

    and i did alot of harmful things... it was my day back in school after a 2 week break cuz of my nans death i had a lot of people calling me names and insulting my nan.. i went very red my heart was beating fast then suddenly my mind snapped i lost control... fighting made it very hard for me to control my anger.. i cant control it now and im nearly reaching 18.. when i say i lose control what i mean is all i need was one person to do something stupid like trip me over or pinch me "bang" lost control i end up putting him in hospital.. i need help, if dont get help its gonna make things worse in the future ahead :(..

  • Anonymous-25

    my husband was left by his mother as a little boy and she dident even show up for the coustody hearing leaving him with a father who was andery at the world because of her and taking out that anger by ingoring his only son,and as a grown man the son is emotionaly abusive to his wife because that is the one place he feels safe doing so.he would never stand up to another man if so he would pull a gun,puts on an act around others they would never believe this man would say the horrifid things he doesto cut to the soul.the anger is passed on but twice as bad.the communication stops.

  • wayne howg

    I do not feel any other emotion than anger when I'm mad and angry and fighting people physically (I've never hit a women just so u know) I have no feelings of happy,sad,glad,love,regret,.I have two children and two step kids I've never hurt them ever but my anger I think has started to change them I have been diagnosed with emotional and social disorders I'm basically a border line sociopath I just don't feel anything at all and when I'm not taking my meds all I feel is pain and anger the doctors say I have a laceration on my brain all the way across the back of my brain it has caused all sorts of problems it's now to the point we're even on my meds I'm feeling only anger for a while I thought that I was feeling other things nut it only lasted for a short time when I'm being good and on my meds I feel like a part of me is gone. I feel so alone all the time I feel so alone all the time and uts effecting my family can anyone please help a crazy person off the ledge if anger

  • Anger is All I Feel

    I always get angry at people. I get angry too much. People know I have anger issues and try to get me angry for their amusement. It cost me my boyfriend, attendance record, I have been put in isolation at school over 30 times and I have no respect from others or myself.