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Alcohol, No Sex, No Intimacy...Why Am I Here?

Question:

Five years ago I met a man who I believed was the man of my dreams. Sex was never as often as I would have liked. It was not as exotic as I enjoy, and it was basic. However, the rest of our life seemed perfect.

The first 2 years sex became from once every month to six weeks. Now we have not had sex for 3 years, nothing, not a good kiss, no heavy petting, nothing. He claims that due to a varicose vein in his testicle it hurts to have sex.

It has made me feel like less than the beautiful sexy woman I know I am. In addition, when he retired from the military two years ago, he became a heavy drinker, 12-24 beers per day everyday. Emotionally, he has not been there for me when I needed him.

My son, who I am very close to, recently joined the military and left home one week after he graduated. As a single parent most of my life, this was hard for me.

The night my son left, he(this man) blacked out from drinking and was very mean to me.I have not gotten over that and it was almost a year ago. He makes more money than me and even though I contribute to the bills he often reminds me by sarcastic remarks that he is in charge of the money. I have a career and am a semester away from completing my Masters which will give me a promotion so I will be self sufficient.

I love this man, although I am not sure why. I remember how he was when I met him and I am not sure where that person is. We went to therapy and he stopped and refused to go back until I said I was leaving. He also refused to cut back or stop drinking until I said I wanted to leave. now he says he will cut back.

I have a daughter who is still at home and I think she and I need a different environment. We need an environment of peace and stability.

What do you think?

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Answer:

Your question, “Why am I here,” is a good one, given the record this man has accumulated with you over the past five years. Perhaps part of the answer lies in the concept of “co-dependence.” In other words, you may be one of those people who gives to others without taking care of themselves. From your description, it certainly appears to be that way, at least in relation to this particular man.

From the start, he did rarely had sex with you during the first two years of your relationship. For the last three years, there has been no sex at all. He gives, as his excuse, his varicose vein makes relations very painful. Perhaps this is true but, without being an MD, I have my doubts. I will tell you why.

First, unless I am mistaken, and that is possible, a varicose vein can be surgically repaired. A good question to ask is why he has not seen to this problem, medically. Second, it’s important for you to understand that, even without the varicose vein, he could not have sex because of the amount of alcohol he drinks every day. Twelve beer is too much and twenty four beers on a daily basis translates into his having a very serious alcohol problem. Third, you state that he is never there for you. How could he be? In effect, he’s always drunk.

Despite all of this you stay with him and care for his needs. That is what is defined as “co-dependent.”

Don’t you think it’s time to take care of your needs?

Sometimes, people will stay in an unhappy relationship because they fear there will be no one else out there for them. I always ask this question, “Is an abusive relationship better than no relationship.” I believe the answer is no. Besides, there are other people out there with whom relationships can be developed.

There is an old proverb that goes something like this: “If I do not take care of myself, who will? If not now, when?” You deserve to have your needs, wants and dreams to be fulfilled.

I don’t know why you are there but, perhaps it is time not to be. That is your decision according to your needs.

Best of Luck

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