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HELP, With My Sexuality?

Question:

OK,

So, I am an almost 18 year old male. I have been curious, for a long time, about gay sex. Well not curious, but aroused by it.

I do not like the kissing and the love of homosexuality. I find it disgusting. I know this is weird and some people say its a phase I’m going through because I do find it disgusting. But its been a 5 to 6 year phase.

I am a very conservative and traditional person. Its not because it was how I was raised but just the way I am.

I do remember a time in my early adolescence when I was completely straight. With time I have moved towards bisexuality. What I mean is that a few years ago Lesbian Porn turned me on just as much as Gay Porn. Now, I don’t know.

I am still physically attracted to women although sometimes not as much as to men. There is this girl I really like and I stare at her and take in her beauty and I feel all nice when she hugs me. Once, we slept together and we cuddled but no sex, just sleeping and I was so ecstatic, I was in heaven.

My fear is will my sexuality continue changing until I am completely gay? You see I don’t want to be bisexual let alone be gay. This not because I would not be accepted by other people, but because I’ve always wanted a wife and kids and this nice life. I want to get married, won’t cheat on my wife, and will tell her about my bisexuality. Love conquers all and why should my plans, dreams and aspirations change because God or life handed me something I didn’t ask for.

My parents accept me when they discovered I was watching gay porn when I was 13 or 14. Immediately they took me to a therapist to help me understand my curiosity. I think they would ultimately accept me and love me, and, in fact, I know they do. But why should they accept me for something I don’t want to be.

A possible reason for my bisexuality is that I was touched in my privates various times by an older cousin when I was young. Also, the fact is that my father was not around much during my early childhood.

I have never had intercourse with either men or women. I have made out with some girls and enjoyed some touching. I have touched and rubbed with two men but that was recent and I actually did not enjoy it. I mean apart from all the negative feelings that come after its done I did not find it exhilarating.

So, I decided that I would stop looking at gay porn and that I would only accept the heterosexual side of my orientation. The problem is that one of those guys told me that everyone goes through what I am going through and he was sort of leading me to believe that I would end up like him one day. That really scares me. Until then I only thought about my sexual confusion 2 or 3 times a day at most. Now it is every hour or more and its been going on for 3 days only.

Should I give it some time? I have read about conversion therapies and that my sexual orientation can be changed. That would be the greatest gift I could get. I know conversion therapies are frowned upon and don’t work for everybody but for me, they might work, because I really want to change. Also,I think some people would sort of be surprised and disappointed if I am gay or bisexual. I just don’t want to be gay.

You see, that’s another thing. I know I am still attracted to women but instead of saying I’m bisexual I say I’m gay. Horrible thoughts about my confusion pop into my head every damn 20 minutes or 40 minutes. I usually think I’m gay and that worries me.

I am a very paranoid and stressed person as you can tell from my E.Mail. I just want your feedback about what you think, and what you think I should do to stop these dumb thoughts from coming into my head every 20 40 minutes? To

Please keep in mind that I am still in High School and, so, any solution that involves money is improbable at this time. If you feel you do not have the right tools to help me please tell me instead of confusing me any more. And please don’t tell me to accept myself because your professional opinion is that homosexuality is not a sickness. It might not be but I am unhappy about it. Show me some real proof that those conversions can work for anyone. If conversion does not work and I am confident that it will well then I will try to learn to accept myself but I would only tell my parents and future wife

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Answer:

First, I want to thank you for providing lots of information about your problem and question. It makes it easier to provide some information and opinions about your anxiety about sexual identity issues.

Indeed, you are very confused about your sexual identity. Internet pornography only adds to your confusion and anxiety. However, pornography gives a very distorted picture about sex and how real people in the outside world live with regard to their sexual and interpersonal relations. I agree with your decision to stop watching pornography and I would include heterosexual along with gay porn.

It is very common for teenage males and females to explore all aspects of sex. The nature of the exploration often includes some experimenting with both homosexual and heterosexual sex. These experiments do not define them one way or the other. In other words, the fact that you find men appealing and had some mild touching with a man does not make you either homosexual or bisexual. After all, you are attracted to girls, as well, and enjoyed kissing and touching the girl you were with. You are in a panic and its important that you try to calm yourself.

Simply stated, you do not know if you are gay or straight. My guess, and its only a guess because I don’t know you, is that you are heterosexual. Why do I make this guess? Let me explain the reasons:

1. While you find Internet gay pornography exciting, your mild experience with gay touching and hugging, is disgusting to you after you finish.

2. You admit to feeling attracted to girls and enjoyed the one mild experience you had with a girl you know.

3. The Internet pornographers attempt to portray all kinds of sex as attractive to everyone. The gay sex they broadcast is directed at heterosexuals as well as gay people. My guess is that it is directed at the heterosexual audience most of all.

4. There are lots of things that people can fantasize about, including all types of sex. However, reality is a different experience. Consequently you did not have a good reaction to your first mild gay experiences. The nature of fantasy is that it is always better than reality.

Also, its important to know that, during childhood, many people were inappropriately touched in their private parts and they did not become gay, even if the person who did the touching was the same sex. In addition, many people had fathers or mothers who were away a lot and that had nothing to do with sexual orientation.

You are putting the proverbial cart before the horse in thinking about conversion therapy. How can you think about that when you do  not know if you are homo or heterosexual?

It seems to me that, given your tender age, you will have many more experience with females, including sexual intercourse, before you can know, without doubt, what you like best. Again, I could be wrong, but I am guessing that you become fully heterosexual.

If there is any chance at all I hope your parents would be wiling to pay for psychotherapy to help you learn more about yourself, relieve your anxiety and stop the endless obsessional thinking about all of this.

Dear young man, I want to wish you great good luck in your life and in your future pursuits and aspirations.

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Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    "A possible reason for my bisexuality is that I was touched in my privates various times by an older cousin when I was young. Also, the fact is that my father was not around much during my early childhood."

    This has nothing to do with it. Sexuality is fluid and there is a lot of "plasticity" when it comes to attraction. You are young and learning about life and your sexuality you will go through longer and shorter phases, develop different interests and abandon others. Do what is right for your life, respect yourself and others, but don't feel so guilty or like you need to justify why you are attracted to one sex or the other. Biological sex occurs on a spectrum and attraction does too. You are human and you have broad interests - that's not a bad thing, we're just a more complex species!

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